Thursday, November 29, 2018

some thoughts

Hello friend. Pick a topic and let me know what you think in the comments. Thanks for reading this somewhat ranty post.

PEOPLE WHO VANISH
I've known a fair amount of people who have been important in my life then walk right out of it with no explanation or goodbye and I am always left with so many questions about why.

These people were as significant to me as they could be and we had developed the kind of relationship that doesn't let you question whether if they'll stick around because there's no question that they will be around-- that is until they aren't. I wonder about these souls. Where they have gone? What happened? Why they left without saying goodbye?

I wonder if they couldn't say goodbye because it was too uncomfortable or maybe it was because I didn't mean as much as I thought I did to them. It's a giant circle of questions that spins in my head when it comes to these people. I miss the feelings they gave me when I was around them. I am heartbroken they left but part of me knows that it's just faith. Bright stars have to fade to let others shine, sometimes.

I still have so many questions for these people. If I were to talk to them again I'd ask all the questions I'd been asking myself.

AM I SELFISH// LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS 
The other day I asked myself why I haven't been in a serious relationship. A few reasons why but it ultimately came down to the fact I am selfish. I enjoy spending time on my own, I love my independence, space, being creative and being myself when no one's around. I am 100 percent me when it's just myself and I.

To care for another human takes effort. It takes commitment, will, responsibility. I can barely hang in there when it comes to friends. How am I supposed to let another human into my life? Let them love me and care for me. I can love and care for myself! (wow independence wow) I have school and I have limited time. 

Don't get me wrong I would love to grow a connection with someone and get married. The pressure to do that is everywhere all the time but now isn't the time. Even though my mother loves to joke about setting me up with one of her friend's sons, or the guy at church, I don't think she seriously wants that for me in my life right now. 

And I don't actually want that right now either. So why'd I start talking to someone I met recently who I know things aren't going to work out with? I don't know. Part of me needs to branch out to remind myself of all the reasons I can't start a relationship with someone. Part of me just wants a hug? Sure. 

It's a messy and complicated thing but I am a mess and I like myself so I am gonna love myself by being with myself. I'm dating myself. Can't hurt me that way, you wishful thinking vanishing souls.

SILVER LINING + ANXIETY 
There are so many negative experiences in life that you have to see the silver lining in them. Anxiety, for the longest time, has been the hardest thing for me to see the silver lining in. It's the thing that holds me back from doing what I want to do and it's the feeling that makes me want to hide. It limits me. It makes me feel like a whole different person and it's hard to see good in someone I am not comfortable being.

But, the other day on my ride back from class post-midterm week I saw the good anxiety had done for me. Anxiety had made me a responsible student/ It allowed me to stick to a schedule, study the things I was anxious about, and practice the presentations I biting my nails about. All the anxiety forced me to be a little more focused and study a little harder. The outcome of that was one I hadn't realized would happen until I took some tests, taught in front of the class, and wrote some essays. 

The good in anxiety was the focus and determination to not fail at the one thing I was in control of, school. And although I missed a few days because getting out of bed and into the world was hard I still managed to do alright. It's a little too early to say I succeeded in the term but I already feel like I won one battle. The one that's always in my head. 

So even though anxiety is a pain in the ass I guess I won't mind a little nudging me to get assignments and homework done now that I can see some advantage to it. 

ICE CREAM
It's never not in the freezer of my household. RIght now we have a lovely blend of rocky road that doesn't do badly as a hot cocoa topping. I just love ice cream. Now, no one is going to get fat off eating their favorite treat once in a while, so I say do it. Treat yourself.

Icecream is my comfort food. I'll admit that!! The people who leave out of nowhere, the anxiety, and my love relationship ship for relationships are all thought about while eating ice cream. 

Did you enjoy this post format?
What are your thoughts on these topics?
What's your guilty pleasure food?

© Simply Me
Maira Gall