300 Writing Prompts with V

Monday, July 15, 2019

20:01
If you had to give a character a really, really unusual name, what would you choose and what would it show about their personality?
Ah, unusual names! My mind is going blank. Tabitha.

She'd be a quirky female character with a kick of spice in her soul. In the book, she'd come off as a girl who'd get in your face when she didn't agree. "Oh, that's Tabitha! Yes, Yes, she is indeed picking flowers off the mayor's lawn and scattering the petals on his deck in an X shape." She'd be sweet if you got past her shell.

What would you like to put in storage?
There's a couch with brown handles and yellow, green, and blue patterns in the corner of my room that I'd love to put away. See, no one sits in it. It got moved to my room becuase we didn't have enough room for the Christmas tree last year but it never got put back down when the tree got put away. The couch sits alone in my room.

However, storage is a wild concept. Ideally, one would come back to something they'd put there in hopes of reminiscing. I have no emotional tie to this couch. It needs to be donated. 

Does writing change you? How does writing make you a better person?
I think writing solidifies me. It makes the fuzzy in my mind clear and the forming ideas form. I don't think that it changes me. If it were to change me, everything I wrote would be different and I'd be lost. Becuase writing helps me understand who I am, it helps me become a better person by acknowledgment. 

This also means that when I am in an identity crisis I steer away from writing knowing that the truth lies in words.

Write a one- minute "Thank You" note to someone.
Dear, someone I will not name,
Thank you for coming back into my life. I didn't know how much I'd missed you until you came back. I thought I did but that-

What is the best piece of advice you have ever been given?
To watch it like the ocean waves. To observe it moving and notice the patterns. Not to jump into it becuase the cold water of the Pacific ocean will make one do things you didn't think it could. 

it- being anxiety attacks. 
20:32

I can hold my blog now

Monday, July 1, 2019


MY BLOG IS IN A BINDER NOW//
Like many bloggers, I had the fear of Blogger being shut down randomly and losing all the posts I had written since I was 15. So, in the Fall of 2018, I put all my posts into a word document, reformated it, and those pages sat there until I decided to print all 238 pages of my blog. Recently, I printed those pages, hole punched them and put them into a binder. 

Over the past few days, I have been reading the posts which I can now hold and see on paper! It's been a very nostalgic journey reading posts I haven't dared to think about from my 15-year-old self. I thought I would take this opportunity to share some of my feelings and thoughts on the manner.

BLOGGING HISTORY//

THOUGHTS//
As I've been reading old posts the one thought that keeps coming into my mind is that I was a story in the making. There are posts where I am talking about where I would be in five years from when I was 17 and although 70% of what I thought I would be doing is wrong I still got some of it right. The younger writer in me was a draft. Looking back at these posts, I see a version of myself who knew what she loved and was developing thoughts but still didn't have a realistic understanding of the world or herself.

I feel so much as I read through the first few years of posts. Laughs coming from me as I read about what high school was like, what I did in summer, what thoughts I had, and where I dreamed of being. I didn't think I was a naive teen until now but there is also a gentleness towards that 15-year-old becuase she had so much hope. 

From freshman year to senior year, posts develope from short, "Hello, here is what's happening," posts to, "This is what I think and feel." The change is evident as posts become longer. The naive teen slips away a little bit at a time when asked where I see myself in a few years is answered more simplisticly. The blogging community also became more united as I found girls like myself who wanted to share words with each other.

The last two years of college are something I laugh at through what I blogged. One of my very first posts about college is about how I had left signing up for classes until the very last minute. I later then remark months after that I did the very same thing. Silly, college student. The conversations with the people I had at college changed my thoughts too. I blogged a lot about the people I met there. I was always in shock that these people weren't complete assholes. Go figure that people who aren't stuck together for four years in high school with raging hormones aren't complete meanies.

Today, I read old blog posts in my blog binder. I may not have written a book but I wrote a blog and that is something I am proud of. My heart is content knowing that I have grown so much in thoughts and words.


