Tuesday, January 31, 2017

I'm Me When I'm Alone

I need to stay sane. I forgot what it was like to be as busy as I was today. School to attend to and homework to finish right when I got home; along with laundry and a cup of iced coffee I made as a "stay in the game" reinforcement. Coffee, small talk, smiles, stretching, showers, and a hint of sarcastically complaining have helped me stay alive when I have felt most like giving up.

My life feels like it has flatlined. My emotions are bare, my thoughts are wiped, and my smile is forced. The feeling of winter depression is lingering. I am more content when I am by myself not fixating on what people are thinking of me. The words that come out of me feel so heavy but no one listening to them can pick up on that since the words are masked with a smile. Life feels dull when I am around other.

There is too much pressure being put on me to appear "normal" but I don't want people who can walk out of my life without saying goodbye to know that. Little do they care. Little do I want to explain what I don't know how to explain to them. Been there- done that- over it.

And it sounds like I am all alone but I have myself and that's all I need. It is settling to know that I have myself. I make myself comfortable which is a powerful thing and I am delighted to spend time with myself. Alone and carefree.

One of the things I want to work on this year is the concept of self-love. Loving yourself before you let others love you, learning to be comfortable with yourself, and respecting yourself are concepts we should all value. It only clicked for me a few months ago when failed attempts at relationships made me realize that the ultimate relationship can be with yourself. Giving myself a year to solely focus on the things I love doing is something I felt like I needed in order to grow up maturely. Self-love is what I am working on right now.

I am trying to accept that I may not feel like myself right now but that I love who I am no matter the situation. I have to keep telling myself that this is a good start- a little different than I initially thought it would be but not bad. I am staying positive by recognizing that my happiness comes from myself. I do the things I love to put a smile on my heart. And I tell myself that I will be my "normal" self when the time is right but in the meantime, there is no rush.

Spending this time reflecting on how I have been feeling and what I want to achieve will help me see things in a different light. There is messiness in this writing and there is dullness. My mind feels like a mess and my thoughts feel plain. The direction of my writing is scattered but it is something so strangely comforting about being monotone.

How to leave these thoughts on an end note isn't something I am able to piece together right now. I have tried various ways to end this but it's hard to end thoughts in a matter of seconds. Here is to hoping that February is more enlighting in different ways on my journey of self-love.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

20 Ways To Be A Better Sibling

Since the day my sister was born, I have loved her endlessly. As I grow up, I realize more and more how important she is to me. Lauren has been more than a sister to me- she is a friend, a role model, and someone I look up to (even if she is younger and shorter than me). I know that I am who I am because of this girl. There are not enough words that can tell you how important she is to me. It is simply impossible to understand our relationship without seeing it for yourself because our bond as sisters is more than just words. I love this girl and the more I reflect on us the more I see that we are unique in our own ways- and I love that. I hope that she knows I am trying to be the best sister I can.

Siblings are such a special thing. The relationship you build with them will never compare the relationships that you construct with your friends. Love and appreciate your siblings each and every day and strive to be a better sibling.

20 Ways to be A Better Sibling 
1. Let them know that you have their back
2. Remind them that you will always be there for them
3. Be a better example for your sisters and brothers 
4. Value the time you spend with them
5. Show them that you care about them
6. Offer your siblings help when they need it
7. Give your siblings advice 
8. Be the person they aren't afraid to talk to
9. Share your knowledge with them
10. Hug them at random times
11. Encourage them to believe in themselves 
12. Protect them from the things that scare them
13. Hold their hand
14. Share more laughs with them
15. Tell them they are special to you
16. Surprise them with random acts of kindness
17. Ask for forgiveness when you mess up and make amends
18. Contribute to their self-confidence 
19. Give them space when they ask for it
20. Most importantly, tell and show your siblings you love them

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Before Seven in The Morning

There are a few minutes before seven am.
13 minutes to be exact.
In these few minutes, I let my mind spin with thoughts.

I think about how the day will unravel 
and I hope that it'll be good.

The fact is I haven't felt like myself. 
The person who is always excited about everything and kind to everyone isn't here
and that's okay.
For now, I am the shy person who doesn't like to be bothered
and the person who spends to much time thinking about what is going to happen.

It's been hard to think
and living in the moment seems forced when there are many eyes watching.
This is normal right? 
To feel so alone and lost sometimes.
Like a single daisy in a field of buttercups.

