Depression's Strangling Arms

Sunday, April 21, 2019

Arms are placed tightly around my core, strangling me.
Oxygen is leaving my lungs with every scream and kick
I look like I am having a seizure in the arms around me.
Fatigue is peaking out from behind a street light glowing. 

His grubby hands toss me up and over
for a second my body is weightl--
my stomach crashes onto the rock of his shoulder.
The air I held in escapes me and Hope is taken with my breath.

One more kick.
Mud stained and oil traced pink Bangs kick into the core of the problem

A hand takes a fistful of my hair and pulls my neck back
Millions of needles are pierced into my skin.
The bee sting like feeling makes me yell out 

"FIRE-"

There is a fire burning in me as I try to stay hopeful.
I'm fighting to stay in situations that didn't make me 
uneasy before

My lungs are letting out screams and I'm sucking in large inhales that burn on the way in
Traces of oxygen keep the fire burning in me
Until I am out of Depression's strangling arms,
I'll keep fighting the hardest fight with the most Hope for living.


THE RELIEF

Monday, April 8, 2019

Yesterday, I could feel a knot in my chest. I could feel a weight pulling my heart down and a sirene making its way to the cavity of my lungs. Today, the ambulance has made it to my mind and has begun smoothing the anxiety, overwhelming thoughts, stress, hurt, and brokenness of my mind.
-march 9th

Death Drowned Her

Friday, April 5, 2019


Here’s the thing.

Living they say is precious and you should want to live it.

I think half of that’s bullshit.

Your soul is precious. This is just the world it lives on for now.

When one dies, does their soul die too? I’d like to think it doesn’t. That you move on to another place more lovely.
If beauty is waiting for you when you move on from this world, what is keeping you here?

Someone I knew was murdered.

This world made her soul happy. She danced everywhere and looked into the lens of the camera with genuine love.

Her life was taken from her.

She didn’t ask to leave this world. Someone chose that fate for her. They took her life.

Her soul no one could ever touch but her time in this world was stripped from her hands.

I can’t imagine the fear she held inside her as it happened. She must have been terrified.

How’s it feel to know someone wants you dead. What’s it like to run from death? What’s it like to try to hold on for life but be drowned? No one but her will know. No one will understand.

She must have wanted to live. She kept fighting so that she could dance, love those around her, learn, and grow.

If death is not staring you in the face, why would you chase after it?

Stay for those around you.

Shine your light upon those who need it.

Love the people who would be broken if you weren’t here.

Don’t dance with death if death doesn't dance with you first.

////

She is a reminder that life is fragile and it can be short
That we must live to love every day, even if it's not the life itself but the details

This is why I shouldn't touch my phone in class.
It emotes emotions I need to shove aside in class.

Murder


Lost she was. A soul dancing to heaven instead of on the dance floor in front of 
those who loved her.

I will always remember. 


in loving memory of Haruka Weiser

The Doors

Saturday, March 30, 2019



Dad marches his feet in place bending at the knees. "It has a lot of connection," he says as he nods his head and picks up a cord. "Leave it right there. This is good." His living room being cleaned along with the meloids of The Doors.
Riders on the Storm- The Doors

"THIS IS FAMOUS!" The jitters in his feet remind me that he was once a young adult in Oklahoma. He rushes to turn the music back up when it was turned down by a family member. I am not changing the music. This is great. 

My dad isn't one to share things about growing up and the navy but I can see his past flash through his navy blue tinted eyes. I am cuddled on the couch wondering what dad's experienced.
Break on Through- The Doors

I love when songs mention other songs. As we sing a song named Theatrical State of Mind we are going to mention someone listening to the beach boys. Ann Wants to Dance made we wonder who the artists singing this groovy tune was. It's the kind of Saturday where we are admiring the sunshine we haven't seen all year and drinking coffee while doing a little spring cleaning.
Papooz


The Rainbow Behind You.

Wednesday, March 13, 2019


"Did you see the rainbow behind you?"
She stopped us in the middle of a faint conversation. The rain had just died down and the sun was peaking through the clouds. The rain had been dribbling through the droplets of the sun leaving the ground wet and the lake fuller with what keeps it alive.

The lady held a camera in her hand and looked at both of us walking. We had to have looked like kinder souls, or maybe she was the kindest of all, becuase she willingly shared the rainbow with us. She was like magic. I had expected her to pull out her camera and take pictures of us walking but she did one better.

I turned around looking in the wrong direction already. The story of my life. Here to my right was part of a rainbow it was almost invisible but I got to see it. The smile on my face was there and I could barely hold my excitement together. The rainbow lady just told me in a thick Russian accent that there was a rainbow behind me and it felt magical.

The little moments like that do it for me. She reminded me to look back at the rainbow and I know that can be taken into daily living. Allowing myself to see the rainbow- to even look for it. Becuase often times I am so stuck in my head I don't see the world around me. Beauty is hard to see a lot of times. It can be when there is so much shit on your plate. (Don't eat the shit!)

You need to remember to look back, to smile. Let yourself look for things that make you smile. Look for the rainbow. Look back for the rainbow. Maybe I need to imagine the better days and allow them to enter my life. Let them bring a smile to my life. It's never going to be easy. I am always going to struggle but a wise person shared a few things with me.

That in his struggles he has found the most clarity.

That everyone's situations are different and we must look at them individually.

And that if we go into every conversation with the intention of learning something we can't go wrong.

All which is true. Sometimes you just need to hear something to be reminded of something. There are tears but there are smiles to tint the color black to grey. Just hang in there. Get through it and be light.

I can find rainbows everywhere when I look. Sometimes we need a reminder to look for those rainbows and that's okay.
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