Saturday, June 6, 2020

words i haven't posted


ALIENS

inside my head, I feel it spinning. restless, unsteady, unmoving.

the therapist will think my mind fucked up. it's all a mess but it's alright. Damn.

aliens- let's go to the stars and find one
maybe I can go and be one

to the moon and back

aliens and back
February 5, 2019


GRADES

There is a haunting quiet moving in my soul. It's unsettling but comforting too. I need to remember that in these times where I think I could go back into a state of depression that there isn't a need to worry. What happens will happen.

I want to be a lot of things. Someone who doesn't worry for herself but for others. However, how can you take care of others when you aren't taken care of. There is only so much to give before you are broken inside and have little to offer since there would be no hope.

I care for others a great deal and I hope to the universe that I always will. Others are my calling I am a caretaker.
February 12, 2019


10:11

10:17
My brows are scrunched together like a piece of tape rolled into a ball
I wonder about us
February 17, 2019



(UNTITLED POST)

particles in the air get caught on your skin.
my emotions will never stick to you,
instead, they will gravitate towards me.
April 2, 2019


HE

i held your dog's ashes in my hand as we laid in your bed
the comforter tangled around us as we laid in mumbles
light seeped through the sheets hung as curtains
cold fragile glass touched my fingers and
the metal military chain it was attached to laid tangled
"hey bob, i think i understand why he needed you."
April 11, 2019


SUMMERTIME SADNESS

summertime sadness.
May 26, 2019


I THINK OF HIM OFTEN

He carried some depth to him though. Like, no one had taken the time to just listen to him. 
June 20, 2019


(UNTITLED)

It isn't about what you've gone through but how you talk about what you have experienced.

You might have thought you were telling me another life story but in reality, you were showing me what it was like to live like you.
July 17, 2019


FEELINGS

Your feelings are real but they are not reality.

Feelings are not facts.
July 22, 2019


(UNTILTED)

a dear conner kind of deal about my life. 
December 6, 2019


CATCHING UP WITH V
S t r u g g l e s (I write this under the spell of a coffee high)

I was very emotional last night. I had talked to a few people who had seemed to be going through a difficult time in their lives. It dawned on me that there are so many humans who are struggling to see light and are going through hell so that they can make it out of the dark. The words I shared with those struggling were the words I needed to listen to myself.

"We make mistakes as humans. The feeling of dread and self-disappointment gets us all down. Moving on is hard but it's always a possibility. The journey is hard but remember to be gentle and kind to yourself."
January 28, 2020


WORDS THAT I HAVE HEARD:

"I love your soul. I hope you're happy."

It's not often I hear these two sentences but when I do, I keep them close to my heart. Those words make me feel comfortable being myself and tell me that someone cares enough about me to hope for the best. I hope you're happy too. Thank you for caring.
April 18, 2020


(UNTITLED)

The last three days I've felt my heart in my chest.
I spend time wondering where this feeling came from.
Moments, where I am distracted from this feeling, make me feel like I am flying.

I'd be a sad dancer if I danced right now. I feel like I am being watched all the time and the only times I feel like sharing my feelings are when the lights are out and you can't see my face.
April 30, 2020


(UNTITLED)

 I spend days sleeping and looking out into space even when it's not dark enough to see the stars

As long as the eyes have a story I am attached to- they are beautiful
May 12, 2020


YOU

you
have a special power
anyone who's talked to you
wants to be in your space

you've got charm
they are curious about you

still to this day
i am wondering
what else you
are made of
June 1, 2020

Monday, June 1, 2020

six months since

I lost a friend to suicide six months ago from today.

I thought that a month from when he passed away I would feel better. That the confusion of his sudden death would resolve and I would be in less pain than I was then but I was wrong. Six months from the day be passed away I still feel a tug at my heart when I think of him and I am still sensitive towards topics of loss and grieving.

I know that a year from when my friend passed that the wound will still feel fresh and it'll feel like not so long ago that he was talking to me on the bus about his dad. Time will add distance to my loss but I will always remember the way I felt when I first found out he took his life.

When I found out I kept thinking no. I texted him. I asked friends of his if what I thought had happened was true. I found out it was and I cried on and off that night. I kept wondering why and what happened. He seemed to be doing okay. Maybe he just had one bad moment? Could I have done more? I barely got any sleep that night. I felt like I was sinking in confusion.

Months went by and I still wondered but I have come to terms with a few things. I think that his life was, for the most part, okay. I think that my friend had one powerful moment in which he felt so down he took his life. His life wasn't bad- it was just a bad moment.

Talking to others who have gone through a similar thing has helped me too. Through talking with friends I found out that what I had been feeling was valid. I found others that felt the same way and it was okay to feel how I felt.

Grief isn't linear. Life isn't either. There are times when I felt okay and times when I was reminded of my losses and hardships. For the most part, the days seem to get lighter as time passes but some days I've felt so much weight on my shoulders that I stare into space just dreaming in the daylight. And that's okay. That's coping.

Checking out his light a candle page is healing. Writing letters to him in my journal is coping. Talking to friends about him, writing posts about my feelings, going on walks in his remembrance, lighting candles, and imagining what he might say to me is how I've grieved.

I've learned that loss is whatever feels right in the moment no matter how much or how little time has passed. Loss is trauma. Wondering if you'll see someone again after they've said goodbye to you is a side effect of it. Suicide leaves questions. Losing someone makes you feel things. Time won't make it better but doing what feels right to you can be soothing. That's the reality of a loss so great. That I have come to terms with.
© Simply Me
Maira Gall