Tuesday, January 31, 2017

I'm Me When I'm Alone


I need to stay sane. I forgot what it was like to be as busy as I was today. School to attend to and homework to finish right when I got home; along with laundry and a cup of iced coffee I made as a "stay in the game" reinforcement. Coffee, small talk, smiles, stretching, showers, and a hint of sarcastically complaining have helped me stay alive when I have felt most like giving up.

My life feels like it has flatlined. My emotions are bare, my thoughts are wiped, and my smile is forced. The feeling of winter depression is lingering. I am more content when I am by myself not fixating on what people are thinking of me. The words that come out of me feel so heavy but no one listening to them can pick up on that since the words are masked with a smile. Life feels dull when I am around other.

There is too much pressure being put on me to appear "normal" but I don't want people who can walk out of my life without saying goodbye to know that. Little do they care. Little do I want to explain what I don't know how to explain to them. Been there- done that- over it.

And it sounds like I am all alone but I have myself and that's all I need. It is settling to know that I have myself. I make myself comfortable which is a powerful thing and I am delighted to spend time with myself. Alone and carefree.

One of the things I want to work on this year is the concept of self-love. Loving yourself before you let others love you, learning to be comfortable with yourself, and respecting yourself are concepts we should all value. It only clicked for me a few months ago when failed attempts at relationships made me realize that the ultimate relationship can be with yourself. Giving myself a year to solely focus on the things I love doing is something I felt like I needed in order to grow up maturely. Self-love is what I am working on right now.

I am trying to accept that I may not feel like myself right now but that I love who I am no matter the situation. I have to keep telling myself that this is a good start- a little different than I initially thought it would be but not bad. I am staying positive by recognizing that my happiness comes from myself. I do the things I love to put a smile on my heart. And I tell myself that I will be my "normal" self when the time is right but in the meantime, there is no rush.

Spending this time reflecting on how I have been feeling and what I want to achieve will help me see things in a different light. There is messiness in this writing and there is dullness. My mind feels like a mess and my thoughts feel plain. The direction of my writing is scattered but it is something so strangely comforting about being monotone.

How to leave these thoughts on an end note isn't something I am able to piece together right now. I have tried various ways to end this but it's hard to end thoughts in a matter of seconds. Here is to hoping that February is more enlighting in different ways on my journey of self-love.

24 comments:

  1. This was so relatable to read, I often feel the same way. Like I can only really be myself when I'm spending time on my own, like I can't always be my authentic self around other people because they might not 'get me'. I think it's so important to just focus on yourself first and I'm wishing you all the best on your self-love journey x

    Sara’sChapters

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    1. It's a hard thing to do in an environment that you don't feel as secure in. Thanks for reading and leaving me with things to think about!

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  2. I can certainly relate to this. I hope you get a bit more joy in your life soon, V. Love you

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  3. this was a beautiful post. Ive been in your shoes more times than I care to admit. thank you for your honesty. I found myself nodding along to every line. I get you.
    the journey towards self love is an everlasting one, and some days will be better than others. Im happy you're learning to love yourself despite your circumstances.
    keep growing and learning. I bet February is going to be amazing for you <3

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    1. Thank you for all the support! Loving yourself can be difficult but it's a journey worth making like you said.

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  4. <333 i love this. hope February is a wonderful month for you

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  5. I can relate for sure! Don't give up, Vanessa! We are all rooting for you. ♥

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  6. I know this doesn't have anything to do with the post, but awhile back, you said you would be able to share some upper body workouts with me if I was interested? I would like to build more upper body strength before the Winter ends, if you have time to help :)

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  7. Winter time depression sucks, and it's something I sometimes find myself slipping into but not falling exactly into the category of having SAD. For me, I'm kind of different in the way I cope-- I have time to myself but I do extroverted stuff just to not let me fall down the drain. It's hard, because inner thoughts feel like they can be attacked, and if we share our authentic selves with people it may not turn out well. Hopefully this month goes well for you. <3

    xoxo Morning

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    1. Those methods work really well too, I'm glad that you are keeping up with friends and putting in so much effort!! This comment is a good one and I appreciate all the ideas you share(:

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  8. That is a rather confusing, yet relating post.

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  9. <3 I'm proud of you for your resolution! <3

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    1. Thank Han! I'm going to email you soon!!

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  10. It's great that you're focusing on self-love. Self-love is definitely worth focusing on. I hope your journey goes well. :)

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  11. Hi Vanessa,
    This is a very emotional and honest piece of writing. I enjoyed every word and I admire your ability to put them down and your capacity for self reflection. Hope things are well with you!

    Skylar | Skywriting

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    1. Thank you. I am thankful that people care so much to read about something I am going through

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