If you are stuggling. You need to read this.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Dear universe,

Why are you challenging me? Pushing me? Testing my limits? Asking more of me? Where is it you want me to get in the end? Where are we going? I hope it’s something wonderful. I feel like I deserve something wonderful.

I’ve never written something to read out loud all my writing is for me. It’s for others to learn from, it’s for others to think about. I want to inspire others to move forward but how can I do that when I feel like a burning fire? I’ve sat in the fire, crusting for too long.

I’ve never been 100 percent honest with someone about everything in my life but I know it’s time. I want to grow, I do. I know it’s hard to do, takes time, but if I put myself out there in the safest of spaces maybe I will teach someone something or better yet, learn about myself. I want to know there’s a chance for me to be better than I am right now.

Right now I am someone who is friendly, approachable, helpful, and kind. I have been those things at my worst times. In the summer of 2017 when I had drug-induced mania I kept those core values running through my veins in the hallways of the mental ward. I talked to the broken with hope and the soul dying with dignity. It was the most memorable time in my life. Being in a situation like that changed who I am in a good way. I know it helped me grow. As uncomfortable as I was sleeping on a plastic bed or in the hallways of the ward where the angels watched over me I knew deep within I would get through it. I would come out better than I came in.

And I did.

My last therapist told me that I am a caregiver. I never thought about myself like that but it made sense to me. She told me I put family first, that I am strong, kind, and a wonderful human. She also told me I needed to work on being assertive, more opinionated, and open to doing things on my own. She was not wrong. She helped me through life.

With a little push, I found out I wanted to enroll in the exercise science program at PCC. Spring term I changed schools and worked my butt off until I felt like there was too much going on in my life to go on.  At one point I got so overwhelmed trying to deal with a social life and school and family that I dropped anatomy and intro to fit tech careers. This was because I needed to focus on me. It wasn’t easy to fail but sometimes the first attempt at learning doesn’t work.

In fall, depression, anxiety, and I passed all my classes with an A. The same happened in Summer. I proved to myself that I can do it. No matter what happens to my mental state I will not let it fuck up school. I will not let it mess up where I want to go. School is a stepping stone in my journey.

I am here because I do not feel okay. I am scared of taking steps forward but then falling back into depression again. I have anxiety colored butterflies in my tummy worrying me about becoming panic. I had a panic attack on the bus last Thursday. That was the tipping point. Tipping Thursday.

I know I am strong. I value myself. I am loved and cared for and I am enough.

I am Vanessa, some call me V.

Simple and sweet.
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You are loved. You are not alone. You have others and God. Trust me I will be okay and so will you, have faith. Everything will be okay. Email me if you want or need to talk
-vanessa

GIVEAWAY WINNER + LIFE UPDATES

Sunday, January 6, 2019

You all! It's time to find out who won the giveaway! I am typing this out before I enter the names so it will be just as surprising for you as it is for me! Let's do this! Thank you all for entering and subscribing to the newsletter! I appreciate the love and support! Fun news! I have 47 people signed up now! I am so excited about that. Three weeks and so much progress.

WHO IS THE WINNER V?

.......wait....... let me figure how to enter names.....

OKAYYYY!

MCKENZIE!!!

YAY!




Okay, I will be emailing you! Thank you for entering!

Here are some life updates!

ZANZ came out with a new album and I love it. OMG. It's so good.

WINTER TERM STARTS TOMORROW. I am so excited. I've been out of school for too long.(THREE WEEKS!) I just want to study and learn! I am so pumped to see my people, learn, and go on study dates. School has been much anticipated for since the start of break. I am going to go to bed early so it feels like tomorrow comes sooner. Is the weirdest thing? I am just ready to learn. That's the best feeling ever.

ON A REAL SERIOUS NOTE. My depression and anxiety have faded. It leaves me with a little uneasy because in the back of my mind lies the fear of falling back into depression and an anxious state again. I need to learn to live the moment and appreciate being okay when I am instead of worrying.

If it comes back it comes back. Not like I haven't dealt with it before. Do any of you relate to this? I don't want it to come back but it's always in the back of my mind when I am in the first stages of being depression and anxiety free. It's awful!

But in more postive light! I am good!!

