Thursday, February 7, 2019


The phone line was dead for 47 seconds after we had shared how our days were. It left me with wonder. 47 seconds to imagine about where you had gone, what you had been contemplating, and what you were obtaining instead of talking to me. I remained in the silence of the connected unconnected call. "Hello? Are you there?"  I kept saying those words hearing emptiness in reply. Every second that went by passed like they do when I stand outside in numbing temperatures anticipating the bus. I wondered if you'd drop the call altogether or stay on the line to pick up eventually.  

Staying on the call wasn't easy. There were so many times where I thought I would be better off if I gave up and disconnected the last bits of connection we had. It would have had been easier to stop wondering when you'd pick up and start new with someone else. However, I couldn't tolerate the thought of putting the energy in for another call that could misconnect when I could merely try a little longer to keep the connection we had going. 

I lost some and won some by staying on the line that night. I lost more hope with every second father from the one we were last talking at. I lost sanity with every "Hello, are you there?" I lost little bits of myself while I thought about you. 

I too obtained something within myself. I won a new creative spark- one that was allured by the darkness within the night I waited for what felt like minutes. I increased knowledge about how to handle the situation and I attained back the connection that we once lost when I heard, "Thank you, for staying on the line that long, I'm glad you did."

That made waiting okay becuase I fucking missed you.


Saturday, February 2, 2019

I document a lot of my first's on my blog. It's where I feel the most comfortable putting words into the universe. Making actions into words and words into wisdom is one of my favorite things to do. I haven't stopped blogging. I said I would, but I didn't. Blogging is too dear to me to put on the backburner.

February first was too wonderful to write about one the day of. It started off in Burning Youths group chat, talking about our weekends and throwing glitter in the forest. (I am in love with the idea) I went to an optional lab at college, then went to lift weights. Once home, I ate, talked to my mother, cleaned, then head out to see my friend Zulu for coffee.

Zulu is a new addition to my inner circle of friends. She is a darling. Her company is like a coffee with cream and sugar. She's sweet but also has a kick to her, as coffee does. I've learned a lot from her. Her insight on life, family, and school inspires me to do better and be better. Friday have been our days for the last five weeks. I've seen her four of those weeks.

This girl is the sunshine in the clouds.

She's a poem.

After seeing her, I went to the gym and met a friend, Z. He happens to be a companion. I care about him like I care about my sister and am as comfortable around him as I have been with anyone recently. He is special to me and also a new addition in the inner circle. He has welcomed me into his life and reassured me that he isn't going anywhere, he makes me feel safe, and cares for me like no other guy has.

He is a caretaker to the world. Spending time helping others who need it. All I want is for him to know I will try to care for him like he cares for others. Since Tuesday I've been jealous of the older adults in a memory care unit that spends their days being taken care by him. He's a significant other in my life.

These two people had made February first a day to remember. Zulu gives me her endless love and support and Zeph gives me care and comfort. My two Zs. These people have changed me for the better and have helped me in life. If I needed anything coming to them would be okay. February first
is the day I realized that they aren't going anywhere. They will be in my life for a long while. They will and I don't have to worry about not getting help, or them leaving my side.

For this is a feeling that doesn't come often. I am blessed and thankful for two very amazing humans to be in my life.


Thursday, January 31, 2019

i feel my body shiver when i think about how beautiful life is.
why would anyone want to leave this earth.
i'll admit that if my time came soon, i'd be okay with leaving
but that's because i have shared my story with you, i have put myself out there for others
i smile about making an impact, and i know i'll be remembered.
but why would you want to leave this world if you have not lived.

there's so much out there.
hope, fate, will, determination, unknown things.
there's a life to be lived.

there are people to meet
someone who could change your world
someone who could bring you light
someone who could change your views
don't let yourself think that THIS is all there is

there is more.

smiles, coffee, friendly arms, safe hugs, trees, and mountins.
Faces and voices, summer sun and ocean tides. Red hair and blue eyes,
music, art, lights, stars, bright moons.

there is so much out there for you.

why give up now?

S T A Y,


Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Dear universe,

Why are you challenging me? Pushing me? Testing my limits? Asking more of me? Where is it you want me to get in the end? Where are we going? I hope it’s something wonderful. I feel like I deserve something wonderful.

