PHONE CALL DISCONNECT {DEEPER WORDS}

Thursday, February 7, 2019

21:16

The phone line was dead for 47 seconds after we had shared how our days were. It left me with wonder. 47 seconds to imagine about where you had gone, what you had been contemplating, and what you were obtaining instead of talking to me. I remained in the silence of the connected unconnected call. "Hello? Are you there?"  I kept saying those words hearing emptiness in reply. Every second that went by passed like they do when I stand outside in numbing temperatures anticipating the bus. I wondered if you'd drop the call altogether or stay on the line to pick up eventually.  

Staying on the call wasn't easy. There were so many times where I thought I would be better off if I gave up and disconnected the last bits of connection we had. It would have had been easier to stop wondering when you'd pick up and start new with someone else. However, I couldn't tolerate the thought of putting the energy in for another call that could misconnect when I could merely try a little longer to keep the connection we had going. 

I lost some and won some by staying on the line that night. I lost more hope with every second father from the one we were last talking at. I lost sanity with every "Hello, are you there?" I lost little bits of myself while I thought about you. 

I too obtained something within myself. I won a new creative spark- one that was allured by the darkness within the night I waited for what felt like minutes. I increased knowledge about how to handle the situation and I attained back the connection that we once lost when I heard, "Thank you, for staying on the line that long, I'm glad you did."

That made waiting okay becuase I fucking missed you.

FEBRUARY FIRST

Saturday, February 2, 2019


I document a lot of my first's on my blog. It's where I feel the most comfortable putting words into the universe. Making actions into words and words into wisdom is one of my favorite things to do. I haven't stopped blogging. I said I would, but I didn't. Blogging is too dear to me to put on the backburner.

February first was too wonderful to write about one the day of. It started off in Burning Youths group chat, talking about our weekends and throwing glitter in the forest. (I am in love with the idea) I went to an optional lab at college, then went to lift weights. Once home, I ate, talked to my mother, cleaned, then head out to see my friend Zulu for coffee.


Zulu is a new addition to my inner circle of friends. She is a darling. Her company is like a coffee with cream and sugar. She's sweet but also has a kick to her, as coffee does. I've learned a lot from her. Her insight on life, family, and school inspires me to do better and be better. Friday have been our days for the last five weeks. I've seen her four of those weeks.

This girl is the sunshine in the clouds.

She's a poem.

After seeing her, I went to the gym and met a friend, Z. He happens to be a companion. I care about him like I care about my sister and am as comfortable around him as I have been with anyone recently. He is special to me and also a new addition in the inner circle. He has welcomed me into his life and reassured me that he isn't going anywhere, he makes me feel safe, and cares for me like no other guy has.


He is a caretaker to the world. Spending time helping others who need it. All I want is for him to know I will try to care for him like he cares for others. Since Tuesday I've been jealous of the older adults in a memory care unit that spends their days being taken care by him. He's a significant other in my life.

These two people had made February first a day to remember. Zulu gives me her endless love and support and Zeph gives me care and comfort. My two Zs. These people have changed me for the better and have helped me in life. If I needed anything coming to them would be okay. February first
is the day I realized that they aren't going anywhere. They will be in my life for a long while. They will and I don't have to worry about not getting help, or them leaving my side.

For this is a feeling that doesn't come often. I am blessed and thankful for two very amazing humans to be in my life.
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