some thoughts

Hello friend. Pick a topic and let me know what you think in the comments. Thanks for reading this somewhat ranty post.

PEOPLE WHO VANISH

I've known a fair amount of people who have been important in my life then walk right out of it with no explanation or goodbye and I am always left with so many questions about why.

These people were as significant to me as they could be and we had developed the kind of relationship that doesn't let you question whether if they'll stick around because there's no question that they will be around-- that is until they aren't. I wonder about these souls. Where they have gone? What happened? Why they left without saying goodbye?

I wonder if they couldn't say goodbye because it was too uncomfortable or maybe it was because I didn't mean as much as I thought I did to them. It's a giant circle of questions that spins in my head when it comes to these people. I miss the feelings they gave me when I was around them. I am heartbroken they left but part of me knows that it's just faith. Bright stars have to fade to let others shine, sometimes.

I still have so many questions for these people. If I were to talk to them again I'd ask all the questions I'd been asking myself.

AM I SELFISH// LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS 

The other day I asked myself why I haven't been in a serious relationship. A few reasons why but it ultimately came down to the fact I am selfish. I enjoy spending time on my own, I love my independence, space, being creative and being myself when no one's around. I am 100 percent me when it's just myself and I.

To care for another human takes effort. It takes commitment, will, responsibility. I can barely hang in there when it comes to friends. How am I supposed to let another human into my life? Let them love me and care for me. I can love and care for myself! (wow independence wow) I have school and I have limited time. 

Don't get me wrong I would love to grow a connection with someone and get married. The pressure to do that is everywhere all the time but now isn't the time. Even though my mother loves to joke about setting me up with one of her friend's sons, or the guy at church, I don't think she seriously wants that for me in my life right now. 

And I don't actually want that right now either. So why'd I start talking to someone I met recently who I know things aren't going to work out with? I don't know. Part of me needs to branch out to remind myself of all the reasons I can't start a relationship with someone. Part of me just wants a hug? Sure. 

It's a messy and complicated thing but I am a mess and I like myself so I am gonna love myself by being with myself. I'm dating myself. Can't hurt me that way, you wishful thinking vanishing souls.

SILVER LINING + ANXIETY 

There are so many negative experiences in life that you have to see the silver lining in them. Anxiety, for the longest time, has been the hardest thing for me to see the silver lining in. It's the thing that holds me back from doing what I want to do and it's the feeling that makes me want to hide. It limits me. It makes me feel like a whole different person and it's hard to see good in someone I am not comfortable being.

But, the other day on my ride back from class post-midterm week I saw the good anxiety had done for me. Anxiety had made me a responsible student/ It allowed me to stick to a schedule, study the things I was anxious about, and practice the presentations I biting my nails about. All the anxiety forced me to be a little more focused and study a little harder. The outcome of that was one I hadn't realized would happen until I took some tests, taught in front of the class, and wrote some essays. 

The good in anxiety was the focus and determination to not fail at the one thing I was in control of, school. And although I missed a few days because getting out of bed and into the world was hard I still managed to do alright. It's a little too early to say I succeeded in the term but I already feel like I won one battle. The one that's always in my head. 

So even though anxiety is a pain in the ass I guess I won't mind a little nudging me to get assignments and homework done now that I can see some advantage to it. 

ICE CREAM

It's never not in the freezer of my household. RIght now we have a lovely blend of rocky road that doesn't do badly as a hot cocoa topping. I just love ice cream. Now, no one is going to get fat off eating their favorite treat once in a while, so I say do it. Treat yourself.

Icecream is my comfort food. I'll admit that!! The people who leave out of nowhere, the anxiety, and my love relationship ship for relationships are all thought about while eating ice cream. 

Did you enjoy this post format?

What are your thoughts on these topics?

What's your guilty pleasure food?

can't sleep? me too- i'm an infj

Is falling asleep difficult for anyone else because recently it's been has been a chore for me.

Falling asleep shouldn't be a difficult thing to do but sometimes I have nights where I am tossing and turning because of my mind being wide awake with thoughts. Those kinds of nights are annoying! A night like that isn't a problem once and a while but when I start to notice having troubles falling asleep night after night, I dread bedtime.

I wonder how do INFJs sleep

INFJs are known to be heavy thinkers and highly productive people. Lot's of INFJs view sleep as a waste of time. Thus, they put off sleep because they want more time in their day but in my experience, one can't be as productive as one wishes if they don't get at least some sleep.

Shutting off my thoughts, as an INFJ, is virtually impossible. Meditation is intimidating and sleep can be just as dawning. Times at which my mind is alone to thought can be intense. Emotions start to bubble up to the surface, all the uncomfortable situations I've been in replay in my mind, and the worries in my mind become mini screenplays.

O.O This isn't fair!!

Unlike normal human beings who seem to fall asleep within seconds, I am awake for what feels like forrrreveerrr. Talk about bedtime anxiety. Bedtime anxiety explained: being anxious about going to bed. That might be a little dramatic...

But, I've figured out how to get myself asleep!

I'm not talking about what one should do before bed like eating no sugar, or food, reading, getting off your phone an hour before bed, hot teas, and magic potions. Those things are fine but I don't think they help the mind wandering/staying up with your thoughts all night problem. I'm talking about when you head on the pillow, your lights are off, and you're getting into a comfortable position to sleep or if you're like me think.

