Thursday, August 17, 2017

Coffee Guy

Coffee trickled down the floor of the bus. It moved in rhythm with the speed the bus was going as it drenched the bottom of my bag with bittersweet goodness. Peacefully my seat mate slept through the whole ride and only noticed his coffee intoxicated bag when he got off.

We exchanged glances and as he was about to pull his eyes away from me I kept those eyes on me, "Did you get coffee spilled on your bag too?"
"I did, you probably have more of it on your bag than I do." He said as he took a headphone out.
Looking at the bottom of his bag and mine I said, "I'm sure I do."

I watched his zombie-like figure walk to the cafeteria to hunt down breakfast. He sat down as I grabbed napkins from the cafe to clean the mess off my bag and I saw him out of the corner of my eyes. He sat down, put a headphone back in, and ate at 8:37 in the morning. I walked away wishing I could convince myself to walk back to him and say hello.

There was a reason I didn't walk back and say hello.

I saw him leaning against the window of the train. Scruffy, no hoodie, headphones, a familiar face. I smile twitched on my face when I saw his broken and beat up phone in his hand, it was him. It was him. I had seen him 3 times on the bus/train. This was my chance.

He got off at a stop that wasn't mine but I found myself walking off the train with him. I followed him to where I thought the bus was. When he turned around we made eye contact and I walked up to him.

"You go to my school, right?" I asked.
"Yeah." He said sleepily. 
"Weren't you on the bus when the coffee incident happened?"
He looked confused, "I drink coffee... yes?"
I laughed at the early morning confusion, "No I mean you were sitting next to me when the girl behind us spilled coffee over the floor? That's how I know you I think?" I knew that was how.
A spark flew to his brain, "Oh! That's right. It got all over!"

We shared a few laughs in the light of early day as we touched a few get-to-know-you subjects. Before I knew it I had obtained his number. Name Coffee. He put his first name and coffee as the last in my phone. Coffee because that is how I know him. As of now.

One day, I saw him sitting with his laptop at school. When I sat down next to him he closed his laptop and moved to face me. Taken back by the attention, I smiled tensely. We talked until his bus arrived and when it came he got up said his goodbyes. A gentle two squeezes on my shoulder telling me he will see me later.

How I miss those hazel eyes and soft touch of yours.


This is a small true story that I found in my drafts that was yelling at me to post it. For those of you wondering, yes, this is a true story. I fell in love with the story of how I met this person. It was the most romantic story I have ever been a part of. Even though things didn't work out with Coffee and I I learned a lot through the experience and got writing inspiration from something as bittersweet as coffee. For that, I will be forever thankful!

Coffee, dark chocolate and life are three bittersweet things that I love.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Forget The Boys

Start a Relationship with Yourself! Did you know that being in a relationship can be much more rewarding than being in a relationship with someone else? There are so many reasons that being in a relationship with yourself is the ultimate way to go! But how does one start a relationship with themselves? To put it simply you have to start treating yourself better. This means paying attention to yourself as well as being more positive towards who you are. Like every relationship, you will have struggles but you will make it out stronger than before!

The first thing I had to do when I started a relationship with myself is forget about the men.* I was so obsessed with finding the one a few months ago that I forgot I could make myself happier than anyone could ever make me. I pushed aside the fantasies and started focusing more on how I can make myself happy. Of course, I still go around looking at pretty boys but I am not obsessive with my romantic fantasies. I advise anyone who is starting a relationship with themselves to put all eyes on themselves. 

If guys ask if I am an available date candidate I simply say no. I'm not single because I am in a relationship with myself. Once you feel confident about being in a relationship with yourself and the concept isn't as bizarre to you go ahead and tell people you're in a relationship with yourself. This line sounds very sophisticated. 
*or guys or boys. I feel like there is a huge difference between boys, guys, and men. However, they are all pretty dumb at times. Let's be honest girls!

You are now dating yourself. So treat yourself well and go on some dates! Going on dates with yourself is an essential element to growing in a relationship with yourself. Just like going on dates with other people help you to get to know the other person better, going on dates with yourself will help you get familiar with yourself. If you commit to learning about yourself while on these dates.

At first, it might be a little weird to go to a coffee shop with yourself and call it a date but I can promise you it will become less and less awkward as you start to do this more often. You can go to the park, on a walk, to lunch, or to coffee and call it a date! As long as you are having fun being with yourself, you're all good!

Now that you have devoted your time and attention to yourself start accepting who you are as a person. accepting yourself is all about being comfortable with yourself. This is done by spending time with yourself.

If you are feeling unmotivated there are lots of cute little pins on Pinterest about self-love. This is a super cute way to be inspired and motivated to love who you are. You can check out the board I started HERE.