SNIPPETS//
"Currently I'm sitting here at Great Wolf with a bunch and I mean a freaking large amount of children." -2014, Great Wolf

"I'm so bored right now. The family is asleep and I can't do much but lay here in bed and pray that I, Vanessa, will find something to do in the middle of the night." -2014, Can't Sleep

"What I am saying is that instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future we should focus on what is happening right now." 2015, Focusing On The Moment

"What motivates me the most to write is the fact that I want to be able to look back on what I have done and experienced in my teenage life." 2015, Why I blog

"Sleeping in the car is always difficult. The noise, being bumped around, and sunlight kissing your eyeballs when all you want is a dark calm space to drift off." 2015, A Week I Won't Forget

"I wonder if any of you have this problem that when you spend so long alone doing whatever you want that when you have to interact with people again you question how you'll be able to survive that." 2016, Mini Rants

"Looking into my future is like looking through the fog, most of it is unclear, but if you look closely you can make out a few things." 2016, 100 Followers

"All today, becuase of yesterday's mistake I was looking through classes and trying to put together a schedule so that I could take classes tomorrow and the rest of the term." 2016, Frustrating College Stuff

"I learned something from every person that left me with an empty feeling when I say their name. I wrote down their names, thankful for them." 2016, I'm Thankful For Disappointment

"Coffee, small talks, smile, stretching, showers, and a hint of sarcastically complaining have helped me stay alive when I have felt the most like giving up." 2017, I'm Me When I'm Alone

"Slowly I was seeing your face fade, I was regaining consciousness, I wanted to stay, but human nature dragged me away." 2017, Raven

"Summer, as usual, has been slow. It's like one of the child- friendly rides at the amusement park. It's not the most exciting ride but you enjoy it becuase it brings back memories." 2017, Blah

"I sit in class wondering how she is. My body sits in a chair but my mind isn't present." 2018, Not Here

"I am laying in a room where the sun shines on the carpet. The sun is like a cuddle." 2018, V's Random Thoughts

"A little time to do something my inner child loves. I love letting my inner child stand out. It allows me to think less and just be." 2018, V's Random Thoughts

"She reminded me to look back at the rainbow and I know that can be taken into daily living with me. Allowing myself to see the rainbow- even look for it." 2019, The Rainbow Behind You

Here is to more blogging years!

Sweetly, Hello from V.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019


My dearest friends,

It's been too long since I've sat down and written a blog post. Truth is, life's been so up and down that there hasn't been time to reflect and share on here. I've had time to journal, talk with a few friends, write the newsletter, get to know others, work, and do school related things but I have not had much time for me. Admittedly, the only reason I am getting to this post now is becuase blogging has been flashing in my mind so brightly I need to dim it down so I can concentrate on other life/adult things.

ADULT I N G- what?

It's a big f***ing headache. It's not what you think. Adulting in the world of V happens to be spending time on things that will secure my future. It's allowing more time to build a foundation so that when I build upwards there is less likely hood on falling. The ONLY problem is I don't know how to build the foundation without giving my workers back strain and other problems that will put them out of work. Pacing is fundamental.

Adulting, college, and work can all be shoved in the same box for now. I don't want to bore you by talking about what I can no longer stand to rant about.

This note plays a happy tune. I AM A BALLET INSTRUCTOR. My friends, the dream is fulfilled. I am teaching dance at a local rec center to 3-5-year-olds and it is the most heartwarming thing. It's a very new job (I am still celebrating) but boy, has it given me joy. I can't believe it has happened so soon in my career and I also can not contain my excitement.

Here are a few snippets from my dearest journal //

"We may never talk again but she made me feel smart and in the moment joy."

"We turned on Kesha while standing on the red bench, together we danced. Obnoxious for sure, but on a Monday at 10:59 it was the perfect mood boost."

"I mean those eyes. And smile."

"I am a unique person, it's unique that I think that. Cliche to say you are no one and nothing special, however, knowing you are truly are one of a kind is rare." No one sees that anymore in today's world. Maybe we are afraid to admit it becuase we know there are other humans hurting who might hurt more when they heard us say that. (Thoughts now.)"

"Feels like I'm high, all the colors and sound in the world are extra popping."

"There is something so beautiful about knowing this morning is one of the last chilly ones we'll have here in Oregon for a while. It's more appreciated becuase I now there won't be too many more days like this one." 

So, friends, I am around just busy hanging on for dear life. Hoping that this summer I'll be able to get back to all the little things that bring me so much peace. I can't wait for that. To not have school on my mind sounds like a blessing.

It's been sweet catching up. I missed blogger girl, V! Be back soon.

