READ IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Dear universe,

Why are you challenging me? Pushing me? Testing my limits? Asking more of me? Where is it you want me to get in the end? Where are we going? I hope it’s something wonderful. I feel like I deserve something wonderful.

I’ve never written something to read out loud all my writing is for me. It’s for others to learn from, it’s for others to think about. I want to inspire others to move forward but how can I do that when I feel like a burning fire? I’ve sat in the fire, crusting for too long.

I’ve never been 100 percent honest with someone about everything in my life but I know it’s time. I want to grow, I do. I know it’s hard to do, takes time, but if I put myself out there in the safest of spaces maybe I will teach someone something or better yet, learn about myself. I want to know there’s a chance for me to be better than I am right now.

Right now I am someone who is friendly, approachable, helpful, and kind. I have been those things at my worst times. In the summer of 2017 when I had drug-induced mania I kept those core values running through my veins in the hallways of the mental ward. I talked to the broken with hope and the soul dying with dignity. It was the most memorable time in my life. Being in a situation like that changed who I am in a good way. I know it helped me grow. As uncomfortable as I was sleeping on a plastic bed or in the hallways of the ward where the angels watched over me I knew deep within I would get through it. I would come out better than I came in.

And I did.

My last therapist told me that I am a caregiver. I never thought about myself like that but it made sense to me. She told me I put family first, that I am strong, kind, and a wonderful human. She also told me I needed to work on being assertive, more opinionated, and open to doing things on my own. She was not wrong. She helped me through life.

With a little push, I found out I wanted to enroll in the exercise science program at PCC. Spring term I changed schools and worked my butt off until I felt like there was too much going on in my life to go on.  At one point I got so overwhelmed trying to deal with a social life and school and family that I dropped anatomy and intro to fit tech careers. This was because I needed to focus on me. It wasn’t easy to fail but sometimes the first attempt at learning doesn’t work.

In fall, depression, anxiety, and I passed all my classes with an A. The same happened in Summer. I proved to myself that I can do it. No matter what happens to my mental state I will not let it fuck up school. I will not let it mess up where I want to go. School is a stepping stone in my journey.

I am here because I do not feel okay. I am scared of taking steps forward but then falling back into depression again. I have anxiety colored butterflies in my tummy worrying me about becoming panic. I had a panic attack on the bus last Thursday. That was the tipping point. Tipping Thursday.

I know I am strong. I value myself. I am loved and cared for and I am enough.

I am Vanessa, some call me V.

Simple and sweet.
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You are loved. You are not alone. You have others and God. Trust me I will be okay and so will you, have faith. Everything will be okay. Email me if you want or need to talk
-vanessa

12 comments

  1. I think I'm in a similar head space right now. Hope you feel better soon.
    Will be praying for you. Your honesty is inspiring, just sharing stuff like this shows how strong you are. <3

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    1. I appreciate you so much. ♡ ALL THESE WORDS MEAN THE WORLD TO ME

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  2. This was incredible. Your resilience & strength are amazing. Said a prayer for you, hoping you feel much better as the days go by xx

    twinklexthoughts.blogspot.com

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  3. Thanks for the openness. I am impressed with how much you mentally deal with yet you keep fighting, and are openly empathic. Keep fighting V! Don't give up. Struggling myself, with shame of going back to a place I didn't need to be.

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    1. Evan. Your support over the years has meant the world to me.

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  4. Oh, thank you for sharing. You're so strong, V! Keep it up! I'll pray for you <3

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  5. wow oh wow... this. your journey, though hard, is so inspiring. thank you for sharing and encouraging and being so amazing. <3

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    1. Thank you for supporting. I appreciate you.

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Every one of your comments makes me smile. Thank you for your support and love! It's truly appreciated, my friend!

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