when home isn't home

Wednesday, December 25, 2019

Home hasn't felt like home since last summer.

Being home has been frustrating as fuck. When a home doesn't feel like home it's saddening. I find a home elsewhere and it makes me upset. The people who love me the most are at the home I struggle to call it home now. I am elsewhere trying to rely solely on the comfort I find within myself.

Finding comfort within yourself when you are anxious, hurting, and restless inside is a battle. I am more uncomfortable trying to find comfort than I am when I just let my soul be anywhere but home. Finding inner peace brings a feeling of home.

"Dear Santa, this Christmas I ask for peace. May it be brought to my family, friends, and passing of strangers. Love, Vanessa."

For Christmas, I want to find peace.

Inner peace is the only gift I need. It's found around the people you love and the ones who love you for who you are no matter where you are in this life.

This Christmas has been hard to swallow. Kind of reminds me of the vitamin I tried to swallow but coughed back up a few days ago. I know I need some kind of solid grounding but the kind that is written out to be that is not it.

I run from what doesn't feel like home and cave away into the darkness of my room, alone, trying to find inner comfort and peace this Holiday season.

Hoped this would have a happier ending but not all stories do.


Tuesday, December 17, 2019

(I have bangs now actually.) 

Here are some of the wonderful things happening in my life//

I'm going to be teaching 14 classes of dance in January- Bring me your children. I moved teaching  locations and the lady who I was working with before apparently spoke very highly of me. I am so honored to hear that. My face was smiley when my new employer told me that. I can't wait. Within the next weeks, I am going to come up with some very detailed lesson plans and progressions then share them with THPRD so they have some basic lesson plans.
I am making Dance CEUs- these are courses for trainers who need to keep their personal training certs active. I hope to educate dancers by my own experiences. 
I am going to university- You heard it here first! I am going to get my bachelors. I didn't think I'd end up here but I love education too much not to. Writing minor maybe?
I am healing- This takes time but I am so happy to have people who support me and my healing process. Teachers have given me time and understanding, friends have supported me, my family has been there for me, and I have shown up and kept trying. I have a little wind-down time and I am looking forward to that. 
Coffee. It's how I am collecting donations for the things I do. This season, if you have it in your heart and are able to consider buying me a coffee through this link.

Buy V a coffeeBuy V a coffee


Saturday, December 14, 2019

Life is a huge what the fuck... sometimes, okay, most the time!

i FOUND myself reconnecting with someone yesterday who I ADORED having in my life. He is a gentle and insightful soul. A SOUL who is BEAUTIFUL. We had been disconnected for a few months only to reconnect yesterday. I was nervous about reconnecting but it worked out. It felt okay, and safe to open up to that person like I had before.

We ended up spending more time than we had planned together. I was happy about it. As we were talking I found out that we went through similar grief. This person has been experiencing losing someone like I had. I felt understood some of their heartache.

"If you could reconnect with someone who was in your life that you miss or who had an impact in your life who would you pick?"

I would choose this person. They make me feel safe and understood which is how people should make you feel...

but the world is fucked.

So, when you find those kinds of gentle souls, keep them in your life. 

Welcome Back, Now F- OFF.

Saturday, December 7, 2019

I'm on a huge journey to find out what life is and what it's not about. I have a zero fucks attitude at the moment. Life should be lived to the fullest and to do that I know I need to give "no fucks."

A lot has happened in the last few months but there is one thing that brings me back to my little home and community on the interweb- losing someone. I lost someone I love. They were a huge part of my life considering I saw them in class every day and rode the bus to and back from class. I was always there for that person, yet he still took his own life. I know I did what I could. I inspired him to go to therapy, try writing, to talk to others, and keep doing what he loved.

The last time I had a serious conversation with him he told me he was doing great. He was doing so many things he loved and I know he felt like he had a place. When I found out he passed a little less than a week ago my heart dropped. My chest is tight as I write this too. I'm in shock and I miss him dearly.

I wanted to keep writing on this space becuase I shared this place with him and he always told me to do what felt right.

I'm going to write on my blog again with the purpose of spreading suicide awareness, sharing experiences, and spreading love.

I changed the blog name a little to Simply, Fuck off becuase I am growing up. I needed a name with a little bit of an edge to match my current and a new attitude. I've been doing a lot of what I know is best for me in honor of myself and the people who can't have that freedom.

I don't give a fuck what you have to say about me using this word(there is the only power in the word if you make it a huge deal.)

I don't give a fuck what you think. I'm doing what is best for me.

Welcome back friends! Kindly, unfollow if this doesn't sound like something you'll like. If you are staying around for this new chapter, let's get happy and give less fucks.

This is inspired by you C.

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