when it's scary

Tuesday, May 21, 2019


when life turns to shit:

you must not forget to breathe
don't forget to fill your lungs with air
fill any holes
your heart can only handle so much
be gentle, be kind, be careful

i know it's scary, i know that change isn't comfy
it's scary
changes are scary when you didn't see them coming
when someone decides something in the moment
in the spree
there is no turning around
there are no second chances
there is no time for disapointment.

sometimes you must make the f***ing jump.

March 21, 2019

Sweetly, Hello from V.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019


My dearest friends,

It's been too long since I've sat down and written a blog post. Truth is, life's been so up and down that there hasn't been time to reflect and share on here. I've had time to journal, talk with a few friends, write the newsletter, get to know others, work, and do school related things but I have not had much time for me. Admittedly, the only reason I am getting to this post now is becuase blogging has been flashing in my mind so brightly I need to dim it down so I can concentrate on other life/adult things.

ADULT I N G- what?

It's a big f***ing headache. It's not what you think. Adulting in the world of V happens to be spending time on things that will secure my future. It's allowing more time to build a foundation so that when I build upwards there is less likely hood on falling. The ONLY problem is I don't know how to build the foundation without giving my workers back strain and other problems that will put them out of work. Pacing is fundamental.

Adulting, college, and work can all be shoved in the same box for now. I don't want to bore you by talking about what I can no longer stand to rant about.

This note plays a happy tune. I AM A BALLET INSTRUCTOR. My friends, the dream is fulfilled. I am teaching dance at a local rec center to 3-5-year-olds and it is the most heartwarming thing. It's a very new job (I am still celebrating) but boy, has it given me joy. I can't believe it has happened so soon in my career and I also can not contain my excitement.

Here are a few snippets from my dearest journal //

"We may never talk again but she made me feel smart and in the moment joy."

"We turned on Kesha while standing on the red bench, together we danced. Obnoxious for sure, but on a Monday at 10:59 it was the perfect mood boost."

"I mean those eyes. And smile."

"I am a unique person, it's unique that I think that. Cliche to say you are no one and nothing special, however, knowing you are truly are one of a kind is rare." No one sees that anymore in today's world. Maybe we are afraid to admit it becuase we know there are other humans hurting who might hurt more when they heard us say that. (Thoughts now.)"

"Feels like I'm high, all the colors and sound in the world are extra popping."

"There is something so beautiful about knowing this morning is one of the last chilly ones we'll have here in Oregon for a while. It's more appreciated becuase I now there won't be too many more days like this one." 

So, friends, I am around just busy hanging on for dear life. Hoping that this summer I'll be able to get back to all the little things that bring me so much peace. I can't wait for that. To not have school on my mind sounds like a blessing.

It's been sweet catching up. I missed blogger girl, V! Be back soon.

Tell me what you're up to!

Love,
V

A year after.

Monday, April 29, 2019

I wanted you to see me just so you'd see how far I'd come.



You were wearing khaki shorts, a black tee shirt, and sunglasses that'd I watched you put on as you walked by.

Those tinted lenses couldn't ever taint the feeling I get when you look my way.

I felt the look.

Depression's Strangling Arms

Sunday, April 21, 2019

Arms are placed tightly around my core, strangling me.
Oxygen is leaving my lungs with every scream and kick
I look like I am having a seizure in the arms around me.
Fatigue is peaking out from behind a street light glowing. 

His grubby hands toss me up and over
for a second my body is weightl--
my stomach crashes onto the rock of his shoulder.
The air I held in escapes me and Hope is taken with my breath.

One more kick.
Mud stained and oil traced pink Bangs kick into the core of the problem

A hand takes a fistful of my hair and pulls my neck back
Millions of needles are pierced into my skin.
The bee sting like feeling makes me yell out 

"FIRE-"

There is a fire burning in me as I try to stay hopeful.
I'm fighting to stay in situations that didn't make me 
uneasy before

My lungs are letting out screams and I'm sucking in large inhales that burn on the way in
Traces of oxygen keep the fire burning in me
Until I am out of Depression's strangling arms,
I'll keep fighting the hardest fight with the most Hope for living.


THE RELIEF

Monday, April 8, 2019

Yesterday, I could feel a knot in my chest. I could feel a weight pulling my heart down and a sirene making its way to the cavity of my lungs. Today, the ambulance has made it to my mind and has begun smoothing the anxiety, overwhelming thoughts, stress, hurt, and brokenness of my mind.
-march 9th

© Simply Me. Design by FCD.