Saturday, June 6, 2020

words i haven't posted

ALIENS

inside my head, I feel it spinning. restless, unsteady, unmoving.

the therapist will think my mind fucked up. it's all a mess but it's alright. Damn.

aliens- let's go to the stars and find one
maybe I can go and be one

to the moon and back

aliens and back
February 5, 2019


GRADES

There is a haunting quiet moving in my soul. It's unsettling but comforting too. I need to remember that in these times where I think I could go back into a state of depression that there isn't a need to worry. What happens will happen.

I want to be a lot of things. Someone who doesn't worry for herself but for others. However, how can you take care of others when you aren't taken care of. There is only so much to give before you are broken inside and have little to offer since there would be no hope.

I care for others a great deal and I hope to the universe that I always will. Others are my calling I am a caretaker.
February 12, 2019


10:11

10:17
My brows are scrunched together like a piece of tape rolled into a ball
I wonder about us
February 17, 2019



(UNTITLED POST)

particles in the air get caught on your skin.
my emotions will never stick to you,
instead, they will gravitate towards me.
April 2, 2019


HE

i held your dog's ashes in my hand as we laid in your bed
the comforter tangled around us as we laid in mumbles
light seeped through the sheets hung as curtains
cold fragile glass touched my fingers and
the metal military chain it was attached to laid tangled
"hey bob, i think i understand why he needed you."

//

the wood door was being separated from it's resting spot
as he opened it i heard the music and smelled the smog
lingering pockets of intoxication were floating in the air
earlier that day i said something like, "it must really be hard emotionally 
to have to deal with your mother always being intoxicated
and having to talk care of her instead of getting support from her."
his mom looked at me. through shot eyes. she looked through me.
Vanessa was what I said after she asked my name
my name was
Vanessa.
Earlier he told me about his mother and
I knew it hurt because he told me about her with so much humor masked on top of it.
Humor can be a sad thing.
He was in shock that I picked up what he hid emotionally and told me that it was
almost comforting someone noticed that there was emotion behind his story.
that hurt to hear. that he like others were misunderstood. 
April 11, 2019


SUMMERTIME SADNESS

summertime sadness.
May 26, 2019


I THINK OF HIM OFTEN

I can relate to this boy and how he struggles with his family life. I can also see that there is so much more out there for him. I hope him well. His blonde curls and goofy face.

He carried some depth to him though. Like, no one had taken the time to just listen to him. And I wish we both were not at the place I worked but instead just somewhere quiet where I could hear all of it.
June 20, 2019


(UNTITLED)

It isn't about what you've gone through but how you talk about what you have experienced.

You might have thought you were telling me another life story but in reality, you were showing me what it was like to live like you.
July 17, 2019


FEELINGS

Your feelings are real but they are not reality.

Feelings are not facts.
July 22, 2019


(UNTILTED)

a dear conner kind of deal about my life. 
December 6, 2019


CATCHING UP WITH V
S t r u g g l e s (I write this under the spell of a coffee high)

I was very emotional last night. I had talked to a few people who had seemed to be going through a difficult time in their lives. It dawned on me that there are so many humans who are struggling to see light and are going through hell so that they can make it out of the dark. The words I shared with those struggling were the words I needed to listen to myself.

"We make mistakes as humans. The feeling of dread and self-disappointment gets us all down. Moving on is hard but it's always a possibility. The journey is hard but remember to be gentle and kind to yourself."
January 28, 2020


WORDS THAT I HAVE HEARD:

"I love your soul. I hope you're happy."

It's not often I hear these two sentences but when I do, I keep them close to my heart. Those words make me feel comfortable being myself and tell me that someone cares enough about me to hope for the best. I hope you're happy too. Thank you for caring.
April 18, 2020


(UNTITLED)

The last three days I've felt my heart in my chest.
I spend time wondering where this feeling came from.
Moments, where I am distracted from this feeling, make me feel like I am flying.

I'd be a sad dancer if I danced right now. I feel like I am being watched all the time and the only times I feel like sharing my feelings are when the lights are out and you can't see my face.
April 30, 2020


(UNTITLED)

 I spend days sleeping and looking out into space even when it's not dark enough to see the stars

As long as the eyes have a story I am attached to- they are beautiful
May 12, 2020


YOU

you
have a special power
anyone who's talked to you
wants to be in your space

you've got charm
they are curious about you

still to this day
i am wondering
what else you
are made of
June 1, 2020

Monday, June 1, 2020

six months since

I lost a friend to suicide six months ago from today.