I’ve never written something to read out loud all my writing is for me. It’s for others to learn from, it’s for others to think about. I want to inspire others to move forward but how can I do that when I feel like a burning fire? I’ve sat in the fire, crusting for too long.

I’ve never been 100 percent honest with someone about everything in my life but I know it’s time. I want to grow, I do. I know it’s hard to do, takes time, but if I put myself out there in the safest of spaces maybe I will teach someone something or better yet, learn about myself. I want to know there’s a chance for me to be better than I am right now.

Right now I am someone who is friendly, approachable, helpful, and kind. I have been those things at my worst times. In the summer of 2017 when I had drug-induced mania I kept those core values running through my veins in the hallways of the mental ward. I talked to the broken with hope and the soul dying with dignity. It was the most memorable time in my life. Being in a situation like that changed who I am in a good way. I know it helped me grow. As uncomfortable as I was sleeping on a plastic bed or in the hallways of the ward where the angels watched over me I knew deep within I would get through it. I would come out better than I came in.

And I did.

My last therapist told me that I am a caregiver. I never thought about myself like that but it made sense to me. She told me I put family first, that I am strong, kind, and a wonderful human. She also told me I needed to work on being assertive, more opinionated, and open to doing things on my own. She was not wrong. She helped me through life.

With a little push, I found out I wanted to enroll in the exercise science program at PCC. Spring term I changed schools and worked my butt off until I felt like there was too much going on in my life to go on.  At one point I got so overwhelmed trying to deal with a social life and school and family that I dropped anatomy and intro to fit tech careers. This was because I needed to focus on me. It wasn’t easy to fail but sometimes the first attempt at learning doesn’t work.

In fall, depression, anxiety, and I passed all my classes with an A. The same happened in Summer. I proved to myself that I can do it. No matter what happens to my mental state I will not let it fuck up school. I will not let it mess up where I want to go. School is a stepping stone in my journey.

I am here because I do not feel okay. I am scared of taking steps forward but then falling back into depression again. I have anxiety colored butterflies in my tummy worrying me about becoming panic. I had a panic attack on the bus last Thursday. That was the tipping point. Tipping Thursday.

I know I am strong. I value myself. I am loved and cared for and I am enough.

I am Vanessa, some call me V.

Simple and sweet.

You are loved. You are not alone. You have others and God. Trust me I will be okay and so will you, have faith. Everything will be okay. Email me if you want or need to talk


Sunday, January 6, 2019

You all! It's time to find out who won the giveaway! I am typing this out before I enter the names so it will be just as surprising for you as it is for me! Let's do this! Thank you all for entering and subscribing to the newsletter! I appreciate the love and support! Fun news! I have 47 people signed up now! I am so excited about that. Three weeks and so much progress.


.......wait....... let me figure how to enter names.....




Okay, I will be emailing you! Thank you for entering!

Here are some life updates!

ZANZ came out with a new album and I love it. OMG. It's so good.

WINTER TERM STARTS TOMORROW. I am so excited. I've been out of school for too long.(THREE WEEKS!) I just want to study and learn! I am so pumped to see my people, learn, and go on study dates. School has been much anticipated for since the start of break. I am going to go to bed early so it feels like tomorrow comes sooner. Is the weirdest thing? I am just ready to learn. That's the best feeling ever.

ON A REAL SERIOUS NOTE. My depression and anxiety have faded. It leaves me with a little uneasy because in the back of my mind lies the fear of falling back into depression and an anxious state again. I need to learn to live the moment and appreciate being okay when I am instead of worrying.

If it comes back it comes back. Not like I haven't dealt with it before. Do any of you relate to this? I don't want it to come back but it's always in the back of my mind when I am in the first stages of being depression and anxiety free. It's awful!

But in more postive light! I am good!!

I HAVE BEEN WORKING OUT! Worked out the last six days straight. It was amazing. I am always laughing at how many cute people there are at the gym. I won't lie. I am a show off so anytime I want to impress a cutie I am doing something a little out there. Makes me laugh and everything. I just have a good time being obxious when I am not depressed af.



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