Just like you would in any kind of relationship you need to give out compliments! I like to compliment myself on things I have done well and things I like about myself. If you are as dorky as I am you can leave cute little messages and notes that remind you of how wonderful you are around the house or your room! What is important to remember is that you are worthy of compliments. Give them out to yourself just like you would to an individual you like, remember this is all about you and learning to love who you are!

Example compliments to give yourself: You're a brilliantly talented cutie! That outfit you are wearing is super cute! You're so smart! I love the way you think! I like who you are as a person!

Falling in love with yourself can be just as hard as falling in love with someone else. It takes time and patients. Loving yourself is one of the biggest challenges you will ever come across but once you learn to love yourself you will never go back. Give yourself compliments and start to accept who you are as a person. Loving yourself is a huge part of being in a relationship with yourself. When you love yourself in a relationship you can grow more.

I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed being in a relationship with myself. There is something so freeing about it that I really love and I have also become more confident in who I am as a person because of my journey. To anyone who is thinking about growing in their relationship with themselves, go for it. You won't regret trying it out. Give yourself a chance just like I have!

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Hood River OR

Thursday, August 3, 2017

103 Degrees

It has been so heated in Oregon that my skin is oozing with sweat. My body becomes sticky as sweat melts out of my pores. One touch of the sun's rays and my body instantly seeps out liquid stress in an attempt to cool off. The creases of my body pool with wetness. Dark places become wet, my body starts to feel like it's melting, and standing in the sun becomes too intoxicating. I run to the shade. For a second I sit there drenched in my own defense mechanism. 

Hiding from the sun has its own problems. My sweat drenched skin becomes a desert made of salt. As the pools of sweat evaporate into the air, grains of salt are left behind. What was wet is now sticky and what became sticky will soon become grainy that is until my body gets too warm again. Then it happens all over again but this time sweat sinks into salt kissed skin.

The temperature in the little city of Portland has been worst than normal. Stepping outside of the house is like stepping into a plastic bag that was left in the sun. My nose filters the smoky air as my body attempts to settle into the heat. Settling is impossible since 103 degrees is not what anyone who was raised in the pacific north west is used to. 

I feel like an astronaut that has just landed on the earth after a very long trip in space. Taking steps is hard and slow. Gravity works against my body. The sunlight blinds my eyes as well. As I imagine the astronauts might have problems adjusting to the brightness after being left in the darkness for so long, so do I. Everytime I step outside I feel heavy and tired. I am unwilling to move in this heat.

Heat like this is unbearable. So I hide in a room with the blinds shut, the doors and windows sealed, and the fans on full blast. I am hiding from something so unfamiliar to me, the heat.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

I Was Not Myself

There's a part of my life I have been dwelling on recently. It's the part of my life that I had no control over. My body was taken by the drugs the doctors gave me that were supposed to help me but instead they made my life a complicated mess. Those drugs took over my mind and they made me do, think, and say things I would have never said if I wasn't under the influence of the drug that the doctors guided me to take.

My body was directed by medication that didn't sit well with me. I started to say hurtful things to the people I loved. I started saying nonsense to people I thought I loved. I cared about the wrong people. I hurt people around me. I went places I shouldn't have gone and I stepped over walls of safety. I did all these things that make me shiver when I think about them.

I am ashamed of the things I did when I wasn't in control. How could I not have been in control if I felt in control at the moment? How was it not me making choices? How?

As I found out later the things I did when I thought I was myself were influenced by a medication that drove my mind insane. I was me but I wasn't myself. I did things that weren't things the sane me would have done. I keep hoping that thinking about the fact that I had no control over what I did will make things better but guilt drowns me like an ocean would if you couldn't swim.

The hardest thing for me to remember is that I wasn't myself when I did the things I did. I want the memories of the things I did to vanish but no matter how hard I try to rub these memories away I can't. It's like trying to erase a pen mark with an eraser that is made for only fixing the mistakes of a pencil. The lines will fade ever so slightly, but will always be noticeable. The memories in my head are the lines written in pen that I can't erase. The only thing I can do is draw a more beautiful story out of a broken line but drawing that story won't be simple.

My mind has no off switch. It won't let my worries rest. It plays the same few memories like a broken record. Again and again, and if that's not enough once more. The only day dreams I have are nightmares of the past. I fall asleep to things I wish never happen and I dream of all the what if's as if I still had a chance to change things.

I can't change the past. I can only wish it was different. Understanding everything that happened isn't my fault is one of the biggest challenges of recovery. Trying to mend a hurt soul isn't easy. My soul is like a broken bone. It is fragile as it lays in a cast and tries to heal its self. My soul hopes that it won't get pushed again so it puts up barriers in defense. Like a bone takes time to heal so will my soul.

