Tuesday, April 28, 2020

feels like its the last few days of being quarantined

I have found myself more comfortable during quarantine in the last couple of days. So much so, that I wonder how I will transition into a busier lifestyle after the Pandemic blows over. I've fallen into peace with days that pass by slowly, a mind that is in the clouds, making meals instead of reheating whatever was leftover, staring at a book instead of reading it, taking mid-day naps, and having trouble sleeping.

I want to assume we are among the last couple of days of being quarantined. Knowing that this pause is going to end leaves me with a heavy heart. Sometimes, I wish I could live the same days over and over again. I know that I will miss these days. I already imagine myself busy as can be yet thinking about the days we were all forced to stop. I'll miss the feeling of not being obligated to do anything too. There is nothing I have to do. I can breathe. These might be the last couple of breaths I take without worry. That stresses me.

I have an unsettling feeling in my gut that life will move so quickly once we unpause that I won't be able to hold on. I can already picture myself pulling my hair out from the roots and eczema forming on my once soft skin because I forgot how to manage a busy life. I'm afraid of what getting "back into the swing of things" will look like. If I could avoid it I just might. My inner child is talking right now, "I don't want to grow up, again."

this pause makes me feel like I have gone back in time.

in honor of the pause... memories made during quarantine: 

TINY FARM MEMORIES/// living on a tiny farm with 2 little girls and 6 older boys/ taking care of baby chicks that got sent through the mail/ making baked goods and failing miserably/ mini road trips with Keegan when we got bored of being home/ adventuring to the skate park/ hiking and then eating dumplings and egg rolls with Keegan/ going on a motorbike (sorry mom)/ jumping on a trampoline/ late night DEV episodes/ reading children's books/ working on my april challenge emails/ eating at 1am/ looking at the stars on the trampoline/ making forts with the girls and watching movies in it/ backyard picnics/ going on an Easter egg hunt/ eating lunch on the porch/ going on runs with one of the girls/ painting nails at 12/ meditating until I was about to sleep/ calling kim/ Keegan jumping and then breaking a step on the ladder to his loft/ calling Lauren on facetime + having dance parties/ building fairy houses and drawing them too/ eating dinner at the big table/ bringing lambs into their pin when they escaped/ making soups/ wrote about childhood memories/ eating lunch with Keegan/ daydreaming/ snuggles in the morning/ playing Spanish music and cooking/ dancing/ picking poppies/ hanging out with Keegan's friend/ writing in my journal/ mid-day naps/ drawing on a big whiteboard/ making V8/ showering/ calling dad/ helping with homework/ taking about boys with A/ hanging out with Melly the collie/ holding hands/ driving to Dutch just to ride in the car/ not drinking coffee for a month

AT HOME// making salad rolls/ watching talking through a movie with Lauren/ going to the store/ calling dad/ making bubble tea/ knitting a scarf while I listened to podcasts or watched a movie/ being spacy/ writing in my journal/ catching up with EV/ being a blogger/ sitting out on the deck/ writing in my journal/ sleeping 12 hours and then taking naps/ fighting with Lauren/ watching shows with mom/ laying in half a tub of water/ doing my mother nails and sisters/ celebrating my mom's birthday/ drawing/ looking at old journals/ little music concerts by myself/ dancing on the basketball court/ facetime with Sara

I have put so much effort into filling my time with activities and letting my inner child shine. This is why I don't want this period to end. And although there have been periods in my day where I felt like I wanted to die without dying there are so many moments that I have loved. SO MANY LITTLE WONDER MOMENTS. If I am being honest I didn't come to terms with how much I've done until I put this list together. I am grateful for everything.

There will be a time when I am an "adult" again doing adult-like things and I know I will miss what felt like summer in the spring. For now, I am okay where I am.

Thursday, April 23, 2020

misery creates compassion

There was a small part of a book that read something like, "In order to have compassion, we must go through times of misery, for the more we suffer the more compassionate we become."  The author then writes, "Should I create more misery and suffering in my life so that I can become a more compassionate and empathic person?"

I read these words two days ago. They have lingered in my mind. I feel as that I have gone through my fair share of tragedies- many of them self-created. If I didn't do that one thing I wouldn't have ended up in the situation I was in. Perhaps I can't avoid making my life a mess because it seems like I turn my life into the living hell it didn't have to be about every year or so.