I thought that a month from when he passed away I would feel better. That the confusion of his sudden death would resolve and I would be in less pain than I was then but I was wrong. Six months from the day be passed away I still feel a tug at my heart when I think of him and I am still sensitive towards topics of loss and grieving.

I know that a year from when my friend passed that the wound will still feel fresh and it'll feel like not so long ago that he was talking to me on the bus about his dad. Time will add distance to my loss but I will always remember the way I felt when I first found out he took his life.

When I found out I kept thinking no. I texted him. I asked friends of his if what I thought had happened was true. I found out it was and I cried on and off that night. I kept wondering why and what happened. He seemed to be doing okay. Maybe he just had one bad moment? Could I have done more? I barely got any sleep that night. I felt like I was sinking in confusion.

Months went by and I still wondered but I have come to terms with a few things. I think that his life was, for the most part, okay. I think that my friend had one powerful moment in which he felt so down he took his life. His life wasn't bad- it was just a bad moment.

Talking to others who have gone through a similar thing has helped me too. Through talking with friends I found out that what I had been feeling was valid. I found others that felt the same way and it was okay to feel how I felt.

Grief isn't linear. Life isn't either. There are times when I felt okay and times when I was reminded of my losses and hardships. For the most part, the days seem to get lighter as time passes but some days I've felt so much weight on my shoulders that I stare into space just dreaming in the daylight. And that's okay. That's coping.

Checking out his light a candle page is healing. Writing letters to him in my journal is coping. Talking to friends about him, writing posts about my feelings, going on walks in his remembrance, lighting candles, and imagining what he might say to me is how I've grieved.

I've learned that loss is whatever feels right in the moment no matter how much or how little time has passed. Loss is trauma. Wondering if you'll see someone again after they've said goodbye to you is a side effect of it. Suicide leaves questions. Losing someone makes you feel things. Time won't make it better but doing what feels right to you can be soothing. That's the reality of a loss so great. That I have come to terms with.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

the littlest joys

I'm not sure who taught me to find joy in the littlest of things but if I had to guess who I'd guess my mother, who always taught me to be thankful for what I have, and the blogging community, who wrote about the simplest of things with so much enthusiasm it made me want to do the same. I am grateful that even when my heart hurts I can find at least one thing that gives me a feeling of happiness.

I try to remember moments that make me feel a certain way. This feeling is hard to describe for it isn't happiness alone- it's a mix of emotions that lights a passion fire in me and makes me forget all the things I might be worried about.

Doing normal things has been hard. They take more time to do when I can manage to find the littlest ounce of motivation to something in the first place. However, when I do manage to do something I find that I am lighter because I tried or the outcome was great.

For example, I had wanted to cook something but nothing on Pinterest, yes I use this for half of my recipes, stood out. So I ended up making a chai tea with whatever spices I had and testing different kinds of milk. My hopes for this tea weren't high but when I tried the tea with milk that made the flavor of the chai stand out I internally danced with joy. The tea made me feel warm without being pushy. It wasn't' too sweet but just enough so that I was sent on an imagery journey to find the rest of the sugar in my soul.

I found something that inspired me and guided me to write a post that was never going to be written if it weren't for that feeling that the Chai tea gave me. 

written at 2am

Sunday, May 10, 2020

When the beach is "Closed"

What to take to the beach when the beach is closed:

just myself.

and maybe chapstick, a book, bobby pins, hair ties, and some snacks.

but mostly myself.

written at 12:50pm while waiting to get into the car
because we all know once your in the car you can sit down and enjoy the journey

Peppermint oil, and sweaters too! This is the Oregon coast we're talking about.


Turns out all I needed was:

water, a hair tie, a sweater, and some snacks.

but mostly myself.

Yesterday, was the kind of day I would journal about. Keegan's family and I drove in two cars to a closed beach on the Oregon coast. This Oregon girl sat distressed the first part of the car ride- it was too hot. 84 degrees. But I knew that once arriving at the coast it would feel like winter had come back to greet me. 

