Sunday, October 16, 2016

The Struggles I Face Every Other Weekend

Something I have struggled with is accepting my dad's girlfriend; something that is harder to accept is the fact that my dad is raising his girlfriend's son. My dad is not raising his own child he helping raise someone else's. He's done this in the past but unlike now the child and his girlfriend didn't live with him and I didn't have to witness him parent a child who is not his own. 

Watching my dad raise his girlfriend's son is one of the most difficult things I have gone through. I spend every other weekend with my dad at his house, the same house his girlfriend and her son share. We spend the weekends together pretending to be "one big happy family" a family of a father and mother and three children. For the most part, it's exciting and fun pretending to be a family but the fact is we are only pretending and none of it's real. We aren't a family and we aren't all happy. 

I am not happy to see my dad love another woman. I'm happy for him because he is happy but deep inside my heart swells with grief as I watch him love someone who isn't my mother- the woman he was married to for years and years. 

I am in discomfort every time I hear him talk badly about his girlfriend's son's dad, even if he is a bad person. The fact that he has another family and takes so much concern in problems that aren't his makes me feel something I don't like.

I am bothered when he parents his girlfriend's son. The little boy of eight years old being told what to do and what not to do at the dinner table by my dad. The same dad that raised me and didn't have time to raise my sister because he left. 

I am pained every time I hear my sister of almost 15 talk about how jealous she is of the little boy of eight because the fact is she was only four when he left and her daddy wasn't around in her childhood. He was not there to teacher her wrong and right, he was only there to love her endlessly until his time was up.

Every other weekend I take a train ride that brings old memories back as well as multiple feelings I have yet to sort out. I go to my dad's house to experience the highs and lows of my present and past situation. I get reminded of what use to be and what is not anymore. I go there to spend time with him and the people he has chosen to be in his life. I go there but I go so many places other places in my mind.

Sometimes, it's nice. I can go to his house and come home feeling like I got the most out of the time I have to spend with him. Other times, I come home feeling confused, torn, lost, hurt, tired, frustrated, upset and mentally abused- never wanting to return or see him again.

But no matter what, I always come back because I love him. 

The past few years have definitely had their ups and downs. Thankfully there are more ups than downs but unfortunately, the downs stain my mind more easily. 

These things are some of the hardest things to tell my dad. I never get the chance to talk about any of these things with my dad since recently I have always been surrounded by his girlfriend and her son and when I do get close to saying these things it never comes out the right way. 

Writting about the things that bother me always provides me with comfort and a sense of peace. I can take the time to think about what I am writing and reconstruct the words that are on the page so the story is built how I want it to be constructed. This piece of writing is raw, real, and straight to the point. 

676 words on this page. One huge decision: To share this with my dad or not?

25 comments:

  1. Wow. I don't feel like I could offer any advice as I have not gone through this struggle. I'm also a person who hates confronting people. But if you feel like you will never be able to have a relationship with your dad unless you say these things, than perhaps you should. It's better to say things instead of living in regret for not saying them, or for even having your relationship now become so estranged that you part ways, and he will always be confused and left to wonder why/what had gone wrong.
    Also, this was powerful; "The past few years have definitely had their ups and downs. Thankfully there are more ups than downs but unfortunately, the downs stain my mind more easily."
    I'll be praying for you, girl! <3
    XOXO

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    1. Unless you have been through something similar advice is hard to give. I just appreciate the fact that someone takes the time to read about the things going on in my life. Thank you Hannah, I know you are there for me. I think I will share it at one point or another. I am glad you enjoyed my writing. Much love to you!

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  2. Oh my gosh this post hit me so hard, I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. It's so so hard, I know. My mom got remarried after my father passed away and it's been the hardest thing to see her happy with another man. To see another man at the head of the dinner table. To hear another man telling my little brother what to do.

    Everyday I must choose to pretend, to hide, or ignore, but none of those options seem good. So I pray. Pray like crazy, and know you are not alone.

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    1. I can not imagine going through something like that. What you are going through and struggling with is so different to what I am going through BUT at the same time it is very similar. It is really hard to see someone who isn't your dad take your dads place. No matter what your dad will always be in your heart and no one can change the love you have for him. If you need anything, I got you!

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    2. It is definitely different, but that doesn't make what you're going through any less hard. <3 We both are dealing with broken families though, and anytime someone is in that situation, it's very delicate and hard to navigate. You love them, but jealousy and unfamiliarity is so so hard. And of course, there is so much more happening as well. I just always have to remember that what is happening is not happening outside of God's control. Ultimately, He is in charge and knows the big picture, even when we can't quite comprehend it. He is faithful, He is our strength. We are never alone.

      Anytime you need to talk, I am totally up for a conversation :) I absolutely adore your blog and admire the way you share what's on your heart.

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  3. Hey Vanessa. I will be praying for you. :)

    With love and all joy,
    Allie D.
    www.alliesblogdesigns.blogspot.com
    www.friendlovesatalltimes.blogspot.com
    www.sincerelyallied.blogspot.com
    www.spreadingmyjoy.blogspot.com

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  4. I believe that many adults think that they can find some solace in raising a child. When they may have not made all the right decisions in life or pursued the right opportunities for themselves, trying to direct another's life is an easy way to repent for those mistakes. In your situation, while it might be beneficial for your Dad to have this almost second chance with a family he seems to have adopted, it is truly devastating to hear that your sister has to suffer in seeing him raise someone not of his blood when his own blood could still use that figure in their life.

