Saturday, July 15, 2017

Poems




She cried about her stress
mad at the moon
happy for the stars
crying to the sun.

Lost In Orbit.
Flying like a butterfly
being like a rose
walls up as she went from
flower to flower
from topic to topic

Found.
peace in something far away
from her roots
little one helped

Helped.
by her, and others
will come out strong

Little Girl Lost
no longer lost
guided, found, hopefully
and pleased because she is
that butterfly
wandering ever so gentle.



I've walked along my blood
I have learned, grown, and become.
However, influenced by the nouns. 
They have driven me, taken my mind, and shifted my views.
My blood is not pure. I'm different.

I want to walk backwards. 
Take back, recollect, redefine me. 
Take off the mask and show what I thought I couldn't.
I must bare judgment for I will be stripped.
The only way is to move forward is to be 
cautious of the backwards steps.


Did you know, you inspired me to write?
Did you know, you made my day better?
You made me laugh, you made me smile.
I was lonely until you came and trusted
that I wouldn't hurt you. Three feet away.
Whom would have thought we'd be friends?


Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Welcome To V's About Page

Just me is my simple. Just me is only V and no one else. No one to tell me I can't do anything or I should think a certain way. When it's just me my life is Simple and that is how life should be! Simple. I also preach self-love and self-love is all about me. OR YOU! Simply Me use to be just a blog name but it's so much more now.

Simply Me is about Me. Who is V? Let's find out!

Cold fall days where the sun is the only thing that warms you. Spending time with myself and growing as an individual. Dancing alone at the tennis court. Lifting heavy at the gym, again, alone. Doing my nails when I am stressed. Finding time to write poems. Listening to mother nature. Being present in the moments shared with family, friends, strangers, and I.

Treat each human bean with the respect you would want. To listen to people when they need someone to lean on. Family first and before anything else. Hold your friends close and dear to your heart, friends can become family if you chose. Don't look back on the past if it isn't doing you any good. Don't dwell and don't worry about the future, you don't have any control over what happened and what will happen. God is good, and God will love you even if you don't love yourself. Love yourself first before anyone else.






Self-love is one of the most difficult things to learn to do but I can tell you that it is one of the most rewarding things to have accomplished on your own. Self-love is so important to me because it's made me a better person. Something so little and simple has a huge impact on my life and for the love, I have given myself I am thankful for. Self-love is something I will always talk about on my blog and will try to help every one of you achieve self-love. It is truly so dear to my heart.


People. Dance. Me. My family. Poems. Words. Self-love. Writing. Photography. College. Stories. Love. Friends. Adventures. Nature. Ice cream! Food. Pretty meals. Animals. Lifting. Running. Enjoying rain. Fall days. Earth days. Eclipses. The moon. The stars. The sun. The earth. The universe. God. 

I like hugs better than kisses. I am so independent that being in a relationship isn't something I enjoy. I have danced all of my life but have never focused on one genre of dance until college. College classes are so enjoyable. I rather date myself than someone else. I like myself if that isn't clear to you yet. Chocolate is my least favorite ice cream flavor, however, I love mudslide. 

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

I AM OKAY!


SO SORRY TO HAVE PUT YOU ALL THROUGH THINKING I WASN'T OKAY. BUT HERE IS THE THING. I THOUGHT I WASN'T OKAY TOO. BUT TURNS OUT I'M OKAY. I DON'T HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER OR HAVE ANXIETY.

I know, that's a huge shock after thinking for so long that I had those things. Thank you for your wishes and prayers, love, and support through that hard time. Thankfully your prayers got me through everything and I am okay now.

Scary to say but I really did believe I had those things. My mother, however, was a true believer in me and kept telling me that the doctors were wrong. Mom's are the best. I didn't understand what she was trying to tell me all along until I heard the term corticosteroid-induced mania from the doctor.