When we got there all the signs read closed and there was a small spark that was lit within me. To go somewhere you aren't supposed to is one of the most exciting feelings. I put my sweater back on as I got out of the car. Together, 11 people, walked past the do not enter signs and hiked down the trail to the beach. 

The beach was lonesome until we came to admire it's waters and run barefoot in the sand. We made two fires. One for food and the other for warmth. 65 degrees and wind makes for hands that numb quickly. Kids ran on the beach and 

I sat rather quiet that whole time. Thinking about how I felt connected to the earth at that moment but so separated from people at times. Sometimes I feel oceans away from who I am at the core but that's okay because there moments in which, for a small amount of time, I feel like myself. 

Sneaking to the beach is one of those, now more rare moments, that I feel like myself.

written the next day


Wednesday, May 6, 2020

peaceful solitude



My mind keeps wandering to this beach. I am not in love with beaches like I am mountains and forests but this beach gave light to my soul.

I remember one night I didn't want to sleep so I watched the stars and in the earlier hours I watched the sun bring the morning with it. I don't remember thinking about anything outside of what was happening. When I think about what I felt that night, I remember a feeling of peaceful solitude. That night it was the stars, moon, sun, and I keeping each other company from a distance.

Two nights ago, I sat still in the cold that night brought. My blanket and my music wrapped around me. When Fidelity by Jasmine Thompson played I pictured myself getting off the deck, walking to the middle of the parking lot, and dancing barefoot on the cement with my blanket to this song. I sat there imagining that for so long that eventually I replayed the song, walked to the middle of the moonlit parking lot, and started to dance.

A cold so great numbed my feet so much so that I couldn't feel how rough the cement was. Even if I could feel the cement I know I would have been so distracted by my shadow on the ground and the feeling of no one watching that I wouldn't have stopped dancing. At that moment I knew I was unique because I don't think it's just anyone that would get up to dance by themselves barefoot only to try to cheer themselves up.

I find comfort in those stars, the darkness of night, and doing things by my lonesome. I think about all the time I've done something on my own in the middle of the night. It's a lot. In fact, this is another of those times. I am sitting in the quiet of the night with my laptop. Simple as that.

I write this in hopes of opening up more possibilities for myself during the dark of night.

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

feels like its the last few days of being quarantined

I have found myself more comfortable during quarantine in the last couple of days. So much so, that I wonder how I will transition into a busier lifestyle after the Pandemic blows over. I've fallen into peace with days that pass by slowly, a mind that is in the clouds, making meals instead of reheating whatever was leftover, staring at a book instead of reading it, taking mid-day naps, and having trouble sleeping.

I want to assume we are among the last couple of days of being quarantined. Knowing that this pause is going to end leaves me with a heavy heart. Sometimes, I wish I could live the same days over and over again. I know that I will miss these days. I already imagine myself busy as can be yet thinking about the days we were all forced to stop. I'll miss the feeling of not being obligated to do anything too. There is nothing I have to do. I can breathe. These might be the last couple of breaths I take without worry. That stresses me.

I have an unsettling feeling in my gut that life will move so quickly once we unpause that I won't be able to hold on. I can already picture myself pulling my hair out from the roots and eczema forming on my once soft skin because I forgot how to manage a busy life. I'm afraid of what getting "back into the swing of things" will look like. If I could avoid it I just might. My inner child is talking right now, "I don't want to grow up, again."

this pause makes me feel like I have gone back in time.

in honor of the pause... memories made during quarantine: 

TINY FARM MEMORIES/// living on a tiny farm with 2 little girls and 6 older boys/ taking care of baby chicks that got sent through the mail/ making baked goods and failing miserably/ mini road trips with Keegan when we got bored of being home/ adventuring to the skate park/ hiking and then eating dumplings and egg rolls with Keegan/ going on a motorbike (sorry mom)/ jumping on a trampoline/ late night DEV episodes/ reading children's books/ working on my april challenge emails/ eating at 1am/ looking at the stars on the trampoline/ making forts with the girls and watching movies in it/ backyard picnics/ going on an Easter egg hunt/ eating lunch on the porch/ going on runs with one of the girls/ painting nails at 12/ meditating until I was about to sleep/ calling kim/ Keegan jumping and then breaking a step on the ladder to his loft/ calling Lauren on facetime + having dance parties/ building fairy houses and drawing them too/ eating dinner at the big table/ bringing lambs into their pin when they escaped/ making soups/ wrote about childhood memories/ eating lunch with Keegan/ daydreaming/ snuggles in the morning/ playing Spanish music and cooking/ dancing/ picking poppies/ hanging out with Keegan's friend/ writing in my journal/ mid-day naps/ drawing on a big whiteboard/ making V8/ showering/ calling dad/ helping with homework/ taking about boys with A/ hanging out with Melly the collie/ holding hands/ driving to Dutch just to ride in the car/ not drinking coffee for a month

