The Rainbow Behind You.

Wednesday, March 13, 2019


"Did you see the rainbow behind you?"
She stopped us in the middle of a faint conversation. The rain had just died down and the sun was peaking through the clouds. The rain had been dribbling through the droplets of the sun leaving the ground wet and the lake fuller with what keeps it alive.

The lady held a camera in her hand and looked at both of us walking. We had to have looked like kinder souls, or maybe she was the kindest of all, becuase she willingly shared the rainbow with us. She was like magic. I had expected her to pull out her camera and take pictures of us walking but she did one better.

I turned around looking in the wrong direction already. The story of my life. Here to my right was part of a rainbow it was almost invisible but I got to see it. The smile on my face was there and I could barely hold my excitement together. The rainbow lady just told me in a thick Russian accent that there was a rainbow behind me and it felt magical.

The little moments like that do it for me. She reminded me to look back at the rainbow and I know that can be taken into daily living. Allowing myself to see the rainbow- to even look for it. Becuase often times I am so stuck in my head I don't see the world around me. Beauty is hard to see a lot of times. It can be when there is so much shit on your plate. (Don't eat the shit!)

You need to remember to look back, to smile. Let yourself look for things that make you smile. Look for the rainbow. Look back for the rainbow. Maybe I need to imagine the better days and allow them to enter my life. Let them bring a smile to my life. It's never going to be easy. I am always going to struggle but a wise person shared a few things with me.

That in his struggles he has found the most clarity.

That everyone's situations are different and we must look at them individually.

And that if we go into every conversation with the intention of learning something we can't go wrong.

All which is true. Sometimes you just need to hear something to be reminded of something. There are tears but there are smiles to tint the color black to grey. Just hang in there. Get through it and be light.

I can find rainbows everywhere when I look. Sometimes we need a reminder to look for those rainbows and that's okay.

my hiding soul, you can't see

Sunday, March 10, 2019

you can't see within me
unless i told you how i felt or what i was thinking
you'd never know

i told you once before
i shared what i wanted and felt
but once was enough
you took those feelings and thoughts and
turned them into a blank canvas

i don't know what to tell you anymore
i don't want you to see me anymore
we tried that already
it's left me empty becuase you
don't help

you share your thoughts on mine
but i don't feel your understanding
maybe if i held on and shared more
there would be some miracle

but it's too late

you can't see me

i am a white canvas with a story under it
i am a blue sky with clouds as fine as vapor
i am the darkness of the night with shadows no one can see

i am a soul
with feelings
thoughts
and love

i fear you will never see me

brilliance is in me but I'm sad

Tuesday, February 26, 2019


"I am here tell you that you can do this and that I believe in you because I KNOW you can do it. I see the potential you have. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think you'd be great."

And he left after I had thanked him.

I went back to the front desk with the tear-stained cheeks he saw but didn't acknowledge. The tears fell as I tried to hold myself all alone. I was shaking, I couldn't handle it. I wanted so much better for myself but this is what I got.

So I left the tears to leak out of my eyes. I didn't care who saw the sadness in my eyes becuase crying was a step towards getting better. I was relieved to finally be letting go of all the bottled up emotions that were in me.

I felt so many things at that moment. More than sadness and disappointment in myself. I was hopeful and hurt, peaceful but enraged, and moved but still. I felt it all.

"You need to have a friend you can text or call at any time when you need something. Those are the friends that got me thorugh college. You are brilliant and you can get through this"

I thanked the blue eyes who told me that.

I thanked myself for being able to embrace emotions that scare me.

I'll be okay.

Purging Soul

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Last night I heard a sound that sent me into a panic 
the sound that plays overhead when the purge is happening 
the purge happened in my the deapth of my soul.

Purge: Rid of something or someone unwanted quality, condition, or feeling.


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Thursday, February 21, 2019


>>>>C L I C K   H E R E

PHONE CALL DISCONNECT {DEEPER WORDS}

Thursday, February 7, 2019


21:16

The phone line was dead for 47 seconds after we had shared how our days were. It left me with wonder. 47 seconds to imagine about where you had gone, what you had been contemplating, and what you were obtaining instead of talking to me. I remained in the silence of the connected unconnected call. "Hello? Are you there?"  I kept saying those words hearing emptiness in reply. Every second that went by passed like they do when I stand outside in numbing temperatures anticipating the bus. I wondered if you'd drop the call altogether or stay on the line to pick up eventually.  

