Wednesday, November 11, 2020

Healing After Birth

What was I so upset at yesterday? 

Why am I sad today?

What's resting inside of me?

My mind more than anything wants a vacation

A place to getaway

I was sleeping for the last nine months

why has there been an uncomfortable feeling lurking in the core of my body?


For three days we have tried to figure out what we were doing. I am neither excited nor disappointed with the outcome. It simply is what it is. I'll soon be alone with my baby once again while He goes on what I am considering a mini vacation.

There's a desire to heal in privacy. Birth itself was a shared journey. Not once did I feel alone or in private during it- I am thankful for that. Healing has been another shared journey. It is shared because there are others who are witnessing and watching every step of my healing process.


I’d like to have a fragment of time where I am unnoticed and in private- to heal. I want to heal in the darkness of solitude and come out healed when it's light outside. I want others to wonder. I want them to believe in magic being that they didn't see the process but have heard of it.


Alone and healing.


To heal one must find peace within themself.


I need to search a little deeper within myself. I need to heal by being. I need myself and the magic there is within me that comes out in times of need. I know what I need when I let myself be still.


Thought: So maybe I convinced myself Texas didn't sound like an awful idea because I shifted my perspective to see it as what I needed. A place to be alone and heal. I also feel like I have been finding every possible place to hide and moments to escape. 


One's self is muted when around so many others. How others think I need to heal can distract me from my own coping methods. I need myself right now. I know what I need in order to heal but I can't hear myself when it's loud.


I just need a quiet place where I can listen. 

Sunday, October 25, 2020

dream journal:














{ eyes: magnetic to mine

hand: reaching towards mine

lilac-colored silk sheets }

Wednesday, September 9, 2020

growth in my life

It's late enough I've considered giving myself bangs. The bangs I had in December have taken their time growing out. They just barely can be tucked behind my ear now. 

Growing takes time. I wear a blue single strand of thread on my left wrist. I tied it to myself while I was thinking about growth. Sometimes when I am making a hard decision or I fail to understand why I am going through something I find myself staring at the bracelet. 

So often, I am caught up in the process that I forget that the silver lining will show itself. Yesterday, for example, I had the kind of day that moves slowly, feels heavy and is repetitive in thought. I was consumed by every negative feeling I had and couldn't break the pattern. I thought it wasn't going to get better and that the next day I'd continue to cry but the next day came and I felt so much lighter. I made progress by going through the pain. 

The joys in life have helped me grow too. They teach me things through smiles. Every time I open my mind to listening to what the joys of this world have for me I become insightful and thankful.

It's always been easier for me to point out how I have grown through hardships but I also know that times where I have felt lighter have shaped me too. In the last few weeks, it's been going to the river to swim that's helped me grow. The water, being around nature, people who care, and the feeling of cool water on my skin has made me feel whole. While I swim in rivers I become aware of the fact that being excited about life can come from the simplest of things. That's something I've always known but to be reminded of the joys in life and know that what makes me smile and laugh has helped me flourish as a person makes me thankful.

As I await the arrival of the little one growing inside of me I am reminded that the process is part of my journey towards growth as an individual. The people who have supported me throughout the highs and lows will always have a place in my heart. Each one of them has grown with me as they've shown me kindness and strength in their own ways.

This new chapter of my life will be a lot but it's one that I do believe will inspire me to become a version of myself that I do admire.

Grown out bangs and all. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

little things 68 -82

68. authenticity > happiness
69. dreams
70. baby kicks
71. knitting & podcasts
72. talking about everything with Lauren
73. coffee in a teapot
74. random phone calls from Keegan
75. feelings of optimism
76. wedding photos
78. oatmeal pancakes
79. cumbias y merengues 
80. reuniting a lost dog with his family
81. the sound of a fan
82. baking successes

Monday, August 3, 2020

life updates with v

Ever since I was a teen with a blog I dreamed of being an old lady with a blog. There are many posts I wrote when I was a teen that mentioned how much I hoped to still be blogging as an adult. So, here I am renewing my blog URL in hopes of fulfilling my younger self's dreams.

Though it has been hard to sit down and write a post, know I think about my blog all the time. I'm still mentally not ready to let go of this little space I once had so much hope for.

It's kind of a bizarre thing to have a space on the internet that has no financial gain to it as I grow older since it seems like everyone is making a profit online but it doesn't feel right to attach money to what's been done out of love through the years.

Blogging makes me happy. It started off that way and it should end that way too.

I need a gentle reminder that this is my space and that it always will be. Because I've created it, I've grown with it. Though, the embarrassing posts of 2013 are long gone and saved in a binder the girl who started this journey is still with me. I have her to thank for persuading me once again to hang onto this space.

"What motivated me the most to write is the fact that I want to be able to look back on what I have done and experienced in my teenage life." -Vanessa, 2015

Keegan and I got married!

I barely can believe that I said I do two weeks ago. We got married on July 19, 2020. It was such a heartwarming and wholesome day. The wedding was planned in a few days and it couldn't have turned out any better. Other than the heat, there isn't anything I'd change about that day. It was simple and spoke to the whole concept of not needing a lot but the people who share a love for one another. My anxieties were minimal that day too. I felt welcomed, at home, and myself that day.

I'm married to someone who I know will be there for me just like I will be for him. When I first met him, I knew he was someone I wanted in my life for a while. There wasn't any doubt in my mind that he was the one I wanted to marry when the conversation started coming up. I love him a lot!

There's a baby on the way! Keegan and I are going to be parents come November. The transition hasn't been easy but I've been met with love and acceptance that is once I gathered the courage to tell others. I didn't think I'd be having a child this soon but I am looking forward to all the growth that is about to take place in Keegan and I's life. He said that a baby will only bring more love into our lives and although the baby isn't here yet it has been doing exactly that.

Teenage me definitely didn't imagine this because none of my older posts mention anything about a baby but she'd probably think this is worth celebrating as it's a step towards real adulthood and independence.

A lot of things are changing in my life which means, for people like me, emotions are heavy. There are ones that make me want to hold onto the day for as long as I can and there are ones that make me want to hit skip. Because of all the pregnancy hormones, I am sensitive and fragile to everything. It hasn't been easy being okay one minute and in full on tears the next. Adjusting to new levels of emotions seems impossible so I've been working on accepting whatever state I find myself in. I am endlessly thankful for the support system I have. The people around me have made this a more comfortable process.

I think I can speak for most of us when I say that I am tired of being quarantined. In April I wrote a post about how it felt like quarantine was coming to an end and we'd all go back to living like we did before but it turns out we're kind of still in the same place as we started. Though people are getting out of their houses now, businesses are open, and masks are always advised it still feels like there is a long way to go before we can hug someone out in public or go to concerts. I'm hoping for the best.
© Simply Me
Maira Gall