Tell me what you're up to!

Love,
V

A year after.

Monday, April 29, 2019

I wanted you to see me just so you'd see how far I'd come.



You were wearing khaki shorts, a black tee shirt, and sunglasses that'd I watched you put on as you walked by.

Those tinted lenses couldn't ever taint the feeling I get when you look my way.

I felt the look.

Depression's Strangling Arms

Sunday, April 21, 2019

Arms are placed tightly around my core, strangling me.
Oxygen is leaving my lungs with every scream and kick
I look like I am having a seizure in the arms around me.
Fatigue is peaking out from behind a street light glowing. 

His grubby hands toss me up and over
for a second my body is weightl--
my stomach crashes onto the rock of his shoulder.
The air I held in escapes me and Hope is taken with my breath.

One more kick.
Mud stained and oil traced pink Bangs kick into the core of the problem

A hand takes a fistful of my hair and pulls my neck back
Millions of needles are pierced into my skin.
The bee sting like feeling makes me yell out 

"FIRE-"

There is a fire burning in me as I try to stay hopeful.
I'm fighting to stay in situations that didn't make me 
uneasy before

My lungs are letting out screams and I'm sucking in large inhales that burn on the way in
Traces of oxygen keep the fire burning in me
Until I am out of Depression's strangling arms,
I'll keep fighting the hardest fight with the most Hope for living.


THE RELIEF

Monday, April 8, 2019

Yesterday, I could feel a knot in my chest. I could feel a weight pulling my heart down and a sirene making its way to the cavity of my lungs. Today, the ambulance has made it to my mind and has begun smoothing the anxiety, overwhelming thoughts, stress, hurt, and brokenness of my mind.
-march 9th

Death Drowned Her

Friday, April 5, 2019


Here’s the thing.

Living they say is precious and you should want to live it.

I think half of that’s bullshit.

Your soul is precious. This is just the world it lives on for now.

When one dies, does their soul die too? I’d like to think it doesn’t. That you move on to another place more lovely.
If beauty is waiting for you when you move on from this world, what is keeping you here?

Someone I knew was murdered.

This world made her soul happy. She danced everywhere and looked into the lens of the camera with genuine love.

Her life was taken from her.

She didn’t ask to leave this world. Someone chose that fate for her. They took her life.

Her soul no one could ever touch but her time in this world was stripped from her hands.

I can’t imagine the fear she held inside her as it happened. She must have been terrified.

How’s it feel to know someone wants you dead. What’s it like to run from death? What’s it like to try to hold on for life but be drowned? No one but her will know. No one will understand.

She must have wanted to live. She kept fighting so that she could dance, love those around her, learn, and grow.

If death is not staring you in the face, why would you chase after it?

Stay for those around you.

Shine your light upon those who need it.

Love the people who would be broken if you weren’t here.

Don’t dance with death if death doesn't dance with you first.

////

She is a reminder that life is fragile and it can be short
That we must live to love every day, even if it's not the life itself but the details

This is why I shouldn't touch my phone in class.
It emotes emotions I need to shove aside in class.

Murder


Lost she was. A soul dancing to heaven instead of on the dance floor in front of 
those who loved her.

I will always remember. 


in loving memory of Haruka Weiser

The Doors

Saturday, March 30, 2019



Dad marches his feet in place bending at the knees. "It has a lot of connection," he says as he nods his head and picks up a cord. "Leave it right there. This is good." His living room being cleaned along with the meloids of The Doors.
Riders on the Storm- The Doors

"THIS IS FAMOUS!" The jitters in his feet remind me that he was once a young adult in Oklahoma. He rushes to turn the music back up when it was turned down by a family member. I am not changing the music. This is great. 

My dad isn't one to share things about growing up and the navy but I can see his past flash through his navy blue tinted eyes. I am cuddled on the couch wondering what dad's experienced.
Break on Through- The Doors

I love when songs mention other songs. As we sing a song named Theatrical State of Mind we are going to mention someone listening to the beach boys. Ann Wants to Dance made we wonder who the artists singing this groovy tune was. It's the kind of Saturday where we are admiring the sunshine we haven't seen all year and drinking coffee while doing a little spring cleaning.
Papooz


The Rainbow Behind You.

