Sunday, October 23, 2016

I'm Not Sorry For Rambling!

There is so much going on inside my mind. SO MUCH. Lately, I have been a little quieter than normal as I spend more time with my head in the clouds as I am trying to sort out all my emotions and problems. Sometimes it's not even the problems or emotions that get to me- it's worrying about hurting people and being terrified of letting someone in that don't let me happily enjoy a moment. Like I said before, there's been a lot going through my mind recently.

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Little by little, I am discovering that relationships are not for me. Believe me when I say I would love to love someone and for someone to love me but it's not realistic for me at this point in my life. I don't have time for another person, I don't like the feeling of being tied down, I am too independent, I am nervous to let someone in, I run away from commitment- I sound like a guy right now. I think I just need a really affectionate friend. YUP.

Am I in love with the person or am I in love with the feeling? The feeling. I love the flutters that electrify your body. I love getting to know someone by talking for hours on the phone. I love dreaming of the things we could do when we are together. I am dreaming about a feeling and dreaming of you and me. I am deeply sorry for not being able to love you for you.

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I am in need of the meaningful kind of conversations that you think about for days afterwards. It has been a long while since I have talked with someone about something we both have a passion for. I miss the kind of conversations that could be neverending. 

When I was little I use to stay up for my dad to come home just so that we could talk about space in the kitchen while drinking hot milk and eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches. He also talked about life and the things he learned. I remember being in awe every time he talked. I listened to each word and every syllable like they were only going to be spoken once- like magic- there then gone. 

Someone needs to have a deep as F conversation with me while we watch the cars pass by and the sun go down at my new get away. 

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Let's talk about the new hiding spot. I discovered it today and it is darling. JUST PERFECT... FREAKING PERFECT. It's a medium sized park about 14 minutes from my house- if you walk. There are two playgrounds, a creek, and a few trails I have yet to discover. About a year ago I started dancing at tennis counts because it just works. THIS tennis court is on top of a building that's part of the park. From one corner it looks like you are in a tree house and in the one opposite you can see the freeway, mountains, and all the millions of orange coloured leaves. It's simply the best little place.

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I keep getting all anxious about the days to come and I am a very calm person. Recently I sike myself out thinking about the week and all the things I have to do for school and to get to ready for school and the people I have to socialize with and the awkward situations I am in and the people I want to avoid and ALL THESE DIFFERENT LITTLE THINGS!!! They just bunch together all and once and cause me anxiety. 

I am not an anxious person but I have been stressed by everything and nothing at the same time. Why do I feel like this? Someone, please help me. NOW. Right now I am worried about my first aid test which is multiple choice I make awful grades on multiple choice. I am also worried about not waking up in time, not getting enough sleep or what I will pack for lunch. AHHH. I NEED TO PACK MY SCHOOL BAG NOWWW.

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My sister on, the other hand, has her cookies together. She's an over achieving freshman in high school with a full bag of cookies. She is doing so well in school she decided to take honor classes, she's got the homework thing mastered, she has also got a crush and is crushing that, and she's volunteering. OH and her make-up is always on point. How does one have their S&$! together this well?!

I am really happy for her. She's doing well and making good grades and being happy all at the same time. Way to go Lauren! 

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Did I mention almost every time someone texts me I am slightly annoyed, why don't people call anymore? It's just plain sad sometimes. I am grateful you are thinking about me but I miss your voice dear! 

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Congratulations if you made it to the end of the long rant. Hopefully, you can learn a thing or two from my experiences because in all honestly, this is why I share what I am going through I want you to learn from me and know you are not alone if we are going through the same. Love you all and thank you for reading. 

ALSO there is a vlog on the blog in the previous post. Take a look and drop a comment if you have not already! :)

22 comments:

  1. Firstly, I just went and watched your vlog, and good on you for videoing out in public like that! I live in the country where there's no one around, so I can't even imagine doing that. :)

    Yes to deep and meaningful conversations. I miss them too; it feels like ages since I've had a conversation where there's deep-seated passion in our voices.. Anyway, I'm getting nostalgic here.

    I hope the first aid test goes well for you, and things calm down, so you're not so anxious (although I do feel you on all the things that have to be done, and socializing, and everything). You can do it, girl! And remember God's always there for you.

    I enjoyed reading this collection of your thoughts, Vanessa. Thanks for sharing so honestly! xx

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    1. No one around? Where do you live again?

      Nostalgic!! That's the word I couldn't think of hole I typed up that piece. Yes the deep conversations are missed dearly.

      Thanks, I am currently waiting for my test to be graded and I just got the ay okay!! I PASSED MY TEST AH I WAS SO WORIED ABOUT NOT PASSING. God is good!

      Thank you for reading- it means a lot.

