I TOO AM WAITING {personal words}

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

do you see the quiet that lives in my soul
the part that is afraid to tell you i'm not okay
because i don't want to see you try to fix something
that can't be fixed by you

i'm sure you've noticed a shift in my eyes
they wander searching for significance
the kind no one has but God himself
but even when He is standing in front of me
i can't admit i need the help

i've watched the trees lose their leaves
they tremble all winter long waiting 
for the day they are strong enough to
grow what they once lost back

like the trees, i too am waiting

i am waiting for the day
when i am strong enough to grow again
the day when my spirit blooms like the flowers
and the colors inside of me don't only shine
on the inside but radiate on the outside too

until then i tell myself that it'll get better
that people can support but never fix
that i must be the one to self-sooth my quietness
to listen to the thoughts walking in my head
and to keep waiting for the season

you, my dear, can keep walking by my side
as i hold on
while God keeps watch

and i tell myself to be patient through the quiet 

NOTE: I really want my morning to be longer. When I get in a good writing mood and find a home within the words it's so hard to tear myself away and get on with my daily responsibilities. Today, classes. I feel very disconnected from the blogging world. It's been a while since I've had time to read everyone's blogs. Comment and I'll make sure to catch up with you! Miss you all. and as always thank you for your love and support on my blog.


Thursday, November 8, 2018

I've been finding myself saying there is something to be thankful for every day and even if I haven't found it yet something will come along. This week has been a gem but not just any type of gem. The one that's hard to find but once it's found is everything you could have hoped for and more. 

Monday was alright, I got out of bed walked myself over to the shuttle and went to class. I took an anatomy midterm that day that I had been preparing for all weekend. After I took that test I had a gut feeling that I didn't do all well as I hoped. On Tuesday, I could barely get out of bed. The weather was cold, I didn't want to deal with the people, and what not. 

On Wednesday, I didn't want to go to class. I almost didn't go but am I sure glad I did. I got out of bed that morning to go on a run (something I enjoy) and hope that after doing so I'd feel okay and more inspired to go to class. Running that morning was a game changer. The cold air was pleasant first thing in the morning, and my body was waking up. At the end of that run, I got ready for class and headed out the door. 

In anatomy, I got a horrid nerve-wracking speech from the professor that people either passed or failed this test. There were not very people in between. OH GREAT. I sat in that class thinking I had failed the test. My grade is on the line. I couldn't believe it, that I might have failed. I was sad. But then my test got handed to me at the end of class. "Good job," the professor said. I ignored that until I realized that was my comment! I had passed!! And did better than expected! I couldn't believe it. I was so thrilled and proud of myself. I wouldn't have felt this happy if I didn't get out of bed. 

And then today, Thursday, came around, I keep trying. Stayed in bed longer than I wanted to, rushed out the door and worried about a teach back I had to do the rest of the day. I had to teach five students how to do a side lunge today with the rest of the class watching me. I was nervous. I kept hearing this little voice from my most introverted self to stay home and skip the teach-back. I couldn't though. I wanted to try. I wanted to try so that I had the chance. 

Walking into the class with the tables pushed away making room for the others who would teach a skill made me feel uneasy. But I was glad to be there. And the more I sat down and saw everyone there I noticed that it wasn't as bad as I had made it up to be. That I didn't have much to worry about. When it was my turn to teach I put on my confident smile and began to teach. I felt like I was dipping my toe into what it will be like to teach people fitness and I loved it. It was fun and I think I did okay. 

But this week made me smile at myself. I kept trying and that couldn't have made me happier with myself. So this Thursday I am thankful for trying. Thankful for giving myself a chance. I'm also thankful for the time I've put in studying because it's paid off. Thankful for being me and thankful to have found a gem.

 I am proud of myself. 


Thursday, November 1, 2018

Thankfulness Thursday has become one of my favorite blogging traditions. Grace Anne from Totally Graced started this blogging tradition a few sweet years ago! Grace encouraged others to share what they are thankful for on Thursdays throughout the month of November.

I've enjoyed taking part in this because it gets me in the mood for Thanksgiving. These posts also give light to the holidays taking them away from the commercial aspect by instead focusing on something more simple and pure such as the people/things we have in our lives.

I invite you along with Grace and I to post at least once Thankfulness Thursday post! <3

A Few Words From Grace Anne on Thankfulness Thursday:
Gratitude is something that we all could be better about practicing year round, but we're all reminded of it a bit more around Thanksgiving. Three years ago, in 2015, I decided to put a particular emphasis on taking note of everything that I have to be thankful for by starting a Thankfulness Thursday series on my blog for the month of November. The posts were simple, just short lists of things that I was thankful for over the course of the week. Since then, Thankfulness Thursday has become an annual tradition, with bloggers from all over the world joining in each November. The posts vary from incredible stories of God's goodness to mere sentences, the kind that are all you can choke out when your brain is spinning in a thousand directions. At the core, however, they all share the same message- on the good days and the bad, the easy and the hard, there is always something to be grateful for. 