Long story short the doctors were lazy and diagnosed me with bipolar disorder just so they could enroll me in the inpatient treatment center but it turns out I actually just went into a manic phase because of a medication the doctors gave me for an allergic reaction. If you didn't make the connection yet here is it really straight forward. I don't have bipolar disorder and I am 100% okay and me!

Can't thank you enough for all the blessings that everyone sent me! Thank you so much! I appreciate every one of you so so much! Praying for each one of you. *

*Will still be touching on topics of self-care and mental health on the blog. Do not fear, that is still an interest of mine.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Too Tired To Come Up With a Title

IVE BEEN IN REHAB.

Okay, hold on. I know what you are thinking. WHY ON EARTH IS SHE SHARING THAT WITH US? Okay, here is why. BECUASE MORE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH. If there is one thing I learned while in mental rehab it was that having people who are there for you is important.

So, with that being said. Hello.

I'm V and I have anxiety and I am bipolar.

Let us help one another out. I'll help you by sharing the experiences and you can help me by showing support and love. Which a lot of you already did in the most recent post. THANK YOU ALL. LOVE YOU GUYS.

///////

I had been in the hospital for two weeks. TO SAY THE LEAST.  The first week I was there I was in and out of the ER and the second week I was getting mentally ready to tackle the world. It just so happens that I am home now. I have been home for an hour and 34 minutes to be exact. 

In that hour. I have awed at life and simply smiled because I got to shower, shave, do my makeup, and paint my nails. ALL STUFF I LOVE. Coming home after a mental retreat (I hate the work rehab, still.) has been lovely. The weather has been a shock but it's nothing I am not happy and excited about. A shock since I went from being in the air conditioned hospital to the apartment with no air conditioning. 

I'm about to watch the end of pretty little liars. I am soooo ready. I love this show and who is with me about that? if not... you have got to start PPL. WHHOOOP. Funny

///////

Now, it's the day after.  I am tired as shit. I sleep a ton and I don't do much. The only thing I have done today was going to the gym and lift. I think I am tired of seeing so many colors and smelling so many things. Boy was that hospital bland. 

Dream while napping: We wanted to take a one day trip to NYC just the two of us. My friend and her energy and me and my skepticism. Together we marched around an airport in clothes that made us feel like divas and tried to find a laptop too but tickets so we could go to NYC for a few hours and come back. "Are we really going to do this?" I asked. "Yes why not, we got this." The excitement was at an all-time high. But in the dream, we never found a ticket. We just went to jail and walked naked to jail. the clothing we took had set off a police hunt.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

WHERE HAS V BEEN?!

Ive been around. Ive been in the hospital  mending and healing my soul for about two weeks. Happy July!! And dont worry about me im fine just learning how to deal with recently diagnosed bi polar disorder and axiety. Its been hard but gods been with me.

July goals:

Learn to cope with mental illness- mental illnesses arent a joke but they also arent something thats so serious you have to hide them.

More posts on self love, mental health, and other deep shit- health and talking are important i know lots of you have anxiety dont worry about it. I have it too. Lets do this togther.

Love more

Love,
Vanessa

Monday, June 19, 2017

YEAR 20 HOPES

Hopes for year 20. A little mini checklist because these are the things I think I will have done and want to do in the next ten years.

I've got 11 minutes to think of these. 00:49

Hopes and dreams and everything else I want to do in the next decade-
-see some of my cousins get married
-spend time with Lauren
-get a job I could see as a career
-dancing minor or major
-going to the gym to lift. Muscle gains or some type of gains
-clubbing
-going to some concerts
-traveling
-visiting and meeting Stefanie in Austria (you better still be in contact
-having a serious relationship
-married?
-wedding (seems so unrealistic)
-making huge improvements in lives of my family
-moving out of home (can't live here forever)
-not living at home alone
-publishing something
-still taking photos
- actively leaning
-major photo shot
-posting better blog content
-being semi blog famous.
-loving
-finding amazing new music
-working lots
-paddling in Hawaii (such a dream of mine)
-having thanks to God.
What will I think of this list when I read it when I'm 30?
- reflecting the same way as I do

If you want to do these things now you will want to do them for your 19 year old self. See technically I'm still 19 because it's not 19:32 yet(; hahhhh. When I read this at 30 it'll have been ten years since ive written this. My biggest fear is that my blog will delete so I need to print everything. SOOOOOON. You better have done that.

