feels like its the last few days of being quarantined

I have found myself more comfortable during quarantine in the last couple of days. So much so, that I wonder how I will transition into a busier lifestyle after the Pandemic blows over. I've fallen into peace with days that pass by slowly, a mind that is in the clouds, making meals instead of reheating whatever was leftover, staring at a book instead of reading it, taking mid-day naps, and having trouble sleeping.

I want to assume we are among the last couple of days of being quarantined. Knowing that this pause is going to end leaves me with a heavy heart. Sometimes, I wish I could live the same days over and over again. I know that I will miss these days. I already imagine myself busy as can be yet thinking about the days we were all forced to stop. I'll miss the feeling of not being obligated to do anything too. There is nothing I have to do. I can breathe. These might be the last couple of breaths I take without worry. That stresses me.

I have an unsettling feeling in my gut that life will move so quickly once we unpause that I won't be able to hold on. I can already picture myself pulling my hair out from the roots and eczema forming on my once soft skin because I forgot how to manage a busy life. I'm afraid of what getting "back into the swing of things" will look like. If I could avoid it I just might. My inner child is talking right now, "I don't want to grow up, again."

this pause makes me feel like I have gone back in time.

in honor of the pause... memories made during quarantine: 

TINY FARM MEMORIES/// living on a tiny farm with 2 little girls and 6 older boys/ taking care of baby chicks that got sent through the mail/ making baked goods and failing miserably/ mini road trips with Keegan when we got bored of being home/ adventuring to the skate park/ hiking and then eating dumplings and egg rolls with Keegan/ going on a motorbike (sorry mom)/ jumping on a trampoline/ late night DEV episodes/ reading children's books/ working on my april challenge emails/ eating at 1am/ looking at the stars on the trampoline/ making forts with the girls and watching movies in it/ backyard picnics/ going on an Easter egg hunt/ eating lunch on the porch/ going on runs with one of the girls/ painting nails at 12/ meditating until I was about to sleep/ calling kim/ Keegan jumping and then breaking a step on the ladder to his loft/ calling Lauren on facetime + having dance parties/ building fairy houses and drawing them too/ eating dinner at the big table/ bringing lambs into their pin when they escaped/ making soups/ wrote about childhood memories/ eating lunch with Keegan/ daydreaming/ snuggles in the morning/ playing Spanish music and cooking/ dancing/ picking poppies/ hanging out with Keegan's friend/ writing in my journal/ mid-day naps/ drawing on a big whiteboard/ making V8/ showering/ calling dad/ helping with homework/ taking about boys with A/ hanging out with Melly the collie/ holding hands/ driving to Dutch just to ride in the car/ not drinking coffee for a month

AT HOME// making salad rolls/ watching talking through a movie with Lauren/ going to the store/ calling dad/ making bubble tea/ knitting a scarf while I listened to podcasts or watched a movie/ being spacy/ writing in my journal/ catching up with EV/ being a blogger/ sitting out on the deck/ writing in my journal/ sleeping 12 hours and then taking naps/ fighting with Lauren/ watching shows with mom/ laying in half a tub of water/ doing my mother nails and sisters/ celebrating my mom's birthday/ drawing/ looking at old journals/ little music concerts by myself/ dancing on the basketball court/ facetime with Sara

I have put so much effort into filling my time with activities and letting my inner child shine. This is why I don't want this period to end. And although there have been periods in my day where I felt like I wanted to die without dying there are so many moments that I have loved. SO MANY LITTLE WONDER MOMENTS. If I am being honest I didn't come to terms with how much I've done until I put this list together. I am grateful for everything.

There will be a time when I am an "adult" again doing adult-like things and I know I will miss what felt like summer in the spring. For now, I am okay where I am.