    Coincidentally, you are at the age where you can see the faults of other adults in their actions and attempts at happiness. This ability lends towards the opportunity you have to help guide your sister through the minefield of life and make sure she does get that figure in her life that will help her make the right decisions in life and learn from the wrong ones she will inevitably make. But she will have a wonderful sister to support her through thick and thin. You two are lucky to have each other during this wild time in the family life, because without each other it would be very difficult on each of your own's mind, body, spirit and soul.

    This is beautifully written and can serve as a message to all parents trying to start over again with a new relationship on how their actions may affect their original offspring. The way your wrote this puts the emotions and feelings I am sure children of parents who are at the age of understanding what is going on, on paper. It's unfortunate that you have to deal with this, but you're not alone. I experienced this situation, but was more embarrassed than frustrated with the awkward attempts by a parent to try to restart with a new family and give all the attention to another.

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    1. I hope that if any adult reads this they get a little idea of the many impacts it can have on their child. It's really not an easy thing to go through. I am sure it can be just as awkward for the parent... there's always a flip side to the situation. That is something I forget so thank you for reminding me.

      I am thankful we have each other- you are right, it would be extremely painful to go through something like this alone. More than enough times my sister had held my hand and had my back and now it is my turn to be a better sister than I am now.

      I am so content to hear that you like how this is written. This comment means a lot since I am a struggling writer. Thank you for reading and stopping by my blog stranger! It means more than you know.

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  5. This is so beautifully written. As someone who has never gone through this, I don't have much advice to give. But I agree with you: writing things down is definitely a good way to clear your thoughts.
    You are in my prayers tonight <3

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    1. Abby, thank you for reading this. I am not asking for advice but thank you for trying to give me some. I however and hoping people can share their thoughts! Thank you for being a friend.

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  6. I'm just sending love to you and your sister right now Nessa. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you both to watch your dad seemingly slot into this role that he was apparently not ready for when you both needed him the most. Whether you tell him how you feel is up to you, but if you're happy that he is happy and you do see a future for him with this woman (which can be a very hard thing to see when our judgement is clouded emotionally) maybe it is better to be glad that he has learned how to be a dad for this boy, at a time when he does need a father figure, or someone to look up too, than never ever learning the importance of being a father. It won't be easy certainly, and I'm sending you love that you get though this and I'm glad you wrote it out, instead of keeping it bottled.

    Love always,

    Anne x

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    1. Thank you. Yes, I think you are right about how it is sometimes better to just get feelings out there instead of keeping them in. I am glad the boy has someone to look up to but its bitter sweet.

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  7. I'm an only child with parents who are still together, so while I can't relate to this I can see that this is hard for you and I can offer my sympathy. I'm sure your dad has only good intentions and is trying to support his girlfriend and her family, but he might be forgetting that he has another family to support as well. I guess the only way to resolve this is to talk to him about it. This post might be a good way to start. I hope it works out for the best and that you get through this stronger.

    Ella

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    1. Thank you for reading my dear! I am sure that he does too it's just hard to keep a god mind set on something so painful but this post did help.

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  8. Oh, V.

    I have so many things that I want to say, but I feel like sometimes words across the screen just sound so empty, y'know? This hurt to read, but I'm really glad that you shared it. Sending you and your sister so much love. You know I'm always here if you need anything. xx ♥

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    1. I know what you mean. Thank you so much for reading that is all I need from you guys <3

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  9. okayy so i read this the day you posted it and i forgot to comment. *headdesk*

    but i'm telling you, the day i read this? i went to school, i came home, i went to violin class, came back, ate dinner and my life went on. but i am dead serious, this post was going through my mind that day. i was thinking about you and praying for you.
    wow...honestly, sometimes i just look around and WHY do these things happen? Why? It's not right or fair to be honest. The things in my life that seem so "important" paled in comparison when I realize that that's not what life is about. It's about living and loving.

    And Vanessa, I know I'm just another internet person, (:)) and I don't have the most eloquent words to say, but know that I'm thinking of you, and that more importantly, God is. He's always there, and He'll be the most perfect and loving Father than anyone ever could be. <3 so much love for you.

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    1. You are the sweetest. I have tears in my eyes right now. This post touched me in ways you don't even know. To know that someone I know over the internet cares that much about my life and my struggles means SO MUCH to me. Thank you so much. I love you so so much.

      I am not sure why these things happen but God does have a plan. This will make me stronger and I will be a better person. Live and love as many moments and people as you can, Autumn.

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    2. "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Lovely.

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  10. hey vanessa, i know i'm late in seeing this, but just wanted you to know that you're in my prayers and i really appreciate your sharing this. i can't imagine how difficult it is for you, but do your best to carry your cross + offer up your sufferings as you can. thanks for being brave & authentic.
    love, sofia

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    1. Sofia thank you so much for this. I love how you have said to carry my cross, it's something my mother says that I dont take seriously. I should take it seriously, huh? I will always be open with you guys!

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  11. Wow, that would be so hard. I think you are very strong to have gone through this and become the person you are today.
    I will be praying for you!

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