It's 59. An hour has gone by now that I type this. Success spell check will go over this tomorrow. Getting my sleep now. Goodnight love -01:00


FIRST HOUR IM 20

A tear rolled down my cheek as the clock hit 00:00 and it became June 19 2017. I won't say happy birthday because as of now I was still in the womb but this is my birth day which is more than important to me.

I've never been this emotional about a birthday. Maybe it's a little bit of the long hours I worked the past two days hitting me or staying up to late mixed I. With the Rebel my cousins brougt me from Dutch but hopefully it's just because I am realizing that as I get older life is becoming more important. These words and thoughts may sound sound silly and stupid to read in five years but as of right now the thoughts are very important to me. I'm sure you are able to understand that by my writing, Vanessa.

I was born today!

My spirits are high. I have a feeling today and the next decade to come will be amazing. No doubts they will have thier struggles. I can see myself crying hard about something the the future that is really unfortunate. That's a scary and shaking thought but I gave a feeling that will happen. One of the best days of my life will happen in the next decade regardless as well. Maybe ill be married before I reach 30. God granting of course but the thought of being married in less than ten years is truly mind blowing. A lot will happen in the next few yeas.

I'm nervous but at the same time so eager. Of course I'll be taking life day by day because that's the only way to fully live your life but I imagining what life might be like isn't a thing yiu shouldn't be allowed to do. It's fun and nerve racking. Right now I think I'll be a teacher but who knows if I will get the official diploma when I'm about 23. I am certain I won't stop dancing or taking pictures or talking to friends I love and care for deeply right now. But who knows. Only God.

God. That's something I'd love to change in the next ten years. Faith is hard. I think I can happily declare myself as faithful but I'm not sure if I can label it. Sure my family is Catholic and I got baptize and everything to date through the Catholic Church but I'm not sure if I'll still be Catholic in years to come. Who knows. Only God. And that's the thing. God doesn't have a set religion. God is universal but religions aren't. Like the guy at the gym said he is faithful but doesn't declare it under a set religion. I am so thankful for that guy he opened my mind. The simplest conversation made me question everything in the most positive and impactful way.

Simple things make me think. I pray that doesn't Change in the next few years. I think by the age of 20 you are a good prototype of what you will be like for the next year's to come. But I'll admit this to you. I'm still naïve. I can imagine myself reading this year's laughing thinking to myself. Oh if only you knew how much you'd change. I can only hope the change will be for the better.

This is the conversation my mind wanted. It's perfect. I am in bed now on my phone- the blogger app and I am realizing how thankful I am to just be able to write all these thoughts down. Even if it's on my phone though text it's being written down and these are the things that count.

Vanessa, please done stop writing things down. Please don't ever stop. I'll be disain you. I am thinking about me reading this as older me and trying to think about what i was thinking about when I was wiring this. Here it is: fast car by Michelle Collings is playing. Your leg is bent and the other leaning against it. Your phone screen is pink. Your eyes are seeing the screen of the phone in the oddest way. You've got a fast car so fast it can fly away. The song ends and you think about what you are thinking about which is nothing because the thoughts cancel out and hwy 18 by Mark Diamond starts to play. Put all my trust in the light above us hoping it takes me home.

Who do you think I am.  Who do you think you are. Do you think we will be? Oooooooo this song matches perfectly with the mood right now. I'm thinking too much but come to think about maybe not enough but come to think about it I don't wanna stop just yet- the song. God knew this song was for me. I truly believe this was chosen by god. (Hahaha if I don't believe in God when I read this I will be rolling my eyes and laughing I bet) but either way I'm laughing now because of that side note.


15 minutes until it will have been an hour into June 19 2017.


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