Slowly the tender memories and shame and guilt will fade. The pain will diminish as I start to get into the right mindset. Eventually, the shame will disappear and the guilt will no longer be there as I start to accept that what happened was not my fault.

I was not myself.

Friday, July 21, 2017

How to renew your vows to complete your goals this 2017

What are your 2017 goals? If you are anything like I am, at around this time of the year your goals start to slip away from you. Where as you were super motivated to get shit done in the beginning of the year now you are saying "oh whatever, I'll do it later" SHIT DOESN'T GET DONE ON IT'S OWN.* There isn't a later for accomplishing your goals. The time is now. You've got to re-motivate yourself around this time of year!
*excuse my language while I try to get my point across

This is the place to start. I know it may seem kind of silly to find out what your goals were but sometimes we forget, we are human after all! You might have also made a list of goals and perhaps forgot the tiny goals you set for yourself. Go back into your blog or journal and find where you wrote down your goals for 2017. Read that entry out loud and remind yourself of what you wanted to accomplish this year. 

My goals for this year were simple. I never announced them because I feel as if goals aren't just for the beginning of the year but for whenever the time is right. In 2017 I wanted to get my side splits as well as start a stronger relationship with myself. One where I would work on loving myself and keep my mind solely focused on what I needed. As for the blogging world, I had a goal to share my journey of self-love with everyone as well as grow my audience. 

Depending on what type of goals you might have you might want to modify the goal so that you can successfully accomplish the goal at the end of the year. Let me say one thing really quickly, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH RE-WORKING YOUR GOAL SO THAT THEY ARE MORE MANAGEABLE. It might not be the same goal you started with but by accepting that you might need to re-work it you are allowing yourself to try again with more power and strength. Re-working your goals will make getting them done less scary and more manageable. 

I am guilty of removing the notes in my room that reminded me to stretch and love myself within the last couple of month. I got really unmotivated to work towards my goals. I got so unmotivated I threw my goals into a basket full of BS and said I'LL DO IT LATER* 

We can't do that anymore though! IT'S THE MIDDLE OF JULY! What we need to do is to write down our goals AGAIN somewhere where we can see them shout at us and tell us to get shit done.** Spend some time (after you have re-worked your goals) making pretty posters or cute notes of what you need to get done. Find a way to remind yourself of your 2017 goals daily.
*later happens the last few months of the year! It's awful but I procrastinate like crazy!
**AGAIN I apologize but I'm trying to get my point across to myself and unfortunately, this is the only way that might work. 

Motivation and inspiration are KEY! If you don't have the motivation to accomplish your goals you won't find or go looking for the inspiration and if you don't find or go looking for the inspiration you won't feel motivated. It works both ways, my friends.

In order to find motivation and inspiration, you need to do some hunting. Find your muse and find something that works wonders when it comes to feeling inspired. You might have done something like this in the begging of the year and now it's time to do it again! Make a Pinterest board, find some youtube videos about the goal you have, talk to some friends about your plans, or maybe just talk to yourself. Whatever it may be that will get you through the end of the year, DO IT!

Like you did in the beginning of the year write a post about your goals AGAIN. I know it might seem unnecessary but if you wrote on in the beginning on the year you might want to consider writing one again, now. Recapping your goals in the middle of the year will give you the same feelings and motivation it did in the beginning of the year.

Now that you have re-worked your goals, found inspiration, made notes, and re-announced your goals there is only one thing left to do, WORK HARD. You are the only person who can help yourself with those goals, so give it your all. 

You've got all the tools you need to accomplish those goals! Now, all you need to do is keep working towards your 2017 goals until 2018. I know that sounds a lot easier than it actually is but accomplishing your goals will make all the work worth it! You can do this!**
*Wow it feels weird to type 2018 AHHH we have about five months of the year left?! What is this?
**...if not there is always next year ;)

Saturday, July 15, 2017


She cried about her stress
mad at the moon
happy for the stars
crying to the sun.

Lost In Orbit.
Flying like a butterfly
being like a rose
walls up as she went from
flower to flower
from topic to topic

peace in something far away
from her roots
little one helped

by her, and others
will come out strong

Little Girl Lost
no longer lost
guided, found, hopefully
and pleased because she is
that butterfly
wandering ever so gentle.

I've walked along my blood
I have learned, grown, and become.
However, influenced by the nouns. 
They have driven me, taken my mind, and shifted my views.
My blood is not pure. I'm different.

I want to walk backwards. 
Take back, recollect, redefine me. 
Take off the mask and show what I thought I couldn't.
I must bare judgment for I will be stripped.
The only way is to move forward is to be 
cautious of the backwards steps.

Did you know, you inspired me to write?
Did you know, you made my day better?
You made me laugh, you made me smile.
I was lonely until you came and trusted
that I wouldn't hurt you. Three feet away.
Whom would have thought we'd be friends?

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