Thursday, November 29, 2018

Hello friend. Pick a topic and let me know what you think in the comments. Thanks for reading this somewhat ranty post.

I've known a fair amount of people who have been important in my life then walk right out of it with no explanation or goodbye and I am always left with so many questions about why.

These people were as significant to me as they could be and we had developed the kind of relationship that doesn't let you question whether if they'll stick around because there's no question that they will be around-- that is until they aren't. I wonder about these souls. Where they have gone? What happened? Why they left without saying goodbye?

I wonder if they couldn't say goodbye because it was too uncomfortable or maybe it was because I didn't mean as much as I thought I did to them. It's a giant circle of questions that spins in my head when it comes to these people. I miss the feelings they gave me when I was around them. I am heartbroken they left but part of me knows that it's just faith. Bright stars have to fade to let others shine, sometimes.

I still have so many questions for these people. If I were to talk to them again I'd ask all the questions I'd been asking myself.

The other day I asked myself why I haven't been in a serious relationship. A few reasons why but it ultimately came down to the fact I am selfish. I enjoy spending time on my own, I love my independence, space, being creative and being myself when no one's around. I am 100 percent me when it's just myself and I.

To care for another human takes effort. It takes commitment, will, responsibility. I can barely hang in there when it comes to friends. How am I supposed to let another human into my life? Let them love me and care for me. I can love and care for myself! (wow independence wow) I have school and I have limited time. 

Don't get me wrong I would love to grow a connection with someone and get married. The pressure to do that is everywhere all the time but now isn't the time. Even though my mother loves to joke about setting me up with one of her friend's sons, or the guy at church, I don't think she seriously wants that for me in my life right now. 

And I don't actually want that right now either. So why'd I start talking to someone I met recently who I know things aren't going to work out with? I don't know. Part of me needs to branch out to remind myself of all the reasons I can't start a relationship with someone. Part of me just wants a hug? Sure. 

It's a messy and complicated thing but I am a mess and I like myself so I am gonna love myself by being with myself. I'm dating myself. Can't hurt me that way, you wishful thinking vanishing souls.

There are so many negative experiences in life that you have to see the silver lining in them. Anxiety, for the longest time, has been the hardest thing for me to see the silver lining in. It's the thing that holds me back from doing what I want to do and it's the feeling that makes me want to hide. It limits me. It makes me feel like a whole different person and it's hard to see good in someone I am not comfortable being.

But, the other day on my ride back from class post-midterm week I saw the good anxiety had done for me. Anxiety had made me a responsible student/ It allowed me to stick to a schedule, study the things I was anxious about, and practice the presentations I biting my nails about. All the anxiety forced me to be a little more focused and study a little harder. The outcome of that was one I hadn't realized would happen until I took some tests, taught in front of the class, and wrote some essays. 

The good in anxiety was the focus and determination to not fail at the one thing I was in control of, school. And although I missed a few days because getting out of bed and into the world was hard I still managed to do alright. It's a little too early to say I succeeded in the term but I already feel like I won one battle. The one that's always in my head. 

So even though anxiety is a pain in the ass I guess I won't mind a little nudging me to get assignments and homework done now that I can see some advantage to it. 

It's never not in the freezer of my household. RIght now we have a lovely blend of rocky road that doesn't do badly as a hot cocoa topping. I just love ice cream. Now, no one is going to get fat off eating their favorite treat once in a while, so I say do it. Treat yourself.

Icecream is my comfort food. I'll admit that!! The people who leave out of nowhere, the anxiety, and my love relationship ship for relationships are all thought about while eating ice cream. 

Did you enjoy this post format?
What are your thoughts on these topics?
What's your guilty pleasure food?


Thursday, November 22, 2018

Today we striped thanksgiving to its core. My mother, sister and I cooked a smaller meal in terms of what the normal Thanksgiving feast is like and called a day of movie watching, eating Costco pumpkin pie, and drinking Abuelita good. It's one of the simplest Thanksgivings we've had in the last couple of years.

There wasn't an El Salvadorian styled turkey this year or lots of family stopping by. No food comas, or drunk relatives. For that, I am thankful for. The madness of Black Friday sales haven't been thought about and Christmas music isn't playing...yet. It's been quiet and humble. Nothing big and fancy just my mother, sister and I and what we have.

My mother has been talking about how we shouldn't cook a huge turkey for just a couple of people when there are so many people suffering in this world. People who barely have enough money for a meal a day are relying on God to get them through the holidays. . Ones that do not have their family supporting them or are near them. There are people who are suffering from depression through the holidays. I think about how difficult it must be for people suffering to see the advertisements of what a Thanksgiving is supposed to look like and pictures of people they know sharing pictures of their table's full of food.

For this reason, it's fair to have a simpler holiday than one that so much effort is put into. Although it's nice to be with your family on the holidays and eat as much food as possible it's also pleasant to simply be with the people you love in the simplest of ways. This is how I was raised. To appreciate the people and things I have in my life now.

I am thankful for being gratified by the simpler things in life. I don't need anything fancy to be satisfied. A sense of belonging, support from the people who I love the most, faith, a roof over my head, good physical and mental health, and enough money to get by are all I need. Because there are many that do not have a lot of those things, those are the things I am most thankful to have this year.

Enjoy this non-related picture. I took this picture in late spring this year. Cute little frog and some flowers. 

