Saturday, April 4, 2020

a little on patience


I found myself asking the universe give me patience a couple of days ago. Remembering which situation prompted me to ask for it is hard because there were a few times I needed more patience. It's difficult not to get angry or upset when from sunrise to sunset I am waiting for better news regarding the worldwide pandemic. It seems as nothing is changing in the world of change I am living in.

Because I am not enrolled in classes this term, I feel as if I am on summer vacation expect there are no parks to visit and no friends to see and the weather is, in my opinion, better. Patience and the word slow seem to fit together this Spring.

When I am being patient I often times feel as though I must hang in there. Hanging in there when I am on the verge of becoming irritable seems to take forever, hence the word slow fitting in with patience. I become stuck in the waiting period of waiting for whatever irritant is in my way to simply move. That or I learn to move past it so to acquire peace.

Asking for patience is humbling. By asking for it I realize that I am not being as patient as I could be towards a situation I find my heart softens and my mind becomes more accepting of what is going on around it. The situation doesn't feel as hopeless as it once did after patience is asked for. The next couple of days I will make more of an active effort to be patient towards myself and the others around me.

Reminders to self:
I need to be more gentle towards the children I am surrounded by
Meditation in the middle of the night to fall back to bed is helpful *adds this*
Clouds that hang low to the mountains after it has rained are beautiful *then adds another distraction*

Thought there were more things to add onto that list but in the process of explaining tea and thinking about things I can't pinpoint I've lost any other thoughts. OH! *goes back to list*


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Wednesday, April 1, 2020

april

I found out that something I believed for almost four months was wrong. The day someone passed away. adsfjkldfjklsjfkl. I don't know how I feel about that but I did want to get it out into the world and confess.

April.

It looks like we are going to be at home for the whole month staring outside of our windows while our life remains, in a way, paused. It's like someone hit the pause button on a show we were all watching, Life, and never returned to hit play. Who knows when they will come back to hit the play button.

While we are all waiting I am working on a few projects. I wanted to take note of some of the things I am planning on doing this month. To me, it's more important to note what I did than what I am going to be doing but in order to keep accountable, I thought I would note this month's tasks on my blog.

I want to get back into the habit of running first off. I was reading older posts of mine from 2014-2018 and I noticed all the times I mentioned running. Since there isn't much of anything to do I think this is the perfect time to get back on track with running. I have gone on a few runs the past week and a half and boy, did I realize how stationary I had become. Put simply, I am going to try to add more running days to the month. That's it.

April Challenge. I put together a wellness challenge for anyone who wants to sign up. There are daily challenges for each day of the month. I had thought that another way for others to focus on their health during these times would be a great idea. Sign up here if you'd like another thing to do during social distancing.

Online fitness classes. There is nothing else to do but zoom fitness calls.

Writing down childhood memories.

Cooking more often.

a letter to my younger self




The scary thought is that I’m 18 in a few years I might be married. I would have a husband, a job, a house to call my own, my life would be more independent, and other grown-up things. I think of myself reading this in a few years. I wonder whether I will be able to say yes to any of the things I think up of now. A house? Good job? Happy life? Strong faith? A husband? Pets? Gives me the chills to think that 25-year-old me might be reading this, correction, will be reading this. Maybe them you, as in future me, can help me explain the whole man I love thing. - 18 years old

Dear 18-year-old Vanessa,

I am now 22 and I can answer a few of the questions about what life will be like when you're older. First, you are a little more independent and you had to be stubborn as fuck to get that little ounce more of independence. You don't have a house yet but you did have one of the best jobs. You taught children how to dance. Life is happy most the time, as you've figured out already, there are good and bad times. Right now we are living through an unexpected event in history. I have yet to come to terms with how monumental what the world is going through is but I think it'll be something we look back on. There is a virus that is making so many people sick that the government has us at home in lockdown and social isolation. Don't be scared because I haven't freaked out yet. Anyway, your faith changes. I now believe that there is a higher power but it might not be God. Just something up in the clouds. As for a husband, that's a no. However, you are dating someone incredible. I can't tell you his name because if I did, that would be no fun but I will tell you a little bit about him. He treats you like he loves you. He is gentle and can uplift your spirit in a few seconds. His family is wonderful too. You love him and it's crazy how you had fallen so quickly for him- though I still don't know how to explain the whole man I love thing. I love him but it's unexplainable. 
I have no pets by the way.

Sunday, March 29, 2020

catching up with v + rant + announcement

It's been a fat minute since I've done one of these posts but they are some of my favorites to look back on. I honestly just need to write on this blog. It doesn't matter about what I just want to have content to be able to look back on. That being said the quality should still remain high- by no means should a writer put out words just to put out words. Have a general-purpose.

APRIL
April will bring challenges with all us being at home more often. I've tried so hard to make my days the least repetitive as possible but because I am waking up and going to bed in the same place it's hard to feel like the days are any different. Being in the same location all the time will do that. I've been trying to keep writing, cooking, and doing things I enjoy.

