Saturday, June 6, 2020

words i haven't posted

ALIENS

inside my head, I feel it spinning. restless, unsteady, unmoving.

the therapist will think my mind fucked up. it's all a mess but it's alright. Damn.

aliens- let's go to the stars and find one
maybe I can go and be one

to the moon and back

aliens and back
February 5, 2019


GRADES

There is a haunting quiet moving in my soul. It's unsettling but comforting too. I need to remember that in these times where I think I could go back into a state of depression that there isn't a need to worry. What happens will happen.

I want to be a lot of things. Someone who doesn't worry for herself but for others. However, how can you take care of others when you aren't taken care of. There is only so much to give before you are broken inside and have little to offer since there would be no hope.

I care for others a great deal and I hope to the universe that I always will. Others are my calling I am a caretaker.
February 12, 2019


10:11

10:17
My brows are scrunched together like a piece of tape rolled into a ball
I wonder about us
February 17, 2019



(UNTITLED POST)

particles in the air get caught on your skin.
my emotions will never stick to you,
instead, they will gravitate towards me.
April 2, 2019


HE

i held your dog's ashes in my hand as we laid in your bed
the comforter tangled around us as we laid in mumbles
light seeped through the sheets hung as curtains
cold fragile glass touched my fingers and
the metal military chain it was attached to laid tangled
"hey bob, i think i understand why he needed you."

//

the wood door was being separated from it's resting spot
as he opened it i heard the music and smelled the smog
lingering pockets of intoxication were floating in the air
earlier that day i said something like, "it must really be hard emotionally 
to have to deal with your mother always being intoxicated
and having to talk care of her instead of getting support from her."
his mom looked at me. through shot eyes. she looked through me.
Vanessa was what I said after she asked my name
my name was
Vanessa.
Earlier he told me about his mother and
I knew it hurt because he told me about her with so much humor masked on top of it.
Humor can be a sad thing.
He was in shock that I picked up what he hid emotionally and told me that it was
almost comforting someone noticed that there was emotion behind his story.
that hurt to hear. that he like others were misunderstood. 
April 11, 2019


SUMMERTIME SADNESS

summertime sadness.
May 26, 2019


I THINK OF HIM OFTEN

I can relate to this boy and how he struggles with his family life. I can also see that there is so much more out there for him. I hope him well. His blonde curls and goofy face.

He carried some depth to him though. Like, no one had taken the time to just listen to him. And I wish we both were not at the place I worked but instead just somewhere quiet where I could hear all of it.
June 20, 2019


(UNTITLED)

It isn't about what you've gone through but how you talk about what you have experienced.

You might have thought you were telling me another life story but in reality, you were showing me what it was like to live like you.
July 17, 2019


FEELINGS

Your feelings are real but they are not reality.

Feelings are not facts.
July 22, 2019


(UNTILTED)

a dear conner kind of deal about my life. 
December 6, 2019


CATCHING UP WITH V
S t r u g g l e s (I write this under the spell of a coffee high)

I was very emotional last night. I had talked to a few people who had seemed to be going through a difficult time in their lives. It dawned on me that there are so many humans who are struggling to see light and are going through hell so that they can make it out of the dark. The words I shared with those struggling were the words I needed to listen to myself.

"We make mistakes as humans. The feeling of dread and self-disappointment gets us all down. Moving on is hard but it's always a possibility. The journey is hard but remember to be gentle and kind to yourself."
January 28, 2020


WORDS THAT I HAVE HEARD:

"I love your soul. I hope you're happy."

It's not often I hear these two sentences but when I do, I keep them close to my heart. Those words make me feel comfortable being myself and tell me that someone cares enough about me to hope for the best. I hope you're happy too. Thank you for caring.
April 18, 2020


(UNTITLED)

The last three days I've felt my heart in my chest.
I spend time wondering where this feeling came from.
Moments, where I am distracted from this feeling, make me feel like I am flying.

I'd be a sad dancer if I danced right now. I feel like I am being watched all the time and the only times I feel like sharing my feelings are when the lights are out and you can't see my face.
April 30, 2020


(UNTITLED)

 I spend days sleeping and looking out into space even when it's not dark enough to see the stars

As long as the eyes have a story I am attached to- they are beautiful
May 12, 2020


YOU

you
have a special power
anyone who's talked to you
wants to be in your space

you've got charm
they are curious about you

still to this day
i am wondering
what else you
are made of
June 1, 2020

Monday, June 1, 2020

six months since

I lost a friend to suicide six months ago from today.

I thought that a month from when he passed away I would feel better. That the confusion of his sudden death would resolve and I would be in less pain than I was then but I was wrong. Six months from the day be passed away I still feel a tug at my heart when I think of him and I am still sensitive towards topics of loss and grieving.

I know that a year from when my friend passed that the wound will still feel fresh and it'll feel like not so long ago that he was talking to me on the bus about his dad. Time will add distance to my loss but I will always remember the way I felt when I first found out he took his life.

When I found out I kept thinking no. I texted him. I asked friends of his if what I thought had happened was true. I found out it was and I cried on and off that night. I kept wondering why and what happened. He seemed to be doing okay. Maybe he just had one bad moment? Could I have done more? I barely got any sleep that night. I felt like I was sinking in confusion.

Months went by and I still wondered but I have come to terms with a few things. I think that his life was, for the most part, okay. I think that my friend had one powerful moment in which he felt so down he took his life. His life wasn't bad- it was just a bad moment.