I'm Thankful For:
An Understanding Of Wellness- I have come to the realization that there are plenty of people that don't have the privilege to understand wellness because they lack the resources or were never taught about it. I am thankful that to be learning about health and fitness and that I am able to apply it to my life. I think that without the spark of interest in a healthy lifestyle I wouldn't be where I am now. It's a crazy thought to think that I could have never been taught about something that's so important in my lives and the lives of others. I want to share my passion for health and fitness with others to better their lives! If you're interested in Wellness check out my Wellness blog here.

My Sister- She's the one person that is there for me no matter what. I am blessed to have a good relationship with my one and only sibling. She's hands down my favorite person and I need to tell her that more often.

November- I'm so glad that it's November. I don't know how we go there so quickly but we did and that's something to be glad about. Things are looking up for the rest of the year. The rain, freezing cold weather, Thanksgiving, sweets, and being cozy are all things I am looking forward too.


Monday, October 29, 2018

The queen of pizza, books, and all things INFJ contacted me about doing another collab together and I couldn't have been happier to say yes. MacKenzie blogs at Paper Pizza. Please take a look at her blog if you haven't because Paper Pizza is blog goals and everyone needs some of Kenzie's spirit in their life. She's the most wonderful human!

We decided to drive deeper into the mind of the INFJ Q&A style. Now here's the best thing about this post. It relates to everyone. I'm a human and you are too. Take away the INFJ and Kenzie and I are just talking about our feelings and life. So tune in for a relatable and down to earth chat.

How We Look At The World

Vanessa: As one big challenge. Are we talking about the world and all it’s people or the world and beautiful sights it has to offer? I think that the world is a place where you’ll find a little bit of everything. Good, bad and ugly and you can try to hide from all the ugly (I am guilty of trying to do this) but you won’t see the beautiful unless you step out of your door. I’m always telling myself it’ll be a challenge to get out there and be myself but it’ll be worth it because I’ll grow. I enjoy my home and the internet, okay?

Kenzie: I like to look at it from the outside as if I’m peeking into a snowglobe. For someone who has always had a lingering fear of the world, I do see it a deep and beautiful perspective. The world itself and the people in it inspires me... It’s like listening to a song that makes you feel like your heart is about to burst. It can be sad but also wonderful in so many ways.

Meeting An INFJ

Vanessa: I think one of the biggest misconceptions about INFJs is that we are shy and that’s all. Shy: doesn’t have a lot to say, won’t open up. That’s only entirely true... We are quiet at first until we find comfy grounding. Once we find we are comfortable with someone we will open up and share all of our deepest secrets with you. But note this is only if we find you trustworthy and for me that doesn’t happen to be a lot of people.

Otherwise, you’ll probably be a cared about acquaintance to us. We’ll listen to whatever you have going on in your life and you’ll learn little things about us. INFJs make great listeners since we care so much about everyone.

Kenzie: When you first approach an INFJ, the first thing you will realize is that we are very quiet. I honestly feel so downgraded when people call me “shy” because I’m really not! I’m constantly thinking which means sometimes I might forget to speak... INFJs notice things others may not. We take notes and listen. We are the listeners. And sometimes we might feel more comfortable around certain people over others. We are definitely more talkative and open to people we are close to over people we just met. It takes time to get under our shell but once you do, it is so worth it. ;)

Our Feelings

Vanessa: WHERE DO I EVEN START? Feelings are a hard thing for me to deal with and explain. Complex intense feelings is the best way I can explain them. When I feel something I feel it intensely. Happy is much more than happy it’s joyful, content, radiant, full of life, adventurous, and other things all in one. The same thing applies to darker feelings, making those times a real ride.

Kenzie: VANESSA KNOWS WHAT’S UP. INFJs are very intuitive and sometimes we may feel something so intensely and not know why, exactly. Trying to understand my feelings is like putting a very, very complicated puzzle together. We love being understood, so when someone can actually “get” what we are feeling, it’s the best comfort feeling ever.

Why Our Brains Are Always Talking

Vanessa: Because our mouths can barely do it so our minds must take the stage instead?

Kenzie: BWHAHAHA. Vanessa pretty much just summed us up. If we’re very silent, it’s most likely that our brains are having an intense party filled with every little thought you could possibly think of in such a short span of time. We think A LOT. We’re in our heads probably 100.5% of the time, either daydreaming about the future or thinking of all the different ways we could have done THE THING. The downside of being in our heads all the time is that we end up in a spiral of thoughts, leading to none other than the imperial doom of #overthinking.

Vanessa: YES! Couldn’t have summed thatup better!

How We Deal With Decisions That Result In Change

Vanessa: Let me talk about decisions INFJs make that involve others. We are very sensitive towards others which means when it comes to making a decision we tend to think about EVERYONE'S feelings. We truly want everyone to be happy so making those choices can be a back and forth battle between what will make others happy and what you think is right in the situation. We care too much for our own good and sometimes don’t realize we can’t make everyone happy.

