Sweetly, Hello from V.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

My dearest friends,

It's been too long since I've sat down and written a blog post. Truth is, life's been so up and down that there hasn't been time to reflect and share on here. I've had time to journal, talk with a few friends, write the newsletter, get to know others, work, and do school related things but I have not had much time for me. Admittedly, the only reason I am getting to this post now is becuase blogging has been flashing in my mind so brightly I need to dim it down so I can concentrate on other life/adult things.

ADULT I N G- what?

It's a big f***ing headache. It's not what you think. Adulting in the world of V happens to be spending time on things that will secure my future. It's allowing more time to build a foundation so that when I build upwards there is less likely hood on falling. The ONLY problem is I don't know how to build the foundation without giving my workers back strain and other problems that will put them out of work. Pacing is fundamental.

Adulting, college, and work can all be shoved in the same box for now. I don't want to bore you by talking about what I can no longer stand to rant about.

This note plays a happy tune. I AM A BALLET INSTRUCTOR. My friends, the dream is fulfilled. I am teaching dance at a local rec center to 3-5-year-olds and it is the most heartwarming thing. It's a very new job (I am still celebrating) but boy, has it given me joy. I can't believe it has happened so soon in my career and I also can not contain my excitement.

Here are a few snippets from my dearest journal //

"We may never talk again but she made me feel smart and in the moment joy."

"We turned on Kesha while standing on the red bench, together we danced. Obnoxious for sure, but on a Monday at 10:59 it was the perfect mood boost."

"I mean those eyes. And smile."

"I am a unique person, it's unique that I think that. Cliche to say you are no one and nothing special, however, knowing you are truly are one of a kind is rare." No one sees that anymore in today's world. Maybe we are afraid to admit it becuase we know there are other humans hurting who might hurt more when they heard us say that. (Thoughts now.)"

"Feels like I'm high, all the colors and sound in the world are extra popping."

"There is something so beautiful about knowing this morning is one of the last chilly ones we'll have here in Oregon for a while. It's more appreciated becuase I now there won't be too many more days like this one." 

So, friends, I am around just busy hanging on for dear life. Hoping that this summer I'll be able to get back to all the little things that bring me so much peace. I can't wait for that. To not have school on my mind sounds like a blessing.

It's been sweet catching up. I missed blogger girl, V! Be back soon.

Tell me what you're up to!


A year after.

Monday, April 29, 2019

I wanted you to see me just so you'd see how far I'd come.

You were wearing khaki shorts, a black tee shirt, and sunglasses that'd I watched you put on as you walked by.

Those tinted lenses couldn't ever taint the feeling I get when you look my way.

I felt the look.

Depression's Strangling Arms

Sunday, April 21, 2019

Arms are placed tightly around my core, strangling me.
Oxygen is leaving my lungs with every scream and kick
I look like I am having a seizure in the arms around me.
Fatigue is peaking out from behind a street light glowing. 

His grubby hands toss me up and over
for a second my body is weightl--
my stomach crashes onto the rock of his shoulder.
The air I held in escapes me and Hope is taken with my breath.

One more kick.
Mud stained and oil traced pink Bangs kick into the core of the problem

A hand takes a fistful of my hair and pulls my neck back
Millions of needles are pierced into my skin.
The bee sting like feeling makes me yell out 


There is a fire burning in me as I try to stay hopeful.
I'm fighting to stay in situations that didn't make me 
uneasy before

My lungs are letting out screams and I'm sucking in large inhales that burn on the way in
Traces of oxygen keep the fire burning in me
Until I am out of Depression's strangling arms,
I'll keep fighting the hardest fight with the most Hope for living.


Monday, April 8, 2019

Yesterday, I could feel a knot in my chest. I could feel a weight pulling my heart down and a sirene making its way to the cavity of my lungs. Today, the ambulance has made it to my mind and has begun smoothing the anxiety, overwhelming thoughts, stress, hurt, and brokenness of my mind.
-march 9th

Death Drowned Her

Friday, April 5, 2019

Here’s the thing.

Living they say is precious and you should want to live it.

I think half of that’s bullshit.

Your soul is precious. This is just the world it lives on for now.

When one dies, does their soul die too? I’d like to think it doesn’t. That you move on to another place more lovely.
If beauty is waiting for you when you move on from this world, what is keeping you here?

Someone I knew was murdered.

This world made her soul happy. She danced everywhere and looked into the lens of the camera with genuine love.

Her life was taken from her.

She didn’t ask to leave this world. Someone chose that fate for her. They took her life.

Her soul no one could ever touch but her time in this world was stripped from her hands.

I can’t imagine the fear she held inside her as it happened. She must have been terrified.

How’s it feel to know someone wants you dead. What’s it like to run from death? What’s it like to try to hold on for life but be drowned? No one but her will know. No one will understand.

She must have wanted to live. She kept fighting so that she could dance, love those around her, learn, and grow.

If death is not staring you in the face, why would you chase after it?

Stay for those around you.

Shine your light upon those who need it.

Love the people who would be broken if you weren’t here.

Don’t dance with death if death doesn't dance with you first.


She is a reminder that life is fragile and it can be short
That we must live to love every day, even if it's not the life itself but the details

This is why I shouldn't touch my phone in class.
It emotes emotions I need to shove aside in class.


Lost she was. A soul dancing to heaven instead of on the dance floor in front of 
those who loved her.

I will always remember. 

in loving memory of Haruka Weiser
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