RUNNING
I've started to run again. My legs were sore for the first couple of days- they just now feel okay. There are still blisters on them but I am proud of those. They are showing real commitment to my running goals. I am not much of a runner but since I don't have gym access right now running and getting air is about the only form of exercise that feels worth it to me. (All this coming from someone who is a personal trainer, yikes.)

SPANISH MUSIC
Latin based music has been therapeutic to me. I've been listening to a lot of the Spanish songs my mother would play at home when I was growing up. I am surprised at how music can bring my mind into ease. It feels so natural to connect with that part of who I am. I live in a household of Latinos but sometimes the culture is stripped away because of how engraved we are in accepting and becoming more American. I miss listening to my family talk Spanish instead of English. I am proud to be of two cultures but sometimes I need a break of the American culture that is always in arms reach.

I've been dancing to this music too. That feels better than anything else. I use to dance to the songs my mother would play in the living room with my sister when we were younger. Some of the best times of my life were those times. I bring dance into everything I do with little groves. Spanish music seems more natural to dance to than anything else some times. Thankful for it.

LOOKING FORWARD TO... (& RANT)
Sunnier days. I am not a sun child but I am craving some sunshine and sitting in the middle of a field. It sounds so much nicer than sitting in the same house day in and day out because it's raining. I was upset the other day because the tennis courts were closed due to the virus and our governor's closing parks. It didn't make me happy and I was irritated when I got back into the house. So much so I cried a little then went on a run, which had made me feel better.

I need more nature in my life. Maybe to connect with my inner child by making mud pies and some fairy houses too. I have been writing down a lot of childhood memories. I have been loving going back into the past and almost reliving childhood as I type words about the things we did as kids but it also makes me long for those days. The writing of all the stories is awful but for some reason, I simply feel the need to note all these memories down into one page. So that's what I have been doing. No idea what it will turn into other than some stories to read when I am bat shit old and have memory loss.

Dramatic I know. If you have kept up with me till here you are a true hero. I've always wondered why bloggers have stuck around for years. I have stuck with you all because I am attached to everyone's stories. It's like being fed a drug to know you are alive sometimes. I get happy and I think about what your lives are like. If you are anything like I, I hope you've enjoyed this post.

The Beatles is playing now. I've been into them and John Denver. Ah- good music. I will say Here Come The Sun really does make me cry though.

I need to write about my sad/ crying obsession soon...

OHHHH ALSO IF YOU WANNA MAKE THE MOST OF APRIL. This challenge is for you! I've come up (hehehe I mean am coming up with) 30 different challenges that will help you stay sane through everything that is happening. Here is the link. Please sign up!

LINK LINK LINK HERE HERE HERE!!

*notices how half the post is me ranting... okay bye.*


Wednesday, March 18, 2020

i hope you are inspired + reflection

DEAR BLOG FAMILY
I feel a deep connection with my blog family. Forever each one of you has a place in my heart. Logging into blogger tonight I noticed a few more posts written than normal. This made me ever so excited. Although we are going through hard times it seems as we are all finding ways to feel connected again. I do hope that each one of you finds the inspiration to walk back to your roots and blog.

There isn't much I'd like to say other than keep inspired and creative. I've done a lot of journaling, newsletter writing, and reflecting via naps recently. It's been so beneficial to slow down and feel like I am a teen blogger during the months of summer when I was job and responsibility-less.

MY FEELINGS
My feelings have been all over the place. I feel like I imagine many of you do anxious, about the situation we are going through. To combat those feelings uncertainty I am keeping busy by surrounding myself around people who are uplifting and avoiding the news. I cringe at most talk about what it going on- call it avoidance but this is saving my mental health. 

I've also been feeling like a caretaker as of recently. Maybe that comes with being a female and being surrounded by younger children. Simply want to help them and make it better. One of the little girls at the household I am staying at has a hard time with conflict. I feel like she is easily misunderstood for she simply wants a little more attention when it comes to her needs. 

I am like her too. As a child, I resorted to crying to show that I needed a little extra support or attention. If you want attention as an adult crying isn't a bad idea people normally don't know how to handle it and there forward the world is yours. just saying 

FOOD
Becuase of all the time I've had, today I have been able to cook a few meals. Cooking has always been something I love doing to pass the time. I made cream of mushroom soup and it taste like childhood. As a child, my mother would heat up the canned kind and I simply remember really liking it. To be able to make a healthier version of it made my inner child so happy.

Saturday, March 14, 2020

where does this blog go now

I'm not sure where to take Simply Me from here. Over the last couple of days, I have redesigned it to be a place that will showcase the growth I intend on making in my early adult years but there is a yearning for a blog that is more professional too. I love that my blog has been a place for me to share every thought and experience that's been monumental to me but part of me wants to write posts that are more directed and that will generate traffic.