I TOO AM WAITING {personal words}

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

do you see the quiet that lives in my soul
the part that is afraid to tell you i'm not okay
because i don't want to see you try to fix something
that can't be fixed by you

i'm sure you've noticed a shift in my eyes
they wander searching for significance
the kind no one has but God himself
but even when He is standing in front of me
i can't admit i need the help

i've watched the trees lose their leaves
they tremble all winter long waiting 
for the day they are strong enough to
grow what they once lost back

like the trees, i too am waiting

i am waiting for the day
when i am strong enough to grow again
the day when my spirit blooms like the flowers
and the colors inside of me don't only shine
on the inside but radiate on the outside too

until then i tell myself that it'll get better
that people can support but never fix
that i must be the one to self-sooth my quietness
to listen to the thoughts walking in my head
and to keep waiting for the season

you, my dear, can keep walking by my side
as i hold on
while God keeps watch

and i tell myself to be patient through the quiet 

NOTE: I really want my morning to be longer. When I get in a good writing mood and find a home within the words it's so hard to tear myself away and get on with my daily responsibilities. Today, classes. I feel very disconnected from the blogging world. It's been a while since I've had time to read everyone's blogs. Comment and I'll make sure to catch up with you! Miss you all. and as always thank you for your love and support on my blog.


Thursday, November 8, 2018

I've been finding myself saying there is something to be thankful for every day and even if I haven't found it yet something will come along. This week has been a gem but not just any type of gem. The one that's hard to find but once it's found is everything you could have hoped for and more. 

Monday was alright, I got out of bed walked myself over to the shuttle and went to class. I took an anatomy midterm that day that I had been preparing for all weekend. After I took that test I had a gut feeling that I didn't do all well as I hoped. On Tuesday, I could barely get out of bed. The weather was cold, I didn't want to deal with the people, and what not. 

On Wednesday, I didn't want to go to class. I almost didn't go but am I sure glad I did. I got out of bed that morning to go on a run (something I enjoy) and hope that after doing so I'd feel okay and more inspired to go to class. Running that morning was a game changer. The cold air was pleasant first thing in the morning, and my body was waking up. At the end of that run, I got ready for class and headed out the door. 

In anatomy, I got a horrid nerve-wracking speech from the professor that people either passed or failed this test. There were not very people in between. OH GREAT. I sat in that class thinking I had failed the test. My grade is on the line. I couldn't believe it, that I might have failed. I was sad. But then my test got handed to me at the end of class. "Good job," the professor said. I ignored that until I realized that was my comment! I had passed!! And did better than expected! I couldn't believe it. I was so thrilled and proud of myself. I wouldn't have felt this happy if I didn't get out of bed. 

And then today, Thursday, came around, I keep trying. Stayed in bed longer than I wanted to, rushed out the door and worried about a teach back I had to do the rest of the day. I had to teach five students how to do a side lunge today with the rest of the class watching me. I was nervous. I kept hearing this little voice from my most introverted self to stay home and skip the teach-back. I couldn't though. I wanted to try. I wanted to try so that I had the chance. 

Walking into the class with the tables pushed away making room for the others who would teach a skill made me feel uneasy. But I was glad to be there. And the more I sat down and saw everyone there I noticed that it wasn't as bad as I had made it up to be. That I didn't have much to worry about. When it was my turn to teach I put on my confident smile and began to teach. I felt like I was dipping my toe into what it will be like to teach people fitness and I loved it. It was fun and I think I did okay. 

But this week made me smile at myself. I kept trying and that couldn't have made me happier with myself. So this Thursday I am thankful for trying. Thankful for giving myself a chance. I'm also thankful for the time I've put in studying because it's paid off. Thankful for being me and thankful to have found a gem.

 I am proud of myself. 


Thursday, November 1, 2018

Thankfulness Thursday has become one of my favorite blogging traditions. Grace Anne from Totally Graced started this blogging tradition a few sweet years ago! Grace encouraged others to share what they are thankful for on Thursdays throughout the month of November.

I've enjoyed taking part in this because it gets me in the mood for Thanksgiving. These posts also give light to the holidays taking them away from the commercial aspect by instead focusing on something more simple and pure such as the people/things we have in our lives.

I invite you along with Grace and I to post at least once Thankfulness Thursday post! <3

A Few Words From Grace Anne on Thankfulness Thursday:
Gratitude is something that we all could be better about practicing year round, but we're all reminded of it a bit more around Thanksgiving. Three years ago, in 2015, I decided to put a particular emphasis on taking note of everything that I have to be thankful for by starting a Thankfulness Thursday series on my blog for the month of November. The posts were simple, just short lists of things that I was thankful for over the course of the week. Since then, Thankfulness Thursday has become an annual tradition, with bloggers from all over the world joining in each November. The posts vary from incredible stories of God's goodness to mere sentences, the kind that are all you can choke out when your brain is spinning in a thousand directions. At the core, however, they all share the same message- on the good days and the bad, the easy and the hard, there is always something to be grateful for. 

I'm Thankful For:
An Understanding Of Wellness- I have come to the realization that there are plenty of people that don't have the privilege to understand wellness because they lack the resources or were never taught about it. I am thankful that to be learning about health and fitness and that I am able to apply it to my life. I think that without the spark of interest in a healthy lifestyle I wouldn't be where I am now. It's a crazy thought to think that I could have never been taught about something that's so important in my lives and the lives of others. I want to share my passion for health and fitness with others to better their lives! If you're interested in Wellness check out my Wellness blog here.

My Sister- She's the one person that is there for me no matter what. I am blessed to have a good relationship with my one and only sibling. She's hands down my favorite person and I need to tell her that more often.

November- I'm so glad that it's November. I don't know how we go there so quickly but we did and that's something to be glad about. Things are looking up for the rest of the year. The rain, freezing cold weather, Thanksgiving, sweets, and being cozy are all things I am looking forward too.
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