Saturday, July 29, 2017

I Was Not Myself

There's a part of my life I have been dwelling on recently. It's the part of my life that I had no control over. My body was taken by the drugs the doctors gave me that were supposed to help me but instead they made my life a complicated mess. Those drugs took over my mind and they made me do, think, and say things I would have never said if I wasn't under the influence of the drug that the doctors guided me to take.

My body was directed by medication that didn't sit well with me. I started to say hurtful things to the people I loved. I started saying nonsense to people I thought I loved. I cared about the wrong people. I hurt people around me. I went places I shouldn't have gone and I stepped over walls of safety. I did all these things that make me shiver when I think about them.

I am ashamed of the things I did when I wasn't in control. How could I not have been in control if I felt in control at the moment? How was it not me making choices? How?

As I found out later the things I did when I thought I was myself were influenced by a medication that drove my mind insane. I was me but I wasn't myself. I did things that weren't things the sane me would have done. I keep hoping that thinking about the fact that I had no control over what I did will make things better but guilt drowns me like an ocean would if you couldn't swim.

The hardest thing for me to remember is that I wasn't myself when I did the things I did. I want the memories of the things I did to vanish but no matter how hard I try to rub these memories away I can't. It's like trying to erase a pen mark with an eraser that is made for only fixing the mistakes of a pencil. The lines will fade ever so slightly, but will always be noticeable. The memories in my head are the lines written in pen that I can't erase. The only thing I can do is draw a more beautiful story out of a broken line but drawing that story won't be simple.

My mind has no off switch. It won't let my worries rest. It plays the same few memories like a broken record. Again and again, and if that's not enough once more. The only day dreams I have are nightmares of the past. I fall asleep to things I wish never happen and I dream of all the what if's as if I still had a chance to change things.

I can't change the past. I can only wish it was different. Understanding everything that happened isn't my fault is one of the biggest challenges of recovery. Trying to mend a hurt soul isn't easy. My soul is like a broken bone. It is fragile as it lays in a cast and tries to heal its self. My soul hopes that it won't get pushed again so it puts up barriers in defense. Like a bone takes time to heal so will my soul.

Slowly the tender memories and shame and guilt will fade. The pain will diminish as I start to get into the right mindset. Eventually, the shame will disappear and the guilt will no longer be there as I start to accept that what happened was not my fault.

I was not myself.

Friday, July 21, 2017

How to renew your vows to complete your goals this 2017

What are your 2017 goals? If you are anything like I am, at around this time of the year your goals start to slip away from you. Where as you were super motivated to get shit done in the beginning of the year now you are saying "oh whatever, I'll do it later" SHIT DOESN'T GET DONE ON IT'S OWN.* There isn't a later for accomplishing your goals. The time is now. You've got to re-motivate yourself around this time of year!
*excuse my language while I try to get my point across

This is the place to start. I know it may seem kind of silly to find out what your goals were but sometimes we forget, we are human after all! You might have also made a list of goals and perhaps forgot the tiny goals you set for yourself. Go back into your blog or journal and find where you wrote down your goals for 2017. Read that entry out loud and remind yourself of what you wanted to accomplish this year. 

My goals for this year were simple. I never announced them because I feel as if goals aren't just for the beginning of the year but for whenever the time is right. In 2017 I wanted to get my side splits as well as start a stronger relationship with myself. One where I would work on loving myself and keep my mind solely focused on what I needed. As for the blogging world, I had a goal to share my journey of self-love with everyone as well as grow my audience. 

Depending on what type of goals you might have you might want to modify the goal so that you can successfully accomplish the goal at the end of the year. Let me say one thing really quickly, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH RE-WORKING YOUR GOAL SO THAT THEY ARE MORE MANAGEABLE. It might not be the same goal you started with but by accepting that you might need to re-work it you are allowing yourself to try again with more power and strength. Re-working your goals will make getting them done less scary and more manageable. 

I am guilty of removing the notes in my room that reminded me to stretch and love myself within the last couple of month. I got really unmotivated to work towards my goals. I got so unmotivated I threw my goals into a basket full of BS and said I'LL DO IT LATER* 

We can't do that anymore though! IT'S THE MIDDLE OF JULY! What we need to do is to write down our goals AGAIN somewhere where we can see them shout at us and tell us to get shit done.** Spend some time (after you have re-worked your goals) making pretty posters or cute notes of what you need to get done. Find a way to remind yourself of your 2017 goals daily.
*later happens the last few months of the year! It's awful but I procrastinate like crazy!
**AGAIN I apologize but I'm trying to get my point across to myself and unfortunately, this is the only way that might work. 