Wednesday, March 13, 2019


"Did you see the rainbow behind you?"
She stopped us in the middle of a faint conversation. The rain had just died down and the sun was peaking through the clouds. The rain had been dribbling through the droplets of the sun leaving the ground wet and the lake fuller with what keeps it alive.

The lady held a camera in her hand and looked at both of us walking. We had to have looked like kinder souls, or maybe she was the kindest of all, becuase she willingly shared the rainbow with us. She was like magic. I had expected her to pull out her camera and take pictures of us walking but she did one better.

I turned around looking in the wrong direction already. The story of my life. Here to my right was part of a rainbow it was almost invisible but I got to see it. The smile on my face was there and I could barely hold my excitement together. The rainbow lady just told me in a thick Russian accent that there was a rainbow behind me and it felt magical.

The little moments like that do it for me. She reminded me to look back at the rainbow and I know that can be taken into daily living. Allowing myself to see the rainbow- to even look for it. Becuase often times I am so stuck in my head I don't see the world around me. Beauty is hard to see a lot of times. It can be when there is so much shit on your plate. (Don't eat the shit!)

You need to remember to look back, to smile. Let yourself look for things that make you smile. Look for the rainbow. Look back for the rainbow. Maybe I need to imagine the better days and allow them to enter my life. Let them bring a smile to my life. It's never going to be easy. I am always going to struggle but a wise person shared a few things with me.

That in his struggles he has found the most clarity.

That everyone's situations are different and we must look at them individually.

And that if we go into every conversation with the intention of learning something we can't go wrong.

All which is true. Sometimes you just need to hear something to be reminded of something. There are tears but there are smiles to tint the color black to grey. Just hang in there. Get through it and be light.

I can find rainbows everywhere when I look. Sometimes we need a reminder to look for those rainbows and that's okay.

my hiding soul, you can't see

Sunday, March 10, 2019

you can't see within me
unless i told you how i felt or what i was thinking
you'd never know

i told you once before
i shared what i wanted and felt
but once was enough
you took those feelings and thoughts and
turned them into a blank canvas

i don't know what to tell you anymore
i don't want you to see me anymore
we tried that already
it's left me empty becuase you
don't help

you share your thoughts on mine
but i don't feel your understanding
maybe if i held on and shared more
there would be some miracle

but it's too late

you can't see me

i am a white canvas with a story under it
i am a blue sky with clouds as fine as vapor
i am the darkness of the night with shadows no one can see

i am a soul
with feelings
thoughts
and love

i fear you will never see me

brilliance is in me but I'm sad

Tuesday, February 26, 2019


"I am here tell you that you can do this and that I believe in you because I KNOW you can do it. I see the potential you have. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think you'd be great."

And he left after I had thanked him.

I went back to the front desk with the tear-stained cheeks he saw but didn't acknowledge. The tears fell as I tried to hold myself all alone. I was shaking, I couldn't handle it. I wanted so much better for myself but this is what I got.

So I left the tears to leak out of my eyes. I didn't care who saw the sadness in my eyes becuase crying was a step towards getting better. I was relieved to finally be letting go of all the bottled up emotions that were in me.

I felt so many things at that moment. More than sadness and disappointment in myself. I was hopeful and hurt, peaceful but enraged, and moved but still. I felt it all.

"You need to have a friend you can text or call at any time when you need something. Those are the friends that got me thorugh college. You are brilliant and you can get through this"

I thanked the blue eyes who told me that.

I thanked myself for being able to embrace emotions that scare me.

I'll be okay.

Purging Soul

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Last night I heard a sound that sent me into a panic 
the sound that plays overhead when the purge is happening 
the purge happened in my the deapth of my soul.

Purge: Rid of something or someone unwanted quality, condition, or feeling.


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Thursday, February 21, 2019


>>>>C L I C K   H E R E

PHONE CALL DISCONNECT {DEEPER WORDS}

Thursday, February 7, 2019


21:16

The phone line was dead for 47 seconds after we had shared how our days were. It left me with wonder. 47 seconds to imagine about where you had gone, what you had been contemplating, and what you were obtaining instead of talking to me. I remained in the silence of the connected unconnected call. "Hello? Are you there?"  I kept saying those words hearing emptiness in reply. Every second that went by passed like they do when I stand outside in numbing temperatures anticipating the bus. I wondered if you'd drop the call altogether or stay on the line to pick up eventually.  