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  2. You are so honest in all your post! I've really enjoyed reading this
    Amy xxxx
    Amyrosexoxo.blogspot.com

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  3. Prayers and hugs to you! Loved reading your thoughts!<3

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  4. Oh my goodness, don't apologize for rambling me dear!! The thing I love about blogging is you can just type out your problems and frustrations and EVERYTHING and still hide behind the screen, and all these amazing girls are there to just BE THERE for you and send virtual hugs, you know? It's so helpful.

    I wish people still wrote letters to each other; long, deep, flowery letters.

    OKAY my brother is fourteen and he's gets straight A's and works hard and studies like crazy and just totally seems to have his ducks in a row. I do not have my ducks in a row. I don't think my ducks are even in the same pond.

    I love reading your rambles x)
    <333

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    1. I am tearing up reading what you have said about your ducks not even being in the same pond, that's so funny and cute. You'll get the hang of it I promise!!

      Omg!! I'll write letters to you. I love doing that kind of stuff and you are the perfect person for that.

      Tats true. The blogging community cares to much which is why I am so thank you for everyone and you especially.

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  5. I quite enjoy your little rants to be honest. I like hearing about you and your life. I'm thinking of you as you go through this little whirlwind period. I totally relate- I can easily get caught up in all the stuff going on as well. I try to just remember to let go a little and go with the flow (but it's so hard!). Keep being you and staying true to yourself-- you got this girl <3
    -Vivian

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    1. Good to know someone likes them (; The title is a small joke I make with myself. Going with the flow can be hard sometimes! Thanks for stopping by V!

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  6. I love the rambling and I totally relate. It made me think of that saying "do you love them or just the idea of them?" I guess you have to find someone where you really know you love more than just the idea? I'm rambling too but relationships are really hard and I liked your thoughts! (School wise- it's really just a stressful time of year and I hope everything turns out okay.) ♡♡♡

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    1. That is exactly the saying I was thinking of too but the one I put up is a little more me. You really do have to find someone you love love love and love more than the idea. Good advice, thank you!

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  7. This post was so so good Vanessa! <3 It's so nice to hear you speak your heart. Deep conversations are always needed, love. And it's good to get rants out every so often! XOXO

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    1. <3 <3 <3 XOXOXOX Speaking from the heart is how I treat myself right!

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  8. We all need to rant at times. I can relate to the thing you said about love. I'm just not interested, tbh. And I always idealize the people I crush on, meaning they let me down when I begin to actually get to know them.

    I'm glad you found a spot to dance all to yourself! A good environment is helpful in every situation. Hopefully we'll see more of your dancing in the future...;)

    Ella

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    1. AHHH! Right, I expect to much when I have a crush on someone then I get around to talking to them and they are weird as can be! or boring as can be.

      (; I bet that you will see more dancing! <3 Thanks Ella!

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  9. I relate to this, especially the part about your sister having it all together, I wish.

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  10. I literally loved reading all of your thoughts so much! I've actually had a post like this drafting for a while, I'll have to get around to finishing it:)

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  11. Vanessa,

    The way you write is so vivid. It paints a picture of what your soul desires at the moment. Your post, and the ones proceeding this one seem like one long wanted poster for a partner.

    What is baffling to me through is how such an amazing person like yourself finds herself single? You seem like such a unique, phenomenal, and special individual. How the boys don't find you astonishing is beyond me.

    But perhaps you just have not met that person yet. That person who would enjoy every single moment looking deep into your poop brown colored eyes. Or give you the biggest hug when they see you for the first time of the day and surprise you with dark chocolate. Or is not afraid to write and mail you love letters that make you smile after every period. Or wants to sit in the tennis court with you while you dance in the rain and suddenly surprise you with the desire to dance with you. Or also does not like the feeling of squishy moist grass underneath them and the insecurity of slipping. Or really doesn't want children either right now. Or wants to remove your insecurities about your feet by complementing and appreciating them. Or someone who can give you your own space when you need it and be that friend when you need someone. Or someone to sit with you in your secret spot late at night and just watch the stars on top of the crunchy fall leaves.

    Perhaps that person you're looking for is looking for you also. They want to build a future with you instead of making you their future. Perhaps that future is closer than you think. Maybe that person is already in your life and you have just been overlooking the opportunities they can give you.

    Sorry, your blog makes me want to go on rants also! I hope you find that person when the time is right for you and that person!

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    1. Thank you for putting so much thought into the comments you leave on my blog. I enjoy reading what you think.

      That third paragraph is so well written. Every statement I read I am nodding my head at how right that all sounds. Yes, yessss, YES.

      And to think that this person is looking for me to warms me up a little. The thing is long term relationships are hard for me since I am so use to being on my own like explained. I just need someone who is really great at convincing me that they will make my life a lot better.

      Thank you for this. RANT ALL YOU WANT. My blog is an open space for you as well!

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