Motivation and inspiration are KEY! If you don't have the motivation to accomplish your goals you won't find or go looking for the inspiration and if you don't find or go looking for the inspiration you won't feel motivated. It works both ways, my friends.

In order to find motivation and inspiration, you need to do some hunting. Find your muse and find something that works wonders when it comes to feeling inspired. You might have done something like this in the begging of the year and now it's time to do it again! Make a Pinterest board, find some youtube videos about the goal you have, talk to some friends about your plans, or maybe just talk to yourself. Whatever it may be that will get you through the end of the year, DO IT!

Like you did in the beginning of the year write a post about your goals AGAIN. I know it might seem unnecessary but if you wrote on in the beginning on the year you might want to consider writing one again, now. Recapping your goals in the middle of the year will give you the same feelings and motivation it did in the beginning of the year.

Now that you have re-worked your goals, found inspiration, made notes, and re-announced your goals there is only one thing left to do, WORK HARD. You are the only person who can help yourself with those goals, so give it your all. 

You've got all the tools you need to accomplish those goals! Now, all you need to do is keep working towards your 2017 goals until 2018. I know that sounds a lot easier than it actually is but accomplishing your goals will make all the work worth it! You can do this!**
*Wow it feels weird to type 2018 AHHH we have about five months of the year left?! What is this?
**...if not there is always next year ;)

Saturday, July 15, 2017


She cried about her stress
mad at the moon
happy for the stars
crying to the sun.

Lost In Orbit.
Flying like a butterfly
being like a rose
walls up as she went from
flower to flower
from topic to topic

peace in something far away
from her roots
little one helped

by her, and others
will come out strong

Little Girl Lost
no longer lost
guided, found, hopefully
and pleased because she is
that butterfly
wandering ever so gentle.

I've walked along my blood
I have learned, grown, and become.
However, influenced by the nouns. 
They have driven me, taken my mind, and shifted my views.
My blood is not pure. I'm different.

I want to walk backwards. 
Take back, recollect, redefine me. 
Take off the mask and show what I thought I couldn't.
I must bare judgment for I will be stripped.
The only way is to move forward is to be 
cautious of the backwards steps.

Did you know, you inspired me to write?
Did you know, you made my day better?
You made me laugh, you made me smile.
I was lonely until you came and trusted
that I wouldn't hurt you. Three feet away.
Whom would have thought we'd be friends?

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Welcome To V's About Page

Just me is my simple. Just me is only V and no one else. No one to tell me I can't do anything or I should think a certain way. When it's just me my life is Simple and that is how life should be! Simple. I also preach self-love and self-love is all about me. OR YOU! Simply Me use to be just a blog name but it's so much more now.

Simply Me is about Me. Who is V? Let's find out!

Cold fall days where the sun is the only thing that warms you. Spending time with myself and growing as an individual. Dancing alone at the tennis court. Lifting heavy at the gym, again, alone. Doing my nails when I am stressed. Finding time to write poems. Listening to mother nature. Being present in the moments shared with family, friends, strangers, and I.

Treat each human bean with the respect you would want. To listen to people when they need someone to lean on. Family first and before anything else. Hold your friends close and dear to your heart, friends can become family if you chose. Don't look back on the past if it isn't doing you any good. Don't dwell and don't worry about the future, you don't have any control over what happened and what will happen. God is good, and God will love you even if you don't love yourself. Love yourself first before anyone else.

Self-love is one of the most difficult things to learn to do but I can tell you that it is one of the most rewarding things to have accomplished on your own. Self-love is so important to me because it's made me a better person. Something so little and simple has a huge impact on my life and for the love, I have given myself I am thankful for. Self-love is something I will always talk about on my blog and will try to help every one of you achieve self-love. It is truly so dear to my heart.

People. Dance. Me. My family. Poems. Words. Self-love. Writing. Photography. College. Stories. Love. Friends. Adventures. Nature. Ice cream! Food. Pretty meals. Animals. Lifting. Running. Enjoying rain. Fall days. Earth days. Eclipses. The moon. The stars. The sun. The earth. The universe. God. 

I like hugs better than kisses. I am so independent that being in a relationship isn't something I enjoy. I have danced all of my life but have never focused on one genre of dance until college. College classes are so enjoyable. I rather date myself than someone else. I like myself if that isn't clear to you yet. Chocolate is my least favorite ice cream flavor, however, I love mudslide. 

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