The Rainbow Behind You.

Wednesday, March 13, 2019


"Did you see the rainbow behind you?"
She stopped us in the middle of a faint conversation. The rain had just died down and the sun was peaking through the clouds. The rain had been dribbling through the droplets of the sun leaving the ground wet and the lake fuller with what keeps it alive.

The lady held a camera in her hand and looked at both of us walking. We had to have looked like kinder souls, or maybe she was the kindest of all, becuase she willingly shared the rainbow with us. She was like magic. I had expected her to pull out her camera and take pictures of us walking but she did one better.

I turned around looking in the wrong direction already. The story of my life. Here to my right was part of a rainbow it was almost invisible but I got to see it. The smile on my face was there and I could barely hold my excitement together. The rainbow lady just told me in a thick Russian accent that there was a rainbow behind me and it felt magical.

The little moments like that do it for me. She reminded me to look back at the rainbow and I know that can be taken into daily living. Allowing myself to see the rainbow- to even look for it. Becuase often times I am so stuck in my head I don't see the world around me. Beauty is hard to see a lot of times. It can be when there is so much shit on your plate. (Don't eat the shit!)

You need to remember to look back, to smile. Let yourself look for things that make you smile. Look for the rainbow. Look back for the rainbow. Maybe I need to imagine the better days and allow them to enter my life. Let them bring a smile to my life. It's never going to be easy. I am always going to struggle but a wise person shared a few things with me.

That in his struggles he has found the most clarity.

That everyone's situations are different and we must look at them individually.

And that if we go into every conversation with the intention of learning something we can't go wrong.

All which is true. Sometimes you just need to hear something to be reminded of something. There are tears but there are smiles to tint the color black to grey. Just hang in there. Get through it and be light.

I can find rainbows everywhere when I look. Sometimes we need a reminder to look for those rainbows and that's okay.

my hiding soul, you can't see

Sunday, March 10, 2019

you can't see within me
unless i told you how i felt or what i was thinking
you'd never know

i told you once before
i shared what i wanted and felt
but once was enough
you took those feelings and thoughts and
turned them into a blank canvas

i don't know what to tell you anymore
i don't want you to see me anymore
we tried that already
it's left me empty becuase you
don't help

you share your thoughts on mine
but i don't feel your understanding
maybe if i held on and shared more
there would be some miracle

but it's too late

you can't see me

i am a white canvas with a story under it
i am a blue sky with clouds as fine as vapor
i am the darkness of the night with shadows no one can see

i am a soul
with feelings
thoughts
and love

i fear you will never see me

brilliance is in me but I'm sad

Tuesday, February 26, 2019


"I am here tell you that you can do this and that I believe in you because I KNOW you can do it. I see the potential you have. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think you'd be great."

And he left after I had thanked him.

I went back to the front desk with the tear-stained cheeks he saw but didn't acknowledge. The tears fell as I tried to hold myself all alone. I was shaking, I couldn't handle it. I wanted so much better for myself but this is what I got.

So I left the tears to leak out of my eyes. I didn't care who saw the sadness in my eyes becuase crying was a step towards getting better. I was relieved to finally be letting go of all the bottled up emotions that were in me.

I felt so many things at that moment. More than sadness and disappointment in myself. I was hopeful and hurt, peaceful but enraged, and moved but still. I felt it all.

"You need to have a friend you can text or call at any time when you need something. Those are the friends that got me thorugh college. You are brilliant and you can get through this"

I thanked the blue eyes who told me that.

I thanked myself for being able to embrace emotions that scare me.

I'll be okay.

Purging Soul

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Last night I heard a sound that sent me into a panic 
the sound that plays overhead when the purge is happening 
the purge happened in my the deapth of my soul.

Purge: Rid of something or someone unwanted quality, condition, or feeling.


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Thursday, February 21, 2019


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