Kenzie: I really like your take on this question, Vanessa. Initially, I was going to answer this by going on about how I fear change so my decisions are usually based on that fear lingering in the back of my mind... But I love how you said that our decisions are usually based on what will make others happy and that is so true. We typically look at how the decision will benefit the overall group of people rather than just ourselves. We care so deeply for others and I think it’s because we carry so much empathy with us. Many INFJs reflect the emotions of others- especially me. If someone is sad, I start to reflect those feelings due to my ability to feel for them. Thus, I feel like unintentionally strive to make others happy so we can be happy. (Notice how I totally went off topic from that question?)

Things We Wish We Were Better At

Vanessa: Dealing with emotions, talking to people, stepping outside of my house with confidence (kind of kidding… not really.) For real, a goal of mine has been trying to do things without thinking too much about them. Maybe that’s an anxious mind thing but I struggle with doing things without overthinking them.

Kenzie: This may not be because I’m an INFJ but I wish I was better at accepting the things I cannot control. I beat myself up when I think, “Maybe I could have done THIS to prevent THAT from happening.”
Another thing I wish I was better at would be maintaining my emotions and not letting others control the way I feel. If someone looks at me the wrong way, I end up thinking about it for the rest of the day. It’s just how I am.  

How We Perceive Relationships & Love

Vanessa: I’m looking for “The One.” and if you aren’t it I’m moving on!! It’s as simple as that. As soon as I see a red flag or something that doesn’t match up to what I am looking for I might as well break loose and move on. To me, there’s no point in sticking around if I don’t like how things are turning out. Honestly, I just want a fairy tale romance which is why I think I am going to stick to loving the characters in books. Kenzie are you with me?

Kenzie: I am totally with you, Vanessa. I’m a hopeless romantic so if my love story isn’t an actual love story then... *shrugging girl emoji* But while we are on the topic of love and relationships, I have to add that I’m the type of person who believes in being friends first. I feel like I have to know the person before pursuing them in any way. Another thing I look for in someone is how they perceive the world. I want someone who looks at the world the way I do. I need our souls to feel connected. Having someone who understands me (because, let’s face it, I’m extremely complicated) would be an a+ for me.

How We Take Care Of Ourselves

Vanessa: Life is a lot for anyone! There’s so much to handle and every little move takes thought and effort. Taking care of myself is about doing what makes me happy. That’s taking days before I get overwhelmed, pre-planning my commute, waking up early and enjoying my morning. Slowing down helps. I also have a made a habit of not doing anything school/work related after 8pm. My mind does not work at night! Ice cream and some journaling is a favorite when it comes to self-care. No one said taking care of ourselves was going to be easy. (:

Kenzie: Sometimes I’ll bury emotions inside me until one day I just snap. And that’s not good... So there are some things that I will do to take care of myself so that doesn’t happen. When I’m feeling anxious or overwhelmed, I usually try to take a step back and turn away from everything for a little bit. Sometimes if I’ve been out in a social environment for too long, I’ll feel a little temperamental so that’s when I basically put myself to bed. I’ll give myself some alone time (something INFJs really value) and I’ll do something I enjoy doing such as reading a cute, fluffy read or the webcomic I’m currently obsessed with. Doing those little things such as having a cup of tea, getting a little more sleep, or relaxing really does help. For me, it’s all about the little things. We are like plants. We still need our sunshine and water, even when we think we’ve had enough of it.


Sunday, October 21, 2018

I know Mondays can be rough. After having a wonderful weekend getting back into the grind of the week can be a challenge. I know this because I have been there recently. 

Last week I had a very difficult time getting into the swing of the weekday grind. Monday I was extremely wiped out after classes and didn't get around to doing any homework. Tuesday was fine. But Wednesday destroyed me mentally. I had wakened up early to finish homework for an anatomy lab and then after the lab, that day I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, and hopeless about being able to succeed in the class. Thursday was a bit of a flop too and quite honestly anatomy had scared me off from doing any school related things until Sunday. Talk about a mental roadblock.

These kinds of weeks happen! And it's alright. What's important is to be able to take care of yourself when these kinds of weeks get to you. Instead of worrying about that anatomy class all day I took myself outside and did a HIIT workout, getting my mind off the stressor. 

A few words to help you along the week:

Please, don't neglect yourself when things get rough. Take care of yourself this week! I know school/life/work can be difficult, time-consuming, and frustrating but don't forget to give yourself a break and a breather. You'll be able to accomplish a lot more if you take breaks in between what you are doing than if you sit for three hours straight. 

You are capable of moving past whatever gets in your way this week. Make sure you challenge your challenger as soon as possible, don't be like me, and stall for as long as you can because you don't think you'll be able to do it because you are able to win the battle. Kick that problem to the curve instead of driving your mind to insanity by letting it sit in the back of your mind.

Remember, it's you who is in control of your emotions, thoughts, and well-being. Start this week off positively and try to keep that outlook the rest of the week. It's easy to say, "Monday's aren't so great," but it's better when you can say, "I'm going to make this Monday worthwhile." It's all up to you!

You've got this! This week is going to be another challenge but it's nothing you can't handle. 
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