AT HOME// making salad rolls/ watching talking through a movie with Lauren/ going to the store/ calling dad/ making bubble tea/ knitting a scarf while I listened to podcasts or watched a movie/ being spacy/ writing in my journal/ catching up with EV/ being a blogger/ sitting out on the deck/ writing in my journal/ sleeping 12 hours and then taking naps/ fighting with Lauren/ watching shows with mom/ laying in half a tub of water/ doing my mother nails and sisters/ celebrating my mom's birthday/ drawing/ looking at old journals/ little music concerts by myself/ dancing on the basketball court/ facetime with Sara

I have put so much effort into filling my time with activities and letting my inner child shine. This is why I don't want this period to end. And although there have been periods in my day where I felt like I wanted to die without dying there are so many moments that I have loved. SO MANY LITTLE WONDER MOMENTS. If I am being honest I didn't come to terms with how much I've done until I put this list together. I am grateful for everything.

There will be a time when I am an "adult" again doing adult-like things and I know I will miss what felt like summer in the spring. For now, I am okay where I am.

Thursday, April 23, 2020

misery creates compassion

There was a small part of a book that read something like, "In order to have compassion, we must go through times of misery, for the more we suffer the more compassionate we become."  The author then writes, "Should I create more misery and suffering in my life so that I can become a more compassionate and empathic person?"

I read these words two days ago. They have lingered in my mind. I feel as that I have gone through my fair share of tragedies- many of them self-created. If I didn't do that one thing I wouldn't have ended up in the situation I was in. Perhaps I can't avoid making my life a mess because it seems like I turn my life into the living hell it didn't have to be about every year or so.

2017 Summer- Not my fault situation number1
2018 Spring- Things happen that are out of your control but how you react is your choice situation number 2
2020 Winter- You could have chose not to but you did situation number 3'
(I don't feel like publicly announcing the events that turned my life upside down) 

Those are the kinds of things I would change/erase given the chance to go back in time. At least at first, I would want to change/erase them but after having had worked through them I have learned that those are the kinds of things that have helped me become ME. These cringe-worthy events have turned into something bittersweet.

It's troublesome to wander in these events. They all are heavy in negative emotions and fuzzy in detail. The most recent events are fresh in my mind, are hard to process, and are not to be talked about. Absentmindedly, I retrace the steps of the most recent event to try to make some sense of it all. Normally, I am left with feelings of hatred towards the choices I made. I want nothing but for the wandering to stop and the memories to delete themselves. So I delete pictures I don't like to think about and videos that replay for longer in my mind than on the phone. I don't want to think about it- I hate that it happened. I went through enough to scar me for years to come.

Having compassion for myself in this kind of situation feels near impossible. I am too embarrassed, full of shame, and self-hatred. Forgiveness will come eventually but it will take time rewalking through memories to understand that I deserve self- compassion.

Misery might help us relate to others and become more compassionate towards them but our own misery is unrelated and new.

I am healing and working through the details so that I can create self-compassion towards situations in my life that are lacking it. I would not like to purposely create more misery in attempts to gain more compassion towards others but I'd like to work through my own situations so I can better relate and love others and myself.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

a little on patience


I found myself asking the universe give me patience a couple of days ago. Remembering which situation prompted me to ask for it is hard because there were a few times I needed more patience. It's difficult not to get angry or upset when from sunrise to sunset I am waiting for better news regarding the worldwide pandemic. It seems as nothing is changing in the world of change I am living in.

Because I am not enrolled in classes this term, I feel as if I am on summer vacation expect there are no parks to visit and no friends to see and the weather is, in my opinion, better. Patience and the word slow seem to fit together this Spring.

