Wednesday, October 26, 2016

17 Random Facts About V


Every once in a while, I like to post a little get to know me post for specifically but not limited to new readers! These are one of my favorite posts to write too since I get a better feel for who I am through them. Keeping in short and simple...
1. I am not afraid of spiders 
2. I like hugs more than kisses
3. As of now I don't see children in my future
4. Good posture makes me seem an inch taller
5. I am in love with the sound of feet leaping across the dance floor
6. Dark chocolate is the only kind of chocolate I like
7. Walking on squishy and moist grass makes me cringe 
8. The other day I dreamt I had the  anatomy of a male  
9. I like tofu- a lot
10. I get way to excited when I get letters in the mail
11. I have always been insecure about my feet
12. I rarely wear makeup on the weekends
13. My middle name is Jacqueline and I had to google how to spell it
14. I want to know what it's like to be overweight 
15. I might participate in NANO this November 
16. My poop brown eyes  and the freckles next to them are my favorite
17. I hate naps

Sunday, October 23, 2016

I'm Not Sorry For Rambling!

There is so much going on inside my mind. SO MUCH. Lately, I have been a little quieter than normal as I spend more time with my head in the clouds as I am trying to sort out all my emotions and problems. Sometimes it's not even the problems or emotions that get to me- it's worrying about hurting people and being terrified of letting someone in that don't let me happily enjoy a moment. Like I said before, there's been a lot going through my mind recently.

/////

Little by little, I am discovering that relationships are not for me. Believe me when I say I would love to love someone and for someone to love me but it's not realistic for me at this point in my life. I don't have time for another person, I don't like the feeling of being tied down, I am too independent, I am nervous to let someone in, I run away from commitment- I sound like a guy right now. I think I just need a really affectionate friend. YUP.

Am I in love with the person or am I in love with the feeling? The feeling. I love the flutters that electrify your body. I love getting to know someone by talking for hours on the phone. I love dreaming of the things we could do when we are together. I am dreaming about a feeling and dreaming of you and me. I am deeply sorry for not being able to love you for you.

/////

I am in need of the meaningful kind of conversations that you think about for days afterwards. It has been a long while since I have talked with someone about something we both have a passion for. I miss the kind of conversations that could be neverending. 

When I was little I use to stay up for my dad to come home just so that we could talk about space in the kitchen while drinking hot milk and eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches. He also talked about life and the things he learned. I remember being in awe every time he talked. I listened to each word and every syllable like they were only going to be spoken once- like magic- there then gone. 

Someone needs to have a deep as F conversation with me while we watch the cars pass by and the sun go down at my new get away. 

/////

Let's talk about the new hiding spot. I discovered it today and it is darling. JUST PERFECT... FREAKING PERFECT. It's a medium sized park about 14 minutes from my house- if you walk. There are two playgrounds, a creek, and a few trails I have yet to discover. About a year ago I started dancing at tennis counts because it just works. THIS tennis court is on top of a building that's part of the park. From one corner it looks like you are in a tree house and in the one opposite you can see the freeway, mountains, and all the millions of orange coloured leaves. It's simply the best little place.

/////

I keep getting all anxious about the days to come and I am a very calm person. Recently I sike myself out thinking about the week and all the things I have to do for school and to get to ready for school and the people I have to socialize with and the awkward situations I am in and the people I want to avoid and ALL THESE DIFFERENT LITTLE THINGS!!! They just bunch together all and once and cause me anxiety. 

I am not an anxious person but I have been stressed by everything and nothing at the same time. Why do I feel like this? Someone, please help me. NOW. Right now I am worried about my first aid test which is multiple choice I make awful grades on multiple choice. I am also worried about not waking up in time, not getting enough sleep or what I will pack for lunch. AHHH. I NEED TO PACK MY SCHOOL BAG NOWWW.

/////

My sister on, the other hand, has her cookies together. She's an over achieving freshman in high school with a full bag of cookies. She is doing so well in school she decided to take honor classes, she's got the homework thing mastered, she has also got a crush and is crushing that, and she's volunteering. OH and her make-up is always on point. How does one have their S&$! together this well?!

I am really happy for her. She's doing well and making good grades and being happy all at the same time. Way to go Lauren! 

/////

Did I mention almost every time someone texts me I am slightly annoyed, why don't people call anymore? It's just plain sad sometimes. I am grateful you are thinking about me but I miss your voice dear! 

/////

Congratulations if you made it to the end of the long rant. Hopefully, you can learn a thing or two from my experiences because in all honestly, this is why I share what I am going through I want you to learn from me and know you are not alone if we are going through the same. Love you all and thank you for reading. 

ALSO there is a vlog on the blog in the previous post. Take a look and drop a comment if you have not already! :)

Friday, October 21, 2016

COLLEGE VLOG


As promised here is a vlog all about my college experiences, dancing, and other little random things! I hope you all get a good laugh and enjoy taking a look into my life. This was by far one of the most awkward things I have done in public but it has been so worth it that I will probably do another of these soon!

As always, thank you for taking a look at my blog! I appreciate all of you so much! I will be passing out virtual brownies to all of you and some bagels as well since that is about the only thing we all can agree on when it comes to food!

Love you all! Let me know what you think and if I should keep making vlogs!

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Just Wanted To Say!


Hi everyone! I just wanted to say a few little things.

Thank you for all of the support you have given this year! I had so much going on and all the love each one of you gave me helped so much!

There will be a college vlog coming up soon! Come this Friday.

I hope you all have a wonderful day! YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. I love each one of you and consider you all my friends!

Sunday, October 16, 2016

The Struggles I Face Every Other Weekend

Something I have struggled with is accepting my dad's girlfriend; something that is harder to accept is the fact that my dad is raising his girlfriend's son. My dad is not raising his own child he helping raise someone else's. He's done this in the past but unlike now the child and his girlfriend didn't live with him and I didn't have to witness him parent a child who is not his own. 

