Thursday, February 27, 2020

i don't say goodbye to the stars

As soon as the sunroof window opened I couldn't take my eyes away from the stars. Keegan had opened the window to his car as we drove back from a small hometown bar where a couple of our friends were playing pool.

The stars reminded me of how surreal it is to be alive. We were once nothing then all of a sudden you and I were born into existence. Tell me how that isn't by chance! There are so many beings that are never going to exist, you and I are living. I can see the stars that once were nothing as they to must be born into the universe. 
              
On a clear night, the stars are so bright it seems like they are closer than they actually are. I was reminded that they are bigger in size than the moon and at that moment I realized each of those stars truly must be far away. Earlier that day I had welcomed a son back into a family after have had coming back from their two-year mission in Brazil. 

"Days like these are wholesome and heartwarming," I told my Keegan. 

He was quiet for a second, "Are you talking about today?" 

I nodded in the dark, "Yes."

The kinds of days were I am surrounded by people who love one another and are accepting of who I am are the kinds of days I want more of in my life. Happy days should make me happy but after the overwhelming amount of love that was shared, I needed to be held.

Talking to Keegan about how days when the sun is out or how loving families make me feel isn't hard to do but it doesn't come out easily. I am battling my thoughts in all those conversations. Don't say that. You'll sound depressed. Don't share. Try and see what happens probably nothing okay... When the thoughts come to a stop I speak words of meaning. 

I voice out loud into the earth that I am not okay. The past three weeks have been rocky and unpredictable. I have come close to losing people I love and myself. I have been irresponsible. I have done some things that make me tense when I think about it. I lost myself as I thought about the people that are no longer here with me. The past few weeks have reminded me of past trauma and created new trauma. They are going to think I am a mess...

I may not be okay but the stars still shine bright.

I may hurt now but I will smile in the little moments so that I can learn how to be the kind of person that others are inspired to be. 

I go inside with Keegan without saying goodbye to the stars. 

Instead, I thank them for being a light in a time of darkness.

6 comments

  1. This is breathtakingly beautiful. I'm sorry your last few weeks have been rough. I'm glad you haven't said goodbye to the stars.


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  2. It's okay to be messy! Love this!!

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