2017 Summer- Not my fault situation number1
2018 Spring- Things happen that are out of your control but how you react is your choice situation number 2
2020 Winter- You could have chose not to but you did situation number 3'
(I don't feel like publicly announcing the events that turned my life upside down) 

Those are the kinds of things I would change/erase given the chance to go back in time. At least at first, I would want to change/erase them but after having had worked through them I have learned that those are the kinds of things that have helped me become ME. These cringe-worthy events have turned into something bittersweet.

It's troublesome to wander in these events. They all are heavy in negative emotions and fuzzy in detail. The most recent events are fresh in my mind, are hard to process, and are not to be talked about. Absentmindedly, I retrace the steps of the most recent event to try to make some sense of it all. Normally, I am left with feelings of hatred towards the choices I made. I want nothing but for the wandering to stop and the memories to delete themselves. So I delete pictures I don't like to think about and videos that replay for longer in my mind than on the phone. I don't want to think about it- I hate that it happened. I went through enough to scar me for years to come.

Having compassion for myself in this kind of situation feels near impossible. I am too embarrassed, full of shame, and self-hatred. Forgiveness will come eventually but it will take time rewalking through memories to understand that I deserve self- compassion.

Misery might help us relate to others and become more compassionate towards them but our own misery is unrelated and new.

I am healing and working through the details so that I can create self-compassion towards situations in my life that are lacking it. I would not like to purposely create more misery in attempts to gain more compassion towards others but I'd like to work through my own situations so I can better relate and love others and myself.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

a little on patience


I found myself asking the universe give me patience a couple of days ago. Remembering which situation prompted me to ask for it is hard because there were a few times I needed more patience. It's difficult not to get angry or upset when from sunrise to sunset I am waiting for better news regarding the worldwide pandemic. It seems as nothing is changing in the world of change I am living in.

Because I am not enrolled in classes this term, I feel as if I am on summer vacation expect there are no parks to visit and no friends to see and the weather is, in my opinion, better. Patience and the word slow seem to fit together this Spring.

When I am being patient I often times feel as though I must hang in there. Hanging in there when I am on the verge of becoming irritable seems to take forever, hence the word slow fitting in with patience. I become stuck in the waiting period of waiting for whatever irritant is in my way to simply move. That or I learn to move past it so to acquire peace.

Asking for patience is humbling. By asking for it I realize that I am not being as patient as I could be towards a situation I find my heart softens and my mind becomes more accepting of what is going on around it. The situation doesn't feel as hopeless as it once did after patience is asked for. The next couple of days I will make more of an active effort to be patient towards myself and the others around me.

Reminders to self:
I need to be more gentle towards the children I am surrounded by
Meditation in the middle of the night to fall back to bed is helpful *adds this*
Clouds that hang low to the mountains after it has rained are beautiful *then adds another distraction*

Thought there were more things to add onto that list but in the process of explaining tea and thinking about things I can't pinpoint I've lost any other thoughts. OH! *goes back to list*


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Wednesday, April 1, 2020

a letter to my younger self




The scary thought is that I’m 18 in a few years I might be married. I would have a husband, a job, a house to call my own, my life would be more independent, and other grown-up things. I think of myself reading this in a few years. I wonder whether I will be able to say yes to any of the things I think up of now. A house? Good job? Happy life? Strong faith? A husband? Pets? Gives me the chills to think that 25-year-old me might be reading this, correction, will be reading this. Maybe them you, as in future me, can help me explain the whole man I love thing. - 18 years old

Dear 18-year-old Vanessa,

I am now 22 and I can answer a few of the questions about what life will be like when you're older. First, you are a little more independent and you had to be stubborn as fuck to get that little ounce more of independence. You don't have a house yet but you did have one of the best jobs. You taught children how to dance. Life is happy most the time, as you've figured out already, there are good and bad times. Right now we are living through an unexpected event in history. I have yet to come to terms with how monumental what the world is going through is but I think it'll be something we look back on. There is a virus that is making so many people sick that the government has us at home in lockdown and social isolation. Don't be scared because I haven't freaked out yet. Anyway, your faith changes. I now believe that there is a higher power but it might not be God. Just something up in the clouds. As for a husband, that's a no. However, you are dating someone incredible. I can't tell you his name because if I did, that would be no fun but I will tell you a little bit about him. He treats you like he loves you. He is gentle and can uplift your spirit in a few seconds. His family is wonderful too. You love him and it's crazy how you had fallen so quickly for him- though I still don't know how to explain the whole man I love thing. I love him but it's unexplainable. 
I have no pets by the way.
© Simply Me
Maira Gall