I'll admit that with age comes the need to be seen as a professional and to make an income doing the thing I am passionate about. That's what makes blogging hard for me. It's one of my favorite things to do but when explained to someone it is seen as a hobby for teens. I won't stop blogging because I still want to be an older lady in her 70's that runs an advice blog or something similar but it's difficult right now.

Success is on the mind of so many young adults right now. I think that the vast majority of us would give up a social life, put aside relationships, and walk away from adventure just to secure our future careers. It's saddening because we all should focus on doing what makes us happy in the moment but instead we are looking years into the future and choosing to struggle right now so that life will be easier later.

So that life will be better later.

Life doesn't get easier later. I've learned this through four years of a college education. Every term I would struggle to get passing grades in classes and towards the end of the term, one of the only phrases going through my mind was that next term would be better. When the term ended and the new one arrived I became hopeful that classes would be easier and that life wouldn't get in the way. However, every time I thought it would be better it only turned out to be more work.

I don't like the phrase it will be easier later.

This is a tangent I didn't intend on going on but here I am talking about how we shouldn't live preparing for life in the future but instead, we should be living the life we have right now.

I write all this thinking about how I could be successful in writing one of the most in-directional books there is for young adults. Here I am planning out ideas for things I can make an income off of.

This blog is home for all my mismatched thoughts that have to do with me growing as an individual. I see success in a couple of blizzard ways. I think I am successful because I have inspired others. I also feel like I am being successful when I am growing as a person. As long as this blog can be direct towards those two things I think I will be able to continue writing on it.

Blog Goals:
Reflect on growth while inspiring others to become inspired.

Thursday, February 27, 2020

i don't say goodbye to the stars

As soon as the sunroof window opened I couldn't take my eyes away from the stars. Keegan had opened the window to his car as we drove back from a small hometown bar where a couple of our friends were playing pool.

The stars reminded me of how surreal it is to be alive. We were once nothing then all of a sudden you and I were born into existence. Tell me how that isn't by chance! There are so many beings that are never going to exist, you and I are living. I can see the stars that once were nothing as they to must be born into the universe. 
              
On a clear night, the stars are so bright it seems like they are closer than they actually are. I was reminded that they are bigger in size than the moon and at that moment I realized each of those stars truly must be far away. Earlier that day I had welcomed a son back into a family after have had coming back from their two-year mission in Brazil. 

"Days like these are wholesome and heartwarming," I told my Keegan. 

He was quiet for a second, "Are you talking about today?" 

I nodded in the dark, "Yes."

The kinds of days were I am surrounded by people who love one another and are accepting of who I am are the kinds of days I want more of in my life. Happy days should make me happy but after the overwhelming amount of love that was shared, I needed to be held.

Talking to Keegan about how days when the sun is out or how loving families make me feel isn't hard to do but it doesn't come out easily. I am battling my thoughts in all those conversations. Don't say that. You'll sound depressed. Don't share. Try and see what happens probably nothing okay... When the thoughts come to a stop I speak words of meaning. 

I voice out loud into the earth that I am not okay. The past three weeks have been rocky and unpredictable. I have come close to losing people I love and myself. I have been irresponsible. I have done some things that make me tense when I think about it. I lost myself as I thought about the people that are no longer here with me. The past few weeks have reminded me of past trauma and created new trauma. They are going to think I am a mess...

I may not be okay but the stars still shine bright.

I may hurt now but I will smile in the little moments so that I can learn how to be the kind of person that others are inspired to be. 

I go inside with Keegan without saying goodbye to the stars. 

Instead, I thank them for being a light in a time of darkness.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Keegan and adventures

Keegan.

Here is what we've done together:

Ate dinner and played pool while talking to a regular at the bar. I didn’t have my ID on me so we stayed back from the bar area

Went to an indie pop club as well as a Great Dane DJ show

Made omelets at three am

Had a movie night with my sister, Joel, Lily, Rahmir, and him. We all stayed up too late. 

He watched one of my hip hop classes and said I was cute when I taught. 

Drove to newberg and back

Went to the mountains to snowboard

Had dinner with his family on Sunday around 4

Watched movies 

Worked out at the gym together

Went to a Chinese restaurant that played hip hop music then to a bar called Good Feet to drink a margarita and look at the art on the walls there

Stayed up late

Let his friend John and his family we played pool all together while I drank Spanish coffee. I was itching to dance so we went to a smaller club with a BOMb ass house based DJ. His name is DJ street. 

Jammed out everyplace we went in his beloved 4Runner 

Drove his family to the airport an hour drive

Attended mass with Daddy Dave. (Uhm inside joke.)

Went back to the mountains to board then to Keegan’s class

Slept lots of nights together. 

"I'm continuously mentally in a place that fosters growth, support, and love. It is not far from the physical attributes of home since locations haven't changed-- just the people around have. A sense of familiarity within the walls of a structure."
-Vanessa 
© Simply Me
Maira Gall