Watching my dad raise his girlfriend's son is one of the most difficult things I have gone through. I spend every other weekend with my dad at his house, the same house his girlfriend and her son share. We spend the weekends together pretending to be "one big happy family" a family of a father and mother and three children. For the most part, it's exciting and fun pretending to be a family but the fact is we are only pretending and none of it's real. We aren't a family and we aren't all happy. 

I am not happy to see my dad love another woman. I'm happy for him because he is happy but deep inside my heart swells with grief as I watch him love someone who isn't my mother- the woman he was married to for years and years. 

I am in discomfort every time I hear him talk badly about his girlfriend's son's dad, even if he is a bad person. The fact that he has another family and takes so much concern in problems that aren't his makes me feel something I don't like.

I am bothered when he parents his girlfriend's son. The little boy of eight years old being told what to do and what not to do at the dinner table by my dad. The same dad that raised me and didn't have time to raise my sister because he left. 

I am pained every time I hear my sister of almost 15 talk about how jealous she is of the little boy of eight because the fact is she was only four when he left and her daddy wasn't around in her childhood. He was not there to teacher her wrong and right, he was only there to love her endlessly until his time was up.

Every other weekend I take a train ride that brings old memories back as well as multiple feelings I have yet to sort out. I go to my dad's house to experience the highs and lows of my present and past situation. I get reminded of what use to be and what is not anymore. I go there to spend time with him and the people he has chosen to be in his life. I go there but I go so many places other places in my mind.

Sometimes, it's nice. I can go to his house and come home feeling like I got the most out of the time I have to spend with him. Other times, I come home feeling confused, torn, lost, hurt, tired, frustrated, upset and mentally abused- never wanting to return or see him again.

But no matter what, I always come back because I love him. 

The past few years have definitely had their ups and downs. Thankfully there are more ups than downs but unfortunately, the downs stain my mind more easily. 

These things are some of the hardest things to tell my dad. I never get the chance to talk about any of these things with my dad since recently I have always been surrounded by his girlfriend and her son and when I do get close to saying these things it never comes out the right way. 

Writting about the things that bother me always provides me with comfort and a sense of peace. I can take the time to think about what I am writing and reconstruct the words that are on the page so the story is built how I want it to be constructed. This piece of writing is raw, real, and straight to the point. 

676 words on this page. One huge decision: To share this with my dad or not?

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

College Week Three



Somehow, it's already week three of college. My math teacher, Suzanne, was not kidding when she said terms at college go by fast! Day one turned into week three in the blink of an eye, leaving only 12-3= 9 weeks of this term. 

Let's talk school *as we all roll our eyes out of our eyeball sockets* Seriously, you'll want to read this I have got some tips and stories that will make your day a little brighter. AND UPDATE ON THE POEM THANK YOU.

CLASSES
Painting is going to slowly kill me. Lies. It will kill me within the next two weeks if we don't stop painting objects in front of us!! That is hard stuff to do, especially when you've got the teacher breathing on your neck and the brush in your hand for two hours!! The homework for that class is hard too! This part makes no sense to me but the class work is not graded in that class, the homework is! I like this class but it's getting old quickly. I have already spent 3 (times) 12 hours in that class! 36 hours... no that can't be that's more than a day!!! AHHHH! 

MATH. Math is getting better... I think. The first week of classes I could not do much since my grandpa was visiting, and sooooo I got a 57 out of 100 on the quiz. WHICH the teacher was considered about because I am not a "good" kid in her class. Long story short, I was asking my friends about math and she thought I was deliberatively talking over her so she had to talk to me and the three other friends I have in that class. Now I sit up front to a guy named Brandon who is selling wine to the professor.... 

TIP: Don't sit with friends you'll talk with. Having friends in your class isn't always a good thing.

First aid is GREAT. WONDERFUL, SUPERB, JUST MY FAVORITE. I am not kidding you. The past three classes we have been learning how to do CPR, use the AED, and help choking people, as well as how to go about this kind of situation in a safe manner. It is great. I have met some awesome people in that class too! 

"My baby!! Oh no! My child, she isn't breathing anymore!" This is the line I get to say as I play the role of the over dramatic mother who is on a plane with her baby when she realized that it has stopped breathing. 
"Uhhhhhhhhh" That is the response my group member gives me as he tries to quickly sort out what to do. 
"Can you help me?! Oh my poor child..."
My group member comes to life "Ma'am, I am certified in first aid is it okay if I help your baby?" 
The whole time my fake baby is getting CPR I am freaking out in the corner then passing back and forth as they stop her heart with the fake but over dramatic AED. 
GOOD TIMES... 

FRIENDS
As for meeting people that's a little harder for me. I have made a few new friends that are girls, but they seem almost artificial which is not the kind of friendship I am looking for. Girls are hard to make friends with (I'll just stick with you guys!) HOWEVER. I have made quite a few new friends who are of opposite gender. I can see all the shocked faces. Somehow I am friends with a few of the guys of the soccer team. This is because of Juan who I happen to have met on the bus. I don't think he will ever stop teasing me about the 57 I got on my math quiz. 

I have also met someone who I genuinely like. He's a wonderful guy and I am hoping that he will stay around in my life for a while. I am proud of myself for putting myself out there. Thank you relates to us a lot. More of the story is there. Haha you all are so cute for giving me support and shipping us. 

ALL IN ALL, college is still going pretty well! I am excited to go to school every day and excited to talk to people who have more life experience than I do. I am also thankful to get the chance to learn new things. It is just so wonderful to feel the respect everyone has for one another at college and not feel the pressure of having to fit in. College is a success! 

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Design by | SweetElectric