I HAVE BEEN WORKING OUT! Worked out the last six days straight. It was amazing. I am always laughing at how many cute people there are at the gym. I won't lie. I am a show off so anytime I want to impress a cutie I am doing something a little out there. Makes me laugh and everything. I just have a good time being obxious when I am not depressed af.

BREAK. Was so good. FRIENDS// COFFEE// TALKS// RAOD TRIP// AT HOME VISITS// SISTER// LATTES// GYM// DADS HOUSE// WRITING// NEW YEARS// READING// MAKING FOOD// TRYING FOOD// CHICKEN// SMOOTHIES// COOKING// BREAKFAST (I NEED THIS ONE IN DOUBLE CAPS// WAFFLES// HEARTS// BLOGS// ISABELLE// JAMIE// CLARK// BRYANNA// GERARDO// ZULU

I MISS YOU ALL! I AM STILL READING BLOGS! DO NOT WORRY!

WELLNESS NEWS LETTER!

SIGNING OFF BLOGGER? + GIVEAWAY

Sunday, December 16, 2018


I love you all so much for sticking with me the last few years. Getting to know each of you and seeing everyone grow has been so special to me! I am beyond grateful for each of you. Hold on while I have an emotional breakdown.

2019 brings a lot of new and exciting things for me and you. However, for me to grow this grand idea of mine I have to sign off blogger more often. I am going to putting my time and effort into different things.

I am not leaving this blog I just won't be blogging as much as I have in the past. I have to say it's going to be a difficult change. I have been blogging since 2013 and for the past two years, I have blogged almost every week. That's a lot of time and effort put into my blog. I am going to miss blogging and everything it has given me but the change I am making is going to help m grow my audience and number of people I can reach out too.

What is this grand project?

I am starting a wellness newsletter!

This has been something I have been wanting to put together for a while now but never had the time. I am so excited to grow my audience beyond bloggers. I want to inspire others to strive for wellness in their lives. I also want others to know they have the potential to be much more than they are already. There are so many topics I want to talk about in these emails. They go out every Monday!


In order to get this project started, I need help and that's where the GIVEAWAY comes in. I am giving away a 15 dollar Barnes and Noble gift card! All you need to do to enter the giveaway is subscribe to my newsletter.

SUBSCRIBE HERE!!!

The winner will be chosen by random on December 30th.

Tell your friends about this giveaway and have them subscribe to my newsletter. We're going to kick off 2019 with wellness in our minds and hearts.

Because I love you all, you're the first to know about this giveaway! You'll see it pop up on Instagram as well but have no worries once you've entered here you won't need to enter on Instagram! ALSOOO Because you're a blog reader you get two entries when I raffle. :)


Next post will announce the winner of the giveaway! Thank you for all your support! <3

MY ANXIETY TIPS

Monday, December 10, 2018

1// Don't let what you are anxious about sit in the back of your mind
Is the project that's due two weeks from now or the phone call you have to make at some point in your day making you anxious? If you are anything like me you'll think about those things non-stop until you do them! These are the kinds of tasks that sit in your mind and make one anxious. You think about doing them and you try to not think about not doing them.

Let me tell you something, my friend. You can stop worrying about these tasks as soon as you start them. My best advice is to do it! Start that assignment you've been putting off and you'll realize it's not as bad as your mind's hyping it up to be. As soon as you start the task that is giving you anxiety your anxiousness will be relived! It's as simple as that.

2// Be positive proactive in your thoughts.
It's easier to let your thoughts be negative. It's so much easier. Sometimes when we get anxious all we hear are the negative thoughts passing through our minds. Phrases like, "I can't" "I suck." and "I am not good enough" can be on reply when you're caught up in anxiety but please don't let those be the only thoughts you hear! Remind yourself that you can and that you will. It's going to be okay and it's never as bad as you think it'll be. We have a tendency to let the negative overweight the positive when situations get rough but just because we feel a certain way doesn't mean it's true!

3// Get some sleep!
My creative friend! I know you don't sleep because of your minds always busy but sleep is your friend, not a time consumer. Let your body rest and repair it's self so it can function tomorrow! A sleepless brain is an anxious one and that's not ideal. Get some Z's!