Staying on the call wasn't easy. There were so many times where I thought I would be better off if I gave up and disconnected the last bits of connection we had. It would have had been easier to stop wondering when you'd pick up and start new with someone else. However, I couldn't tolerate the thought of putting the energy in for another call that could misconnect when I could merely try a little longer to keep the connection we had going. 

I lost some and won some by staying on the line that night. I lost more hope with every second father from the one we were last talking at. I lost sanity with every "Hello, are you there?" I lost little bits of myself while I thought about you. 

I too obtained something within myself. I won a new creative spark- one that was allured by the darkness within the night I waited for what felt like minutes. I increased knowledge about how to handle the situation and I attained back the connection that we once lost when I heard, "Thank you, for staying on the line that long, I'm glad you did."

That made waiting okay becuase I fucking missed you.

WHY LEAVE?

Thursday, January 31, 2019


i feel my body shiver when i think about how beautiful life is.
why would anyone want to leave this earth.
i'll admit that if my time came soon, i'd be okay with leaving
but that's because i have shared my story with you, i have put myself out there for others
i smile about making an impact, and i know i'll be remembered.
but why would you want to leave this world if you have not lived.

there's so much out there.
hope, fate, will, determination, unknown things.
there's a life to be lived.

there are people to meet
someone who could change your world
someone who could bring you light
someone who could change your views
don't let yourself think that THIS is all there is

there is more.

smiles, coffee, friendly arms, safe hugs, trees, and mountins.
Faces and voices, summer sun and ocean tides. Red hair and blue eyes,
music, art, lights, stars, bright moons.

there is so much out there for you.

why give up now?

S T A Y,
please.

READ IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Dear universe,

Why are you challenging me? Pushing me? Testing my limits? Asking more of me? Where is it you want me to get in the end? Where are we going? I hope it’s something wonderful. I feel like I deserve something wonderful.

I’ve never written something to read out loud all my writing is for me. It’s for others to learn from, it’s for others to think about. I want to inspire others to move forward but how can I do that when I feel like a burning fire? I’ve sat in the fire, crusting for too long.

I’ve never been 100 percent honest with someone about everything in my life but I know it’s time. I want to grow, I do. I know it’s hard to do, takes time, but if I put myself out there in the safest of spaces maybe I will teach someone something or better yet, learn about myself. I want to know there’s a chance for me to be better than I am right now.

Right now I am someone who is friendly, approachable, helpful, and kind. I have been those things at my worst times. In the summer of 2017 when I had drug-induced mania I kept those core values running through my veins in the hallways of the mental ward. I talked to the broken with hope and the soul dying with dignity. It was the most memorable time in my life. Being in a situation like that changed who I am in a good way. I know it helped me grow. As uncomfortable as I was sleeping on a plastic bed or in the hallways of the ward where the angels watched over me I knew deep within I would get through it. I would come out better than I came in.

And I did.

My last therapist told me that I am a caregiver. I never thought about myself like that but it made sense to me. She told me I put family first, that I am strong, kind, and a wonderful human. She also told me I needed to work on being assertive, more opinionated, and open to doing things on my own. She was not wrong. She helped me through life.

With a little push, I found out I wanted to enroll in the exercise science program at PCC. Spring term I changed schools and worked my butt off until I felt like there was too much going on in my life to go on.  At one point I got so overwhelmed trying to deal with a social life and school and family that I dropped anatomy and intro to fit tech careers. This was because I needed to focus on me. It wasn’t easy to fail but sometimes the first attempt at learning doesn’t work.

In fall, depression, anxiety, and I passed all my classes with an A. The same happened in Summer. I proved to myself that I can do it. No matter what happens to my mental state I will not let it fuck up school. I will not let it mess up where I want to go. School is a stepping stone in my journey.

I am here because I do not feel okay. I am scared of taking steps forward but then falling back into depression again. I have anxiety colored butterflies in my tummy worrying me about becoming panic. I had a panic attack on the bus last Thursday. That was the tipping point. Tipping Thursday.

I know I am strong. I value myself. I am loved and cared for and I am enough.

I am Vanessa, some call me V.

Simple and sweet.
////////

You are loved. You are not alone. You have others and God. Trust me I will be okay and so will you, have faith. Everything will be okay. Email me if you want or need to talk
-vanessa

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