Talking to others who have gone through a similar thing has helped me too. Through talking with friends I found out that what I had been feeling was valid. I found others that felt the same way and it was okay to feel how I felt.

Grief isn't linear. Life isn't either. There are times when I felt okay and times when I was reminded of my losses and hardships. For the most part, the days seem to get lighter as time passes but some days I've felt so much weight on my shoulders that I stare into space just dreaming in the daylight. And that's okay. That's coping.

Checking out his light a candle page is healing. Writing letters to him in my journal is coping. Talking to friends about him, writing posts about my feelings, going on walks in his remembrance, lighting candles, and imagining what he might say to me is how I've grieved.

I've learned that loss is whatever feels right in the moment no matter how much or how little time has passed. Loss is trauma. Wondering if you'll see someone again after they've said goodbye to you is a side effect of it. Suicide leaves questions. Losing someone makes you feel things. Time won't make it better but doing what feels right to you can be soothing. That's the reality of a loss so great. That I have come to terms with.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

the littlest joys

I'm not sure who taught me to find joy in the littlest of things but if I had to guess who I'd guess my mother, who always taught me to be thankful for what I have, and the blogging community, who wrote about the simplest of things with so much enthusiasm it made me want to do the same. I am grateful that even when my heart hurts I can find at least one thing that gives me a feeling of happiness.

I try to remember moments that make me feel a certain way. This feeling is hard to describe for it isn't happiness alone- it's a mix of emotions that lights a passion fire in me and makes me forget all the things I might be worried about.

Doing normal things has been hard. They take more time to do when I can manage to find the littlest ounce of motivation to something in the first place. However, when I do manage to do something I find that I am lighter because I tried or the outcome was great.

For example, I had wanted to cook something but nothing on Pinterest, yes I use this for half of my recipes, stood out. So I ended up making a chai tea with whatever spices I had and testing different kinds of milk. My hopes for this tea weren't high but when I tried the tea with milk that made the flavor of the chai stand out I internally danced with joy. The tea made me feel warm without being pushy. It wasn't' too sweet but just enough so that I was sent on an imagery journey to find the rest of the sugar in my soul.

I found something that inspired me and guided me to write a post that was never going to be written if it weren't for that feeling that the Chai tea gave me. 

written at 2am

Sunday, May 10, 2020

When the beach is "Closed"

What to take to the beach when the beach is closed:

just myself.

and maybe chapstick, a book, bobby pins, hair ties, and some snacks.

but mostly myself.

written at 12:50pm while waiting to get into the car
because we all know once your in the car you can sit down and enjoy the journey

Peppermint oil, and sweaters too! This is the Oregon coast we're talking about.


Turns out all I needed was:

water, a hair tie, a sweater, and some snacks.

but mostly myself.

Yesterday, was the kind of day I would journal about. Keegan's family and I drove in two cars to a closed beach on the Oregon coast. This Oregon girl sat distressed the first part of the car ride- it was too hot. 84 degrees. But I knew that once arriving at the coast it would feel like winter had come back to greet me. 

When we got there all the signs read closed and there was a small spark that was lit within me. To go somewhere you aren't supposed to is one of the most exciting feelings. I put my sweater back on as I got out of the car. Together, 11 people, walked past the do not enter signs and hiked down the trail to the beach. 

The beach was lonesome until we came to admire it's waters and run barefoot in the sand. We made two fires. One for food and the other for warmth. 65 degrees and wind makes for hands that numb quickly. Kids ran on the beach and 

I sat rather quiet that whole time. Thinking about how I felt connected to the earth at that moment but so separated from people at times. Sometimes I feel oceans away from who I am at the core but that's okay because there moments in which, for a small amount of time, I feel like myself. 

Sneaking to the beach is one of those, now more rare moments, that I feel like myself.

written the next day


Wednesday, May 6, 2020

peaceful solitude



My mind keeps wandering to this beach. I am not in love with beaches like I am mountains and forests but this beach gave light to my soul.

I remember one night I didn't want to sleep so I watched the stars and in the earlier hours I watched the sun bring the morning with it. I don't remember thinking about anything outside of what was happening. When I think about what I felt that night, I remember a feeling of peaceful solitude. That night it was the stars, moon, sun, and I keeping each other company from a distance.

Two nights ago, I sat still in the cold that night brought. My blanket and my music wrapped around me. When Fidelity by Jasmine Thompson played I pictured myself getting off the deck, walking to the middle of the parking lot, and dancing barefoot on the cement with my blanket to this song. I sat there imagining that for so long that eventually I replayed the song, walked to the middle of the moonlit parking lot, and started to dance.

A cold so great numbed my feet so much so that I couldn't feel how rough the cement was. Even if I could feel the cement I know I would have been so distracted by my shadow on the ground and the feeling of no one watching that I wouldn't have stopped dancing. At that moment I knew I was unique because I don't think it's just anyone that would get up to dance by themselves barefoot only to try to cheer themselves up.

I find comfort in those stars, the darkness of night, and doing things by my lonesome. I think about all the time I've done something on my own in the middle of the night. It's a lot. In fact, this is another of those times. I am sitting in the quiet of the night with my laptop. Simple as that.

I write this in hopes of opening up more possibilities for myself during the dark of night.
© Simply Me
Maira Gall