Staying on the call wasn't easy. There were so many times where I thought I would be better off if I gave up and disconnected the last bits of connection we had. It would have had been easier to stop wondering when you'd pick up and start new with someone else. However, I couldn't tolerate the thought of putting the energy in for another call that could misconnect when I could merely try a little longer to keep the connection we had going. 

I lost some and won some by staying on the line that night. I lost more hope with every second father from the one we were last talking at. I lost sanity with every "Hello, are you there?" I lost little bits of myself while I thought about you. 

I too obtained something within myself. I won a new creative spark- one that was allured by the darkness within the night I waited for what felt like minutes. I increased knowledge about how to handle the situation and I attained back the connection that we once lost when I heard, "Thank you, for staying on the line that long, I'm glad you did."

That made waiting okay becuase I fucking missed you.

WHY LEAVE?

Thursday, January 31, 2019


i feel my body shiver when i think about how beautiful life is.
why would anyone want to leave this earth.
i'll admit that if my time came soon, i'd be okay with leaving
but that's because i have shared my story with you, i have put myself out there for others
i smile about making an impact, and i know i'll be remembered.
but why would you want to leave this world if you have not lived.

there's so much out there.
hope, fate, will, determination, unknown things.
there's a life to be lived.

there are people to meet
someone who could change your world
someone who could bring you light
someone who could change your views
don't let yourself think that THIS is all there is

there is more.

smiles, coffee, friendly arms, safe hugs, trees, and mountins.
Faces and voices, summer sun and ocean tides. Red hair and blue eyes,
music, art, lights, stars, bright moons.

there is so much out there for you.

why give up now?

S T A Y,
please.

READ IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Dear universe,

Why are you challenging me? Pushing me? Testing my limits? Asking more of me? Where is it you want me to get in the end? Where are we going? I hope it’s something wonderful. I feel like I deserve something wonderful.

I’ve never written something to read out loud all my writing is for me. It’s for others to learn from, it’s for others to think about. I want to inspire others to move forward but how can I do that when I feel like a burning fire? I’ve sat in the fire, crusting for too long.

I’ve never been 100 percent honest with someone about everything in my life but I know it’s time. I want to grow, I do. I know it’s hard to do, takes time, but if I put myself out there in the safest of spaces maybe I will teach someone something or better yet, learn about myself. I want to know there’s a chance for me to be better than I am right now.

Right now I am someone who is friendly, approachable, helpful, and kind. I have been those things at my worst times. In the summer of 2017 when I had drug-induced mania I kept those core values running through my veins in the hallways of the mental ward. I talked to the broken with hope and the soul dying with dignity. It was the most memorable time in my life. Being in a situation like that changed who I am in a good way. I know it helped me grow. As uncomfortable as I was sleeping on a plastic bed or in the hallways of the ward where the angels watched over me I knew deep within I would get through it. I would come out better than I came in.

And I did.

My last therapist told me that I am a caregiver. I never thought about myself like that but it made sense to me. She told me I put family first, that I am strong, kind, and a wonderful human. She also told me I needed to work on being assertive, more opinionated, and open to doing things on my own. She was not wrong. She helped me through life.

With a little push, I found out I wanted to enroll in the exercise science program at PCC. Spring term I changed schools and worked my butt off until I felt like there was too much going on in my life to go on.  At one point I got so overwhelmed trying to deal with a social life and school and family that I dropped anatomy and intro to fit tech careers. This was because I needed to focus on me. It wasn’t easy to fail but sometimes the first attempt at learning doesn’t work.

In fall, depression, anxiety, and I passed all my classes with an A. The same happened in Summer. I proved to myself that I can do it. No matter what happens to my mental state I will not let it fuck up school. I will not let it mess up where I want to go. School is a stepping stone in my journey.

I am here because I do not feel okay. I am scared of taking steps forward but then falling back into depression again. I have anxiety colored butterflies in my tummy worrying me about becoming panic. I had a panic attack on the bus last Thursday. That was the tipping point. Tipping Thursday.

I know I am strong. I value myself. I am loved and cared for and I am enough.

I am Vanessa, some call me V.

Simple and sweet.
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You are loved. You are not alone. You have others and God. Trust me I will be okay and so will you, have faith. Everything will be okay. Email me if you want or need to talk
-vanessa

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