brilliance is in me but I'm sad

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

"I am here tell you that you can do this and that I believe in you because I KNOW you can do it. I see the potential you have. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think you'd be great."

And he left after I had thanked him.

I went back to the front desk with the tear-stained cheeks he saw but didn't acknowledge. The tears fell as I tried to hold myself all alone. I was shaking, I couldn't handle it. I wanted so much better for myself but this is what I got.

So I left the tears to leak out of my eyes. I didn't care who saw the sadness in my eyes becuase crying was a step towards getting better. I was relieved to finally be letting go of all the bottled up emotions that were in me.

I felt so many things at that moment. More than sadness and disappointment in myself. I was hopeful and hurt, peaceful but enraged, and moved but still. I felt it all.

"You need to have a friend you can text or call at any time when you need something. Those are the friends that got me thorugh college. You are brilliant and you can get through this"

I thanked the blue eyes who told me that.

I thanked myself for being able to embrace emotions that scare me.

I'll be okay.

Purging Soul

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Last night I heard a sound that sent me into a panic 
the sound that plays overhead when the purge is happening 
the purge happened in my the deapth of my soul.

Purge: Rid of something or someone unwanted quality, condition, or feeling.


Thursday, February 21, 2019

>>>>C L I C K   H E R E


Thursday, February 7, 2019


The phone line was dead for 47 seconds after we had shared how our days were. It left me with wonder. 47 seconds to imagine about where you had gone, what you had been contemplating, and what you were obtaining instead of talking to me. I remained in the silence of the connected unconnected call. "Hello? Are you there?"  I kept saying those words hearing emptiness in reply. Every second that went by passed like they do when I stand outside in numbing temperatures anticipating the bus. I wondered if you'd drop the call altogether or stay on the line to pick up eventually.  

Staying on the call wasn't easy. There were so many times where I thought I would be better off if I gave up and disconnected the last bits of connection we had. It would have had been easier to stop wondering when you'd pick up and start new with someone else. However, I couldn't tolerate the thought of putting the energy in for another call that could misconnect when I could merely try a little longer to keep the connection we had going. 

I lost some and won some by staying on the line that night. I lost more hope with every second father from the one we were last talking at. I lost sanity with every "Hello, are you there?" I lost little bits of myself while I thought about you. 

I too obtained something within myself. I won a new creative spark- one that was allured by the darkness within the night I waited for what felt like minutes. I increased knowledge about how to handle the situation and I attained back the connection that we once lost when I heard, "Thank you, for staying on the line that long, I'm glad you did."

That made waiting okay becuase I fucking missed you.
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