When I am being patient I often times feel as though I must hang in there. Hanging in there when I am on the verge of becoming irritable seems to take forever, hence the word slow fitting in with patience. I become stuck in the waiting period of waiting for whatever irritant is in my way to simply move. That or I learn to move past it so to acquire peace.

Asking for patience is humbling. By asking for it I realize that I am not being as patient as I could be towards a situation I find my heart softens and my mind becomes more accepting of what is going on around it. The situation doesn't feel as hopeless as it once did after patience is asked for. The next couple of days I will make more of an active effort to be patient towards myself and the others around me.

Reminders to self:
I need to be more gentle towards the children I am surrounded by
Meditation in the middle of the night to fall back to bed is helpful *adds this*
Clouds that hang low to the mountains after it has rained are beautiful *then adds another distraction*

Thought there were more things to add onto that list but in the process of explaining tea and thinking about things I can't pinpoint I've lost any other thoughts. OH! *goes back to list*


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Wednesday, April 1, 2020

a letter to my younger self




The scary thought is that I’m 18 in a few years I might be married. I would have a husband, a job, a house to call my own, my life would be more independent, and other grown-up things. I think of myself reading this in a few years. I wonder whether I will be able to say yes to any of the things I think up of now. A house? Good job? Happy life? Strong faith? A husband? Pets? Gives me the chills to think that 25-year-old me might be reading this, correction, will be reading this. Maybe them you, as in future me, can help me explain the whole man I love thing. - 18 years old

Dear 18-year-old Vanessa,

I am now 22 and I can answer a few of the questions about what life will be like when you're older. First, you are a little more independent and you had to be stubborn as fuck to get that little ounce more of independence. You don't have a house yet but you did have one of the best jobs. You taught children how to dance. Life is happy most the time, as you've figured out already, there are good and bad times. Right now we are living through an unexpected event in history. I have yet to come to terms with how monumental what the world is going through is but I think it'll be something we look back on. There is a virus that is making so many people sick that the government has us at home in lockdown and social isolation. Don't be scared because I haven't freaked out yet. Anyway, your faith changes. I now believe that there is a higher power but it might not be God. Just something up in the clouds. As for a husband, that's a no. However, you are dating someone incredible. I can't tell you his name because if I did, that would be no fun but I will tell you a little bit about him. He treats you like he loves you. He is gentle and can uplift your spirit in a few seconds. His family is wonderful too. You love him and it's crazy how you had fallen so quickly for him- though I still don't know how to explain the whole man I love thing. I love him but it's unexplainable. 
I have no pets by the way.

Sunday, March 29, 2020

catching up with v + rant + announcement

It's been a fat minute since I've done one of these posts but they are some of my favorites to look back on. I honestly just need to write on this blog. It doesn't matter about what I just want to have content to be able to look back on. That being said the quality should still remain high- by no means should a writer put out words just to put out words. Have a general-purpose.

APRIL
April will bring challenges with all us being at home more often. I've tried so hard to make my days the least repetitive as possible but because I am waking up and going to bed in the same place it's hard to feel like the days are any different. Being in the same location all the time will do that. I've been trying to keep writing, cooking, and doing things I enjoy.

RUNNING
I've started to run again. My legs were sore for the first couple of days- they just now feel okay. There are still blisters on them but I am proud of those. They are showing real commitment to my running goals. I am not much of a runner but since I don't have gym access right now running and getting air is about the only form of exercise that feels worth it to me. (All this coming from someone who is a personal trainer, yikes.)

SPANISH MUSIC
Latin based music has been therapeutic to me. I've been listening to a lot of the Spanish songs my mother would play at home when I was growing up. I am surprised at how music can bring my mind into ease. It feels so natural to connect with that part of who I am. I live in a household of Latinos but sometimes the culture is stripped away because of how engraved we are in accepting and becoming more American. I miss listening to my family talk Spanish instead of English. I am proud to be of two cultures but sometimes I need a break of the American culture that is always in arms reach.

I've been dancing to this music too. That feels better than anything else. I use to dance to the songs my mother would play in the living room with my sister when we were younger. Some of the best times of my life were those times. I bring dance into everything I do with little groves. Spanish music seems more natural to dance to than anything else some times. Thankful for it.