4// Exercise
My all-time favorite anxiety relief. I know that working out isn't always a go-to anxiety relief but trust me it works wonders. Physiologist are now expected to ask their patients about exercise and if they are getting the proper amounts. It's a leading key to a healthy mind. So exercise. You don't have to hit the weights and workout so hard your dripping in sweat you just need to get moving in ways that make you feel good. Walks, yoga, dance, and bodyweight exercises are a few great examples for a moderate workout. Let your body workout its anxiety! (See the pun?)

Liked this post? Then you're about to LOVE what I have coming for you!
The start of 2019 holds...
A wellness newsletter by me
and a giveaway to promote the newsletter!

SOME THOUGHTS

Thursday, November 29, 2018


Hello friend. Pick a topic and let me know what you think in the comments. Thanks for reading this somewhat ranty post.

PEOPLE WHO VANISH
I've known a fair amount of people who have been important in my life then walk right out of it with no explanation or goodbye and I am always left with so many questions about why.

These people were as significant to me as they could be and we had developed the kind of relationship that doesn't let you question whether if they'll stick around because there's no question that they will be around-- that is until they aren't. I wonder about these souls. Where they have gone? What happened? Why they left without saying goodbye?

I wonder if they couldn't say goodbye because it was too uncomfortable or maybe it was because I didn't mean as much as I thought I did to them. It's a giant circle of questions that spins in my head when it comes to these people. I miss the feelings they gave me when I was around them. I am heartbroken they left but part of me knows that it's just faith. Bright stars have to fade to let others shine, sometimes.

I still have so many questions for these people. If I were to talk to them again I'd ask all the questions I'd been asking myself.

AM I SELFISH// LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS 
The other day I asked myself why I haven't been in a serious relationship. A few reasons why but it ultimately came down to the fact I am selfish. I enjoy spending time on my own, I love my independence, space, being creative and being myself when no one's around. I am 100 percent me when it's just myself and I.

To care for another human takes effort. It takes commitment, will, responsibility. I can barely hang in there when it comes to friends. How am I supposed to let another human into my life? Let them love me and care for me. I can love and care for myself! (wow independence wow) I have school and I have limited time. 

Don't get me wrong I would love to grow a connection with someone and get married. The pressure to do that is everywhere all the time but now isn't the time. Even though my mother loves to joke about setting me up with one of her friend's sons, or the guy at church, I don't think she seriously wants that for me in my life right now. 

And I don't actually want that right now either. So why'd I start talking to someone I met recently who I know things aren't going to work out with? I don't know. Part of me needs to branch out to remind myself of all the reasons I can't start a relationship with someone. Part of me just wants a hug? Sure. 

It's a messy and complicated thing but I am a mess and I like myself so I am gonna love myself by being with myself. I'm dating myself. Can't hurt me that way, you wishful thinking vanishing souls.

SILVER LINING + ANXIETY 
There are so many negative experiences in life that you have to see the silver lining in them. Anxiety, for the longest time, has been the hardest thing for me to see the silver lining in. It's the thing that holds me back from doing what I want to do and it's the feeling that makes me want to hide. It limits me. It makes me feel like a whole different person and it's hard to see good in someone I am not comfortable being.

But, the other day on my ride back from class post-midterm week I saw the good anxiety had done for me. Anxiety had made me a responsible student/ It allowed me to stick to a schedule, study the things I was anxious about, and practice the presentations I biting my nails about. All the anxiety forced me to be a little more focused and study a little harder. The outcome of that was one I hadn't realized would happen until I took some tests, taught in front of the class, and wrote some essays. 

The good in anxiety was the focus and determination to not fail at the one thing I was in control of, school. And although I missed a few days because getting out of bed and into the world was hard I still managed to do alright. It's a little too early to say I succeeded in the term but I already feel like I won one battle. The one that's always in my head. 

So even though anxiety is a pain in the ass I guess I won't mind a little nudging me to get assignments and homework done now that I can see some advantage to it. 

ICE CREAM
It's never not in the freezer of my household. RIght now we have a lovely blend of rocky road that doesn't do badly as a hot cocoa topping. I just love ice cream. Now, no one is going to get fat off eating their favorite treat once in a while, so I say do it. Treat yourself.

Icecream is my comfort food. I'll admit that!! The people who leave out of nowhere, the anxiety, and my love relationship ship for relationships are all thought about while eating ice cream. 

Did you enjoy this post format?
What are your thoughts on these topics?
What's your guilty pleasure food?

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