Here's what I've been finding works for me. When my heads on the pillow and I find myself wandering through my thoughts I consciously redirect my thoughts. 

Redirecting my thoughts means that I am actively changing the conversation in my mind to something I want to think about.  Preferably something that doesn't cause anxiety. When I catch myself thinking about that awkward time or wondering what like tomorrow will look like I stop myself and redirect my thoughts.

I actively think about a made up scenario or a happy memory. This means that for a while I am thinking about what is happening in my happy scene. Thinking things like I am walking to the room and I see someone who makes me happy, they are smiling, and I walk to them... My INFJ thoughts will sometimes come back into my mind while I am thinking about a happy scene so I once again redirect to the happy scene.

TO RECAP: Things that keep you up, redirect your thoughts and think about the happy scene, intrusive thoughts, back to the happy scene, repeat. Until you fall asleep.

It may sound like a lot of work but once your body gets tired you'll end up dreaming instead of thinking about that happy scene.

Do you have trouble falling asleep?

What kinds of things do you do to sleep once your heads on the pillow?

get to know V

I've come to the conclusion that if I open up blogger I will come up with a post idea and eventually write something worth sharing.

Hi. That's me. I have a tendency to want to update my about page consistently because day after day I feel like a different person. I can't put myself in a cage and say these are the things that define me and will forever define who I am. I am always growing and changing.

Every once in a while I like to answer some about me questions to see where I stand. So that in the future I can see if I changed. 

1// ARE MY ACTIONS GUIDED BY LOVE OR FEAR?
Fear. There are phases in my life when I am brave and act off the love I have for something to pursue it but right now I am avoiding doing certain things because I fear what might happen if I do it. When anxiety kicks in, which it has for me, it is easier to hold back from doing something I want to do.

2//WHAT DO I THINK ABOUT WHEN I AM ALONE?
So. Many. Things. I always have irrelevant and unrecallable conversations with myself. I wish I could remember more of those conversations. I also tend to daydream and replay events that happened in my head. What can I say? I daydream a lot.

3//WHAT MOVIE MADE ME CRY THE MOST?
Me Before You. I cried like a baby the last 15 minutes of the movie. I mean come on William and Louisa were perfect for each other and the letter William leaves for Lousia drowned me in tears.

4//WHAT ARE THE BEST AND WORST PARTS OF MY PERSONALITY?
The best thing: I can be a sweetheart when you get to know me and are on my good side :P Worst thing: I say no a lot. I can be really stubborn so if I don't want to do something I'll make up a million excuses or sometimes I'll just leave it at cold unexplained no.

5// HOW WOULD MY PERFECT PARTNER TREAT ME?
With respect. I want someone to understand that I am human and they'll have to be patient. It's always so difficult for me to come up with the ideal traits of a potential partner because I feel the need to be open-minded about what this person needs to be.

6// WHAT TIMES AM I MOST INSPIRED?
In the morning! I found this out at the beginning of 2018 that I do my best work in the morning. After a good nights sleep and some breakfast, I am normally so ready to get to work and do productive things.

7// IF I DIDN'T KNOW HOW OLD I WAS WHAT WOULD I ASSUME?
17. I pretend to act mature but we all know I don't know what the heck I am doing. This is coming from someone who's 21. Growing up is hard! The phrase,"We are all children, pretending to be adults," is the story of my life.

8// WHEN DO I FEEL THE MOST LIKE MYSELF?
When I am dancing. I feel carefree, light, strong, dorky, and alive when it's just me and the music. I love freestyle dancing because it takes me away from any stress life might be giving me. This has to be by myself alone in a room kind of dancing though

9// WHAT DOES LOVE FEEL LIKE?
A dream. Dreams are indescribable and so is love.

10// WHAT GOOD COMES FROM PAIN?
I think pain inspires a lot of wonderful art. I like to turn my pain into something beautiful. Poems and words are my favorite way to express the emotions I am feeling. How many extraordinary words are inspired by dark feels? Many!!

11// WHAT IS WORST, FAILING OR NEVER TRYING?
Never trying. I can live with the fact that I failed at something but what kills me is knowing I could have tried to do something but didn't. Those are the kind of things that leave me wondering what would have happened if I tried for days.

sunshine sadness

she is like the clouds you see overhead

grey and white

threatening to spill rain

sadness is what the sunshine brings the sky

all the clouds she settles in- gone

herself, gone as well

for if she is like the clouds on a rainy day 

when the sky is clean and pale

she is gone along with them

her soul numb to her emotions when the sky is cloudless

like the atmosphere that shows nothing when it's blue

the sunshine allows no impassioned clouds

no sparkling whites and no mute greys

she can't feel anything on a sunshine day

she's paralyzed along with the sky

her problems as invisible as the clouds

her feelings as hollow as the blue

her thoughts as superficial as the beams

the sunshine burning away the weight she once embraced and accepted

pretending she has no problems

she's less herself when the sunshine is out than 

when the clouds are overhead pouring rain

because when the clouds are out she recognizes that she is as complex as the world.