LOOKING FORWARD TO... (& RANT)
Sunnier days. I am not a sun child but I am craving some sunshine and sitting in the middle of a field. It sounds so much nicer than sitting in the same house day in and day out because it's raining. I was upset the other day because the tennis courts were closed due to the virus and our governor's closing parks. It didn't make me happy and I was irritated when I got back into the house. So much so I cried a little then went on a run, which had made me feel better.

I need more nature in my life. Maybe to connect with my inner child by making mud pies and some fairy houses too. I have been writing down a lot of childhood memories. I have been loving going back into the past and almost reliving childhood as I type words about the things we did as kids but it also makes me long for those days. The writing of all the stories is awful but for some reason, I simply feel the need to note all these memories down into one page. So that's what I have been doing. No idea what it will turn into other than some stories to read when I am bat shit old and have memory loss.

Dramatic I know. If you have kept up with me till here you are a true hero. I've always wondered why bloggers have stuck around for years. I have stuck with you all because I am attached to everyone's stories. It's like being fed a drug to know you are alive sometimes. I get happy and I think about what your lives are like. If you are anything like I, I hope you've enjoyed this post.

The Beatles is playing now. I've been into them and John Denver. Ah- good music. I will say Here Come The Sun really does make me cry though.

I need to write about my sad/ crying obsession soon...

OHHHH ALSO IF YOU WANNA MAKE THE MOST OF APRIL. This challenge is for you! I've come up (hehehe I mean am coming up with) 30 different challenges that will help you stay sane through everything that is happening. Here is the link. Please sign up!

LINK LINK LINK HERE HERE HERE!!

*notices how half the post is me ranting... okay bye.*


Wednesday, March 18, 2020

i hope you are inspired + reflection

DEAR BLOG FAMILY
I feel a deep connection with my blog family. Forever each one of you has a place in my heart. Logging into blogger tonight I noticed a few more posts written than normal. This made me ever so excited. Although we are going through hard times it seems as we are all finding ways to feel connected again. I do hope that each one of you finds the inspiration to walk back to your roots and blog.

There isn't much I'd like to say other than keep inspired and creative. I've done a lot of journaling, newsletter writing, and reflecting via naps recently. It's been so beneficial to slow down and feel like I am a teen blogger during the months of summer when I was job and responsibility-less.

MY FEELINGS
My feelings have been all over the place. I feel like I imagine many of you do anxious, about the situation we are going through. To combat those feelings uncertainty I am keeping busy by surrounding myself around people who are uplifting and avoiding the news. I cringe at most talk about what it going on- call it avoidance but this is saving my mental health. 

I've also been feeling like a caretaker as of recently. Maybe that comes with being a female and being surrounded by younger children. Simply want to help them and make it better. One of the little girls at the household I am staying at has a hard time with conflict. I feel like she is easily misunderstood for she simply wants a little more attention when it comes to her needs. 

I am like her too. As a child, I resorted to crying to show that I needed a little extra support or attention. If you want attention as an adult crying isn't a bad idea people normally don't know how to handle it and there forward the world is yours. just saying 

FOOD
Becuase of all the time I've had, today I have been able to cook a few meals. Cooking has always been something I love doing to pass the time. I made cream of mushroom soup and it taste like childhood. As a child, my mother would heat up the canned kind and I simply remember really liking it. To be able to make a healthier version of it made my inner child so happy.

Saturday, March 14, 2020

where does this blog go now

I'm not sure where to take Simply Me from here. Over the last couple of days, I have redesigned it to be a place that will showcase the growth I intend on making in my early adult years but there is a yearning for a blog that is more professional too. I love that my blog has been a place for me to share every thought and experience that's been monumental to me but part of me wants to write posts that are more directed and that will generate traffic.

I'll admit that with age comes the need to be seen as a professional and to make an income doing the thing I am passionate about. That's what makes blogging hard for me. It's one of my favorite things to do but when explained to someone it is seen as a hobby for teens. I won't stop blogging because I still want to be an older lady in her 70's that runs an advice blog or something similar but it's difficult right now.

Success is on the mind of so many young adults right now. I think that the vast majority of us would give up a social life, put aside relationships, and walk away from adventure just to secure our future careers. It's saddening because we all should focus on doing what makes us happy in the moment but instead we are looking years into the future and choosing to struggle right now so that life will be easier later.

So that life will be better later.

