Monday, June 1, 2020

six months since

I lost a friend to suicide six months ago from today.

I thought that a month from when he passed away I would feel better. That the confusion of his sudden death would resolve and I would be in less pain than I was then but I was wrong. Six months from the day be passed away I still feel a tug at my heart when I think of him and I am still sensitive towards topics of loss and grieving.

I know that a year from when my friend passed that the wound will still feel fresh and it'll feel like not so long ago that he was talking to me on the bus about his dad. Time will add distance to my loss but I will always remember the way I felt when I first found out he took his life.

When I found out I kept thinking no. I texted him. I asked friends of his if what I thought had happened was true. I found out it was and I cried on and off that night. I kept wondering why and what happened. He seemed to be doing okay. Maybe he just had one bad moment? Could I have done more? I barely got any sleep that night. I felt like I was sinking in confusion.

Months went by and I still wondered but I have come to terms with a few things. I think that his life was, for the most part, okay. I think that my friend had one powerful moment in which he felt so down he took his life. His life wasn't bad- it was just a bad moment.

Talking to others who have gone through a similar thing has helped me too. Through talking with friends I found out that what I had been feeling was valid. I found others that felt the same way and it was okay to feel how I felt.

Grief isn't linear. Life isn't either. There are times when I felt okay and times when I was reminded of my losses and hardships. For the most part, the days seem to get lighter as time passes but some days I've felt so much weight on my shoulders that I stare into space just dreaming in the daylight. And that's okay. That's coping.

Checking out his light a candle page is healing. Writing letters to him in my journal is coping. Talking to friends about him, writing posts about my feelings, going on walks in his remembrance, lighting candles, and imagining what he might say to me is how I've grieved.

I've learned that loss is whatever feels right in the moment no matter how much or how little time has passed. Loss is trauma. Wondering if you'll see someone again after they've said goodbye to you is a side effect of it. Suicide leaves questions. Losing someone makes you feel things. Time won't make it better but doing what feels right to you can be soothing. That's the reality of a loss so great. That I have come to terms with.

8 comments

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain. I, myself, am very passionate about suicide prevention since I've been through depression and anxiety and even deep dark thoughts. I am here for you. <3 <3 I pray you find peace, though I know it will be hard.

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  2. I love how you say grief is linear. It's so true. I pray your good moments will continue to multiply and outshine the hard times, even as you always remember your friend.

    MB: keturahskorner.blogspot.com
    PB: thegirlwhodoesntexist.com

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  3. I can't even imagine what losing someone like that must feel like.
    This was super inspiring to read, I'm glad you're healing.
    <3

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    1. Inspiring is what I strive to do. Thank you!

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  4. i honestly can't even imagine what its like to lose someone like that. I'm very glad you are healing <3

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Every one of your comments makes me smile. Thank you for your support and love! It's truly appreciated, my friend!

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Maira Gall