I keep telling myself that I will be okay
and things will pass and that until they do this is okay.
even if it feels a little wobbly
It's okay

Now there are four minutes before seven.
Four minutes before I get this day started.
I want to leave on a positive note.

Today will be great
think positive thoughts and try to enjoy the little moments of today
Love yourself for who you are no matter how "off" you may feel
you are still YOU and that is what counts.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

The Snow that Broke Records

The snow started falling on January 10th at around 16:00- My sister wandered to the window with the closed curtains and said that according to her phone it was snowing, her phone just so happened to be right. I took a peek into the outside and saw the world was being attacked by white flurries. Lauren and I talked about the snow storm with excitement as the snowflakes kept falling. Although we have gotten more snow this winter than any of the past winters, we were still in amazement to see snowflakes cover our world in a layer of white.

That Tuesday I had come back from winter break to start a new term. I had sat through two hours and 20 minutes of math then two hours of writing but all I could think about was getting done with classes so that I could leave for home. I had gone through my classes feeling very distant as I sat in my seat. So when classes were finally over I eagerly hoped on the bus and then waited for the train and eventually arrived home.

The news had claimed that there would be a massive snow storm coming our way Tuesday night and they couldn't have been more correct. Within a few hours of it snowing the news displayed where the roads were congested with cars and told everyone to stay home if you can. All schools from elementary's to colleges sent out a message saying there would be no school the next day. It snowed all night and into Wednesday morning leaving us with no school and 14 inches of snow to play in.

Sometime around 03:00 that night I woke up with a need to drink water and an itch to check on the snow. I floated down the stairs and made my way to the kitchen for water being careful not to wake anyone up. When I looked out the window I could barely believe what I saw. I saw at least a foot of snow and more snow falling. The image of the snow blanketing the world with a white glow in the middle of the night was memorizing. I stood in front of the window with wide eyes and a cup of water in hand.  After a few minutes, I carefully went back upstairs to crawl into bed and get more sleep.

Waking up that Wednesday morning was like waking up on Christmas day. I was eager to get out of bed and look at the present mother nature gave us but I was even more excited to get outside into the snow. Waiting for my mom and sister to get ready to explore the snow felt like it took forever. I willed myself to be as patient as possible. At some point, we were all tieing up the laces of our boots and walking out the door.

As I opened the door I felt the cold sink into my face and a smile from within grew on the outside. Lauren literally hopped from the doorstep into the snow. Seeing her laugh with joy after she landed made me follow her footsteps and jump into the snow too. With every step we took getting farther away from the house, our snow boots got covered in light snow. My glove covered hands took pictures of the trees, streets, and people who walked in the snow.

The second time we went out in the snow I left my camera at home so that I could fully enjoy the snow. Lauren and I walked to a bush that was covered in minuscule snowflakes. We looked at it for a while until a fun idea struck me. "Let's see who can put their face in the snow for the longest amount of time" Lauren laughed and said okay. Both our faces were shocked with cold as we counted to three and felt the cold freeze our skin. Soon we took our faces out only to see our faces imprinted in the snow. Sure enough, we stuck our faces in the snow many more times.

Time continued on as we all had fun in the snow. It was one of those days where you were happy to do silly stuff and pretend you were a kid again. No one worried about the next day or the weekend; all they did was have fun living in the moment and enjoy themselves. The snow brought peace to the world and silenced the thoughts of many. I was thankful for more winter break.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Miniscule Changes// 2017

What to expect on Simply Me this year:
    ~A blog that is more focused around loving yourself
    ~Posts that are more meaningful and better thought out
    ~A person who is learning to be more positive

Overall, I just want to direct my blog to be a place where you can read and connect with posts on a deeper level and at the same time giving my blog a happier tone. I don't know for sure where I want to go with the blog this year but I am hoping to be more interactive with everyone through my experiences.

The change shouldn't be too noticeable for I can't change the way I write or the way I think but I am hoping to include more posts about things the reader will want to read about and not just ones about my life. A large portion of the blog will still be about my life since the soul purpose of me having this blog is to write down memories.

The type of content I am producing now seems to be doing well which is why I am not changing much but I think there is potential to do better. It still amazes me how many of you read the words I write and comment on the thoughts I have (thank you) but now I am hoping to grow my audience a little more and make deeper connections.

This is my beginning and I hope you tag along.

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