Life doesn't get easier later. I've learned this through four years of a college education. Every term I would struggle to get passing grades in classes and towards the end of the term, one of the only phrases going through my mind was that next term would be better. When the term ended and the new one arrived I became hopeful that classes would be easier and that life wouldn't get in the way. However, every time I thought it would be better it only turned out to be more work.

I don't like the phrase it will be easier later.

This is a tangent I didn't intend on going on but here I am talking about how we shouldn't live preparing for life in the future but instead, we should be living the life we have right now.

I write all this thinking about how I could be successful in writing one of the most in-directional books there is for young adults. Here I am planning out ideas for things I can make an income off of.

This blog is home for all my mismatched thoughts that have to do with me growing as an individual. I see success in a couple of blizzard ways. I think I am successful because I have inspired others. I also feel like I am being successful when I am growing as a person. As long as this blog can be direct towards those two things I think I will be able to continue writing on it.

Blog Goals:
Reflect on growth while inspiring others to become inspired.

Thursday, February 27, 2020

i don't say goodbye to the stars

As soon as the sunroof window opened I couldn't take my eyes away from the stars. Keegan had opened the window to his car as we drove back from a small hometown bar where a couple of our friends were playing pool.

The stars reminded me of how surreal it is to be alive. We were once nothing then all of a sudden you and I were born into existence. Tell me how that isn't by chance! There are so many beings that are never going to exist, you and I are living. I can see the stars that once were nothing as they to must be born into the universe. 
              
On a clear night, the stars are so bright it seems like they are closer than they actually are. I was reminded that they are bigger in size than the moon and at that moment I realized each of those stars truly must be far away. Earlier that day I had welcomed a son back into a family after have had coming back from their two-year mission in Brazil. 

"Days like these are wholesome and heartwarming," I told my Keegan. 

He was quiet for a second, "Are you talking about today?" 

I nodded in the dark, "Yes."

The kinds of days were I am surrounded by people who love one another and are accepting of who I am are the kinds of days I want more of in my life. Happy days should make me happy but after the overwhelming amount of love that was shared, I needed to be held.

Talking to Keegan about how days when the sun is out or how loving families make me feel isn't hard to do but it doesn't come out easily. I am battling my thoughts in all those conversations. Don't say that. You'll sound depressed. Don't share. Try and see what happens probably nothing okay... When the thoughts come to a stop I speak words of meaning. 

I voice out loud into the earth that I am not okay. The past three weeks have been rocky and unpredictable. I have come close to losing people I love and myself. I have been irresponsible. I have done some things that make me tense when I think about it. I lost myself as I thought about the people that are no longer here with me. The past few weeks have reminded me of past trauma and created new trauma. They are going to think I am a mess...

I may not be okay but the stars still shine bright.

I may hurt now but I will smile in the little moments so that I can learn how to be the kind of person that others are inspired to be. 

I go inside with Keegan without saying goodbye to the stars. 

Instead, I thank them for being a light in a time of darkness.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Keegan and adventures

Keegan.

Here is what we've done together:

Ate dinner and played pool while talking to a regular at the bar. I didn’t have my ID on me so we stayed back from the bar area

Went to an indie pop club as well as a Great Dane DJ show

Made omelets at three am

Had a movie night with my sister, Joel, Lily, Rahmir, and him. We all stayed up too late. 

He watched one of my hip hop classes and said I was cute when I taught. 

Drove to newberg and back

Went to the mountains to snowboard

Had dinner with his family on Sunday around 4

Watched movies 

Worked out at the gym together

Went to a Chinese restaurant that played hip hop music then to a bar called Good Feet to drink a margarita and look at the art on the walls there

Stayed up late

Let his friend John and his family we played pool all together while I drank Spanish coffee. I was itching to dance so we went to a smaller club with a BOMb ass house based DJ. His name is DJ street. 

Jammed out everyplace we went in his beloved 4Runner 

Drove his family to the airport an hour drive

Attended mass with Daddy Dave. (Uhm inside joke.)

Went back to the mountains to board then to Keegan’s class

Slept lots of nights together. 

"I'm continuously mentally in a place that fosters growth, support, and love. It is not far from the physical attributes of home since locations haven't changed-- just the people around have. A sense of familiarity within the walls of a structure."
-